Free falling in a black hole...need help fast

[Hurtingsoul]

Hello all,
My wife and I have 2 beautiful kids. 2 yr old boy and 8 1/2 girl. Life was pretty good until real estate business failed and stressed of raising a baby boy, homeschooling and financial crunch kicked in. Last year, oour arguments began which led to yelling and screaming and eventually (I began pushing and shoving-clearly my fault). Career wise, I froze without a skill and my wife ended up working and I became Mr. Mom. I was always ashamed of it but did the best I could at home. Cook, clean, laundry, yard ....watch kids full time. We grew more and more distant each month. We both knew we needed a new skill. so I stepped aside and she went to school online for Accounting FULLTIME. I was so stressed out and her parents rarely ever helped with the kids even though they were retired and sat home all day long just five minutes away. Anyhow, our frustrations got worse and one day we got in a big fight over going her cake decorating class. I desperately needed a break . She studies all day and I hardly see her. She pushed my buttons and I snapped. I lightly slapped her on her cheek and threw a small plastic bowl at a lamp which bounced off her back shoulder. All in front of our kids. I slammed the door to the spare bedroom and shut my self away for two days feeling horrible. I realize the effects of how terrible "angry" behavior. I realized that I projected my own past into my marriage. I was abused all my life. Verbal and Physical beatings almost every day. Parents fought, everyone around me fought, threw things and hurt eachother. I swore I would never do that to our childredn and yet it still happened. 3 days later, she had me arrested over breakfast. She snuck my daughter, son and her mother out the garage before the cops came in. I did not even get to apologize to her and say goodbye to my kids. I called her from jail to beg for forgiveness. She hung up. I was out 24hrs later now facing a criminal charge/misdemeanor. A week later, she filed a restraining order and in court she slammed me in front of the Judge. I kept comming back with how sorry I was and did not want to lose "us" our family and etc. I wept and eventually she did too. She admitted to the judge that she called the cops 3 days later cause her family told her to do so. In conclusion, I feel horrible. Her controlling parents have moved in and I have been kicked out like a piece of trash. her big sister who recently divorce also encouraged her. I was there for her divorce all the way. I feel betrayed. I'm ashamed of my behavior. I have always loved my wife unconditionally since 1989 (married in 1995)and was always the one to make things up. She is super strong and never forgives. While I was in jail she told my brother she wanted divorce and alimony. Now she is facing forclosure, controlling parents and 2 kids. I screwed up big time and want to correct my behavior. But I cannot contact her at all due to the restraining order. I love my wife and kids so much and can't stand being without them. I don't want to lose my family. She hates me and her family is feuling the fire living in the house with her. I've signed up for Battery Intervention Program which starts today. Am I finished or can anyone throw me a life saver?

[SallyM]

the only thing I can suggest is to see both a lawyer and, if you aren't already, a therapist.

I'll be honest, I've put up with a lot of crap from my h, but if he ever physically laid a hand on me, I can tell you right now I would NOT look back. however, you never know, so if you want to try to make things right, keep working toward that goal. therapy will likely help. going to the battery intervention program sounds like a good step. If you don't have DB/DR yet, read one or both.

good luck! I hope you find a way to fix things. wish I could offer more advise.

[JustDucky]

Your life saver is time.

Right now, everyone's emotions are pretty raw, tension levels are high and it is NOT a good time to be begging. But it is a time to be kind, especially if/when there is path to any communication.

And it is a time to develop a plan for your life. Get the DB books if you don't already have them. Find a solution based therapist. Take the Battery Intervention class. Take care of you. Do what you can, when you can, for your children, without a lot of fanfare, with all the sincerity that you have in your heart. Don't bash anybody- her sister, her parents, ANYBODY- they are doing what comes instinctively to them, which it to protect her from further harm.

You mention a brother. Are you close to him? He may be your only avenue for a while. But don't allow him to become your messenger. But let him know, in your general conversations, what you are doing with your life to turn yourself (not your situation) around. When he sees that you are for real, the message will get through, even in bits and pieces.

This is not going to go away quickly, so learn to be patient, even when it hurts and it's the last thing you want to do. It is hard lesson for all of us who are standing for our marriages to learn. But a necessary one, and one that will reap many benefits down the road. ( We live in such an instant gratification society, "let's fix things right now", but wounds of the heart take time. I hate to admit that, given my own sitch, but it's true.)

[mkultra]

Therapy sounds crucial to me. I was also raised in a home where things were thrown including slaps, never from a man. My mother was abusive to everyone, perhaps it is cultural? My H's anger is very threatening even without a raised fist or a slam against a wall. I am 20 lbs heavier than my H and I have been trained my whole life in martial arts, but it is his anger that frightens me and my kids when he yells. Please, give her space as pursuing could look very bad for you. Stay calm no matter what buttons get pushed. Give eveything a day to cool if neccessary. Take care of your health. Try not to drink or do drugs. I am also guilty of fighting in front of the kids. Sometimes things get so heated we do things that we know are wrong, but we have to stay calm. Good luck, there is still hope.

[Hurtingsoul]

Thanks for responding with kindness. You're right. And I will give her space. Besides, i dont have a choice due to the restraining order. I am hurting so bad and evermoment seems like eternity waiting. It seems impossible to let go. Especially, our beautiful innocent children. Yes I have a very supportive brother who spoke to her when I was in jail. She told him he that she was tired of me and wanted D and alimony. She refused to drop charges and left me to rot in jail. she also told him that I don't love her anymore which blew me away? It is not true. I was deeply hurt to hear that. A month later, I understand now that she was feeling financially insecure and obviously threatened. I'm sure she tried to tell me about her insecurities but was afraid of my anger and my own insecurites (being lost in my career/our successful real estate business failed) Do abusive couples ever make up? How will I ever get my family back? Yes I screwed up big time. She is going all the way to seek her vengence and now I am due back in court next month. I can't believe the woman I've loved since 1989 is trying her best to send me to jail. I have always forgiven even my enemies. Why is she doing this to the father of her children? I don't want oour children to grow up a feeling of pain and emptiness because she doesn't want to forgive me. I am constantly changing from this crises. I wasn't angry 24/7. I have been a kind, loving and very devoted father and husband. I gave it all I could. I still hurt the ones I love the most. I miss them so much. I can't stop crying. I don't know how to let go of a family I love so much. They are the air I breathe.

[Hurtingsoul]

I started my court ordered 26-week Battery intervention program last night. To my surprise, it was very helpful. I am learning to fix myself and dealing with my inner most demons. I am tired on living in guilt. I screwed up my own marriage and lost my kids I love so dearly. She is moving on with life without me and I am so stuck. How could I live with the fact that she left me because I was "abusive" and financially insecure? I was such a LOSER to her. I know my unconditional love was not enough and a woman needs a strong husband. I let and myself down. What will my children think of me someday? Our monthly expenses so high and our successful business failed and I froze and wanted to go back to school to learn a new skill. Now I know I want to be a Nurse. I want to learn to heal others. Hope! How can I have hope when she hates me and so determined to bring me down? I have nothing but my clothes and shoes. No car, no friends and not a singe penny. All I can do is wait and wait and wait. I missed school enrollment for this term and the next one begins in april. URRRG. I just want to be somebody like I used to be. I just wanna make her so proud of me. How do I hold on to hope when it seems so hopeless?

[JustDucky]

It is not hopeless. But it may seem very foreign and confusing to you. Your life has taken a 180, and it is one that you did not consciously choose. I am quite certain that six months ago, you could NOT have imagined that you would be taking a Battery Intervention Class in August. Had anyone even suggested that you would touch your wife in anger... well, you would have said, "Not me!" But that is today's reality. All of us on this board have our own new reality.

Take comfort that it is today's reality. Even though it sucks, and it hurts today, today is not forever.

And even though today hurts, and today sucks, there are still things that we can be grateful for on a daily basis. The Lord gave us another day to live, and learn and forgive. Every day offers us a new chance, at something. Maybe not what we think we want... but always a chance. A chance to smile at the passerby. A chance to appreciate what we do have. A full tummy, clothes on our back, kids that we love, even though the relationship might be strained. Can you imagine if you had NEVER had the opportunity to love a child like you do?

I know it is so hard. But try, really try, to look at something positive, even if it is the tiniest of things.

Today, I finally decided to clean H's shower. (I haven't touched it in the 2+ months he has been gone.) Now I remember why. His shower is a bear to clean! So, for today, I am grateful that I don't have to clean it again for awhile. Granted, I'd give anything for him to come home, but.. for today, that is not a choice I can make. So, I am grateful that it is done, it looks great,and I am free from that burden... for today.

[Hurtingsoul]

I am sorry to hear about your H. I will pray to God to open his eyes as he did mine. I will pray to god to show him the way back to you. In your arms.

Your words are truely wise and comforting. Thankyou. Good news is that after over a month. My wife sent a birthday package for me on behalf of my daughter. I am so touched. But no birthday wishes from her. I know she is trying to keep the father/daughter relationship going but probably still mad, scared and hurt from me. I also heard good news from my lawyer. He went before the Judge and I have permission to call her to arrange monitored child visitation. Your'e right, this situation sucks. I will call her this afternoon. I know.. give her space and don't bombard her with "I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU" etc. I hope she will see in time that I am changing. The old me is no more. Finally, she hasn't filed for "D" as she told my brother the night she sent me to jail...yet. Let's hope she gives this another chance. Wish me luck today... on my birthday to call her. I am so nervous. I love her.

[JustDucky]

Well, I haven't been online much, and thought I'd re-visit this thread. It looks like it hasn't had much activity... but it seems that the good Lord was watching out for you and giving you some positive strokes! But tell me, did you call your wife? And if so, how did it go?

There seems to be a lot to catch up on... class, child visitation... communication.

Please give us an update!