First of all, I'd like to say that Michele Weiner-Davis should be commended for her work! As for my story, it may not be as short as I'd like, but here goes...
I'm 24 and my 'wife' is 21, we're not actually married but are/were totally committed. We've been together for nearly 7 years. I got a new job in Sept 06 and that very week our son was born. Things were great as usual for the first 3-4 months until I became addicted to a game called World of Warcraft(aka WoW). I would work noon-11pm and when not working, I'd be playing the game, most of the time.
I checked out of the relationship and I wasn't the best father I could be either. She had to do most of the stuff around the house while taking care of our son. She would do things every now and then to get my attention and to get me away from the game, but I took her for granted and all but ignored her. Around the end of May, we began arguing more and more; by July it had become a daily thing. So, we began going to couples therapy.
Sunday July 15th, we decided it would be best for us to take some time apart from each other, to think, so she went to stay with her mother here in town. The very next day was tough, I couldn't sleep, I literally could not taste(lost 13lbs in past 3 weeks), I was depressed, miserable and lost. I went to the library and picked up Divorce Remedy and began reading. I began to see things more clearly and in a totally new light. Needless to say, I don't play WoW anymore, at all.
Thursday, I asked her if she'd like to come back home and see how we could do. I let her sleep in the bed with our son, while I slept on the couch. The next morning she grabbed my phone on accident, instead of hers, to head out shopping. I went to tell her and noticed a number on her phone, with a special ringtone and a provocative picture of her when it called. I called it, it was another guy. Rather than confronting her about it, I did some investigating and found where the number came from. I put monitoring software on our computer and saw some emails that she had been sending to this other man dating back to April 07 and that he lived a few states away. The irony was that she met him on the game I was playing and he was a 'friend' of mine in the game.
At our next therapy session I revealed what I had found out. She admitted she had been talking to him on the phone for hours almost every day, while I was at work. She also told me that she was going to fly out and see him in August. I hated the idea, but I went along with it in hopes that what she found would not be everything she had hoped for. She was gone from Aug 6th-9th and now she considers herself in a relationship with him and tells him/me she loves him.
We're still living together; and ever since I stopped pleading, begging, pointing out good times, etc, things between us are much more civil and we've been having fun together. However, she still feels that she loves me but is not IN love with me. She doesn't plan to stop seeing this other man and they're making arrangements for another flight in the months to come. I don't know what to do, she says she doesn't want to work on our relationship anymore, she said my efforts happened too late, that maybe if it was months ago things could change.
To end on a positive note, I have been applying some of the methods in DR and have noticed dramatic changes between us. Only 3 weeks ago we were not talking, rarely hugging and were both uncomfortable in each other's presence. I have noticed many baby steps since then, we're sleeping (clothed) in the same bed again, we've gone out dancing together at the club the past 2 Fridays, we compliment each other, etc. Though small, those are HUGE improvements from a month ago.
I just worry though because she's still talking to this guy and they both seem to care about each other. Have any of you been in this situation? What do you all suggest?
PS: I'll keep my thread updated as time passes and I welcome and appreciate all input from everyone.
hey Kevin, sometimes the madness has to run its curse, they are in the "honeymoon" stage when all is rosy and great and she might be deaf to reason. Are you guys still going to therapy? do you talk there about her plans to fly out to meet him? You have made a total 180 and seem repentant for what you've done, keep up the good changes. As far as her contacting him some boundaries need to be drawn. Who pays for the air fare/cell phone bill? who stays with the child when she is gone? Do not enable her negative actions in any way.
The ILYBNILWY sindrome isn't permanent, love is a desicion not a feeling, so dont' loose hope.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
At the moment, I pay for everything (except the airplane ticket). I told her I'd have nothing to do with the ticket, even if we got back together, I'm not paying a dime towards the travel costs. So far she has been putting it on credit, and he's been wiring her the money to pay it off. Our last therapy session was just before the trip, I'm not sure if she'll be willing to continue going since she doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore. I prefer not to talk to her about the other guy as little as possible, so if she brings up plans to fly out, I usually change the subject, not sure if that's the right thing to do though.
I've thought about 'taking' the cell phone back & turning it off until she paid me the costs of de-activation but I don't want to feel like I'm controlling her. I had some issues in the past with being controlling but have since worked through those via private counseling. I'm also trying to be careful to not drive a wedge between us.
And thank you, I do realize the mistakes I've made and have changed my old bad habits, and will never go back to those again. She does notice the changes but again, feels they came too late and there's nothing left in her heart for me. She's used the analogy of her love being a fire that burned out and you can't re-light ashes. :'(
I'm thinking of trying the Last Resort Technique to the fullest, but again, I have my fears.
She just told me that her and the other guy are talking about getting her a ticket to fly back out to New Hampshire around the end of this month/beginning of Sept. I don't know what to think about this, she'll be tossing our son onto me again while she's out having a 'vacation'. This is NOT fair! Not only is she not being a good partner, but I feel that she's not being the best mother she could be either.
What do you all think? I feel like blocking the guys phone number at the home phone, de-activating the cell and locking the computer. I feel like I'm making it easy for her to run away with someone else, I'm breaking apart inside, but I'm not letting it show on the outside, yet.
I really need some support guys/gals, what do you all recommend?
There is definitely hopein your sitch. You are DBing very well. She is really in LaLa Land. I don't know what this guy represents to her, but it is not reality, just fantasy. I agree with Cat. It will fizzle out but jeez, at what cost? Sometimes people get all hormonal after having a baby and while nursing. I dunno. Sometimes not. She sounds like she has issues she needs to work through with a trusted friend or therapist. Keep DBing. You will not regret all the hard work you have invested in your future lives!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. As the guilty party in my huband's/my near divorce, I know where she is.
She's very young, first of all. That's not an excuse, just an observation. You two were very committed and very in love, and you have a little boy. And these may be all the things she ever dreamed of wanting (they were for me). But it begins to occur to a woman (or a man) that maybe there is something or someone out there she(he) is MISSING because she got to the "happily ever after" too fast. Sometimes it's scary to get everything you think you want at 21...where do you go from there? So maybe she believes she's getting a chance at what she "missed out" on.
WoW can be BAD. My husband and I both play, but he too had a time where Azeroth and an epic quest meant more than dirty diapers and baby giggles. I'm sure your diverted attention hurt her, but be careful of allowing her to dump all the blame on you. I'm not saying you should tell her that you weren't at fault, but don't let her (or yourself!) bury you in guilt forever. You made a bad decision, it took some time but you saw the wrong you were in, and you changed your actions.
Honestly, "blocking" this guy entirely only leaves you in the dark. I'm sure it hurts to hear his voice on the answering machine or see his number on caller ID, but it's better to know than to get blind-sided. he won't go away simply because you want him to disappear (unfortunately).
You're right, it's absolutely not fair that she goes off to live in her fantasy while leaving you with the responsibilities of work and childcare (kinda like living in WoW?). But she may, as someone else said, have to play this scene to the end. Look at it as positively as you can. You can be there for your son, show him tons of love; even though he's little you're getting a chance to build your relationship with him right now.
My good news is this: The other man, the supposedly amazing love they have, the "eternal bond" they can't live without - it's a fairytale. I should know; I was the queen of self-delusion during my affair. Give your wife time to see through the veneer. It sucks, but trying to cut her off from him will only drive her further into his arms. Let her know that you don't want her gone, even though she's hurting you. I don't promise that constancy will work miracles; the fantasy can be pretty hard to let go of. But if she's any sort of intelligent woman, she'll realize that what she's got with him is a mirage, a fantasy.
Hold on, Kevin, you can still make it!
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Last time she went on a trip for 4 days, this time they plan on it lasting a full week. I work Sun-Wed, noon to 11pm + OT on my days off, I'm busting my ass and she's just living it up at my expense. She defended herself by saying she'd watch him while I took a vacation. She knows I can't do that, we wouldn't get by if I did something like that. She's talked about getting a part-time job so we can split the bills but has yet to do so. And I don't see how she can do that with her taking 1week trips every month while holding a job.
Sept 1st my family planned a reunion, has been planned for months now, and she is considered a part of the family. Ironically, this guy's family also has a reunion up in a cabin where he lives around this same time and that's why she wants to go at that time. I feel as if she's not only pushing me away, but the entire family. I don't know how we'll work together afterwards if she alienates everyone on my side.
Sad but true, I think blocking him out will not prove to be a good decision nor will threats of filing for custody to get her to stay. I have to think what's best for the situation, what is solution-oriented. It's just SO hard to feel like she's slipping away from me, despite my efforts. I feel used and cast aside. :'(
You are right though, I will have to just make the best of a bad situation and enjoy the man to baby time with my lil son. I hope everything turns out good, I hope he never has to know the pain I'm feeling now.
I'm sorry she's hurting her relationship with your family too. She WILL regret it. My husband's family openly hates me now and I'm unwelcome among them. If this happens, try very hard (though you'd rather not) to tell your family it can't be this way. When she does finally return to you, she NEEDS to be reinstated as a member of the family (over time mind you), not treated badly. Believe me, it doesn't help your marriage if she thinks your family gossips about or despises her.
DO NOT give up hope! I actually asked my husband to sign divorce papers at one point in our disaster. Surely he must've thought me truly gone. But even then I KNEW deep down that my affair was the unreality and I would regret the divorce...I never filed. That was still about six months before I ended it with the OM, all the while telling my husband how happy I was and planning my "new life".
She's living a lie...and someday she'll admit it.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
I just can't take this anymore, we're both on the lease at our current apartment and she refuses to leave. I think I'm going to look for a place and if she leaves, I'm packing my things and getting out of here. I can't stand being run over like this. I told her how I felt, that I'd appreciate it if she'd come to our family reunion and she said that she didn't feel like she'd be welcomed. I took "her" cell and told her I'd give it back when she paid the de-activation cost of $230 because here she is planning another $400-$500 trip before even covering the cost of the cell I got her.
I hate to say it, but it has gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I don't know what I'm fighting for. The nicer I am and the more I support her actions, the more she talks to him and takes advantage of me. I can't keep supporting her financially like this and making it easy for her. If she wants him, she can have him for all I care, but I'm not going to be her 'sugar daddy' or 'door mat' in the meantime.
I just got off the phone with my therapist and he suggested that I tell her that I'm moving out, and be up front about it if I plan on following through with it. Rather than not telling her when I decide to do it. I've thought of giving her an ultimatum of choosing either me or him. But I'm not sure if that's a good idea because I've often heard in the past that ultimatums never work and are taken as threats. I just really don't know what to do/think anymore. I feel like I'm being torn in 2 directions, one of me wanting to fix things, but not knowing if there's anything left to salvage. Two, wanting to get out and move on with my life so I can end the pain.
But if I do plan to save what's left of "us", I don't want to jeopardize any of the progress I've already made by making a bad choice now. We had a good night last night and she thanked me for understanding why she felt like she needed to go. Like I've said, I'm just so confused as to how to proceed. These are the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.
I'm really glad this forum is here, it feels really good to be able to tell others how I feel.
