oh sheila! you put into words what's wrong with him! he does feel like a total failure and the stress at his new job just screws with his head even more (new law enforcement job)
A while ago i had suggested to him to go to a therapist i had found, a couples/family councelor who happened to have experience with ADHD. They do the occacional saturday appt, for whatever it is worth I'll call tomorrow to see if he can be seen.
For a while my H would take Adderall, make him hyperfocus so he stopped. Meds are so tricky to get right.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
cat03, I'm sorry you are going through this again. To some degree I can understand the elation of things going so well and then...
As Aud31 said, and you mentioned, there are more successes here than failures. For me, the success was/is in finding me again, rebuilding relationships with my children, family and friends, and getting back on track in pursuing my mission.
If that were to create a new and vibrant marriage with my STBXW, that would be great, especially for my kids.
One thing is for sure, in looking back over your posts, you are so much stronger now, even in the midst of this then you were. Why am I hearing SuperGirl by Krystal Harris right now. =)
I deal with ADHD as well. I was on ritalin as a kid, my mother took me off because it made me a "zombie", in her words. Reading what you have had to deal with due to his issue motivates me to stay on track in addressing this issue for myself.
Cat thanks for the post... You are in my prayers too. He just said today again its over.... I am not going to fight anymore.... I am heartbroken... and yes he is Hispanic so it does make it harder actually.
In his mind: HE DOES NOOOOOOOOOO WRONG! I am so sorry for you too... when does it just get better and good? ~God bless...
Cat, I've never posted to you before but your latest 'story' rang so many bells with me. My H left once before but only for a month. I didn't know about DBing then. He was home for 18 months and has now been gone again for 21 months. I'm still trying to work out what his issues are but I think he is frightened of dying young like his father and so feels the need to do all the things he never got chance to do when he was young. We M and had kids young and so naturally it is my fault that he never did these things. I know exactly how you feel and hope you don't have to wait as long as me to get back on track.
((((((((Hugs))))))))
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
hey cat sorry about what you're going through right now. ow has no decency to do that, and I don't blame you for calling her. I hope she will back off and go back under her rock.
Oh, Cat, I am so sorry you are in this sitch again. Like a few others have said, don't make any rash decisions until you've taken the time for all of this to soak in and you can think more clearly. I so hate this for you. I hope that you can help him get the mental help he needs. It doesn't sound like it's about the OW or about you or your M, it sounds like it's about him and he needs some help to deal w/ his issues. I know how hard it is to stay strong during these times for you and the kids, but try to stay focused and, when you can, write it all down & sort it all through in your mind and then you can take it one step at a time.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Oh, Cat, I am so sorry you are in this sitch again. Like a few others have said, don't make any rash decisions until you've taken the time for all of this to soak in and you can think more clearly. I so hate this for you. I hope that you can help him get the mental help he needs. It doesn't sound like it's about the OW or about you or your M, it sounds like it's about him and he needs some help to deal w/ his issues. I know how hard it is to stay strong during these times for you and the kids, but try to stay focused and, when you can, write it all down & sort it all through in your mind and then you can take it one step at a time.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
my dear friends, your words mean so much, it's dejavu again, the sick feeling in the stomack, the wild beating of my heart, the uneasyness that comes and goes. Have not heard from him since I last send him a msg, it said how I still loved him and that even though I was hurt nothing would hurt me more than loosing him. OK, so that was a bit desperate, I had to force myself not to call him and (gasp!) almost plead. I now realize he has to do this on his OWN without my proding, he has to make the concious decision to give it his all and cut the ow totally (if she talks to him again which I wouldnt' put it past her). I deserve to be loved without conditions and without working for it, for now he still has nothing to give me. He has to fix himself, which in some ways leaves me in a bit of a limbo again, but as tyler said, i'm stronger now, I only cried once since so far, and only when I went to church this morning and wanted a hug from a friend who's also going through the same thing, except she has 4 kids, no stable home, no car, a small job, and she is so much stronger than me! she said she is done and she is free and much much happier.
AT some point I will be there, for now i have to suffer the first blows and pangs of pain, but not alone :)and I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
I am not panicky anymore, and you all are right, i have to calm down to make a good decision. I'll stop checking my phone every 5min, I need to clean my mind.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm sooo sorry to read this. I don't have too much time this moment but I plan to come back to your thread and be here for you (and hopefully come up with helpful wisdom...).
The one thing I will say. I don't believe it's wrong to stay in a marriage for children... When my children are grown I plan to reevaluate my life, marriage, etc... hopefully I'll want to stay. In fact, I saw a book just on this topic. I'll have to go find that and pick it up if it's still there....
One thing I will say, my husband has had more than one affair, tried to divorce me twice and MLC was a lot longer than I realized (but looking back I can see the signs). Your husband may still not be out of the MLC woods...
What about ADs for him? Has he tried those???
My guess is the feelings he gets from this affair are like alcohol or drugs to someone with an alcohol or drug problem.
Hang in there buddy. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Cat thanks for the post...