Going to try one more time....

[Delil@h]

Hi everyone,,, I am going to give this another go.
Can I really keep going when he seems to pull the emergency brake when things get good?
Can I keep going when he has severe mood swings?
You bet your *** I can!
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I have power over me not him....

MY GOALS for ~Ali are these....
Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk... LOSE the weight.... I have gained over the last CRAZY year.
Entails me putting my health first wether H likes it or not.... he complains about my weight evry now and again but ..... anyway I am just going to do it.

I signed up for WW ( weight watchers online) and will be very disciplined about this so that I see my success and not just dream of it.

Let go of expecting my H to love in the way I love him.... words to me are like Gold and yet he talks to me not enough and then when he has an out burst he says very cruel words. But I need to stop listening when he talks like a Mad Man. Then when the words drip out of his mouth like Syrup, even though they may be real... my Heart shuts them out.

Just really focus on me and my self esteem again.
Actions speak louder than words.... all his a** kissing doesnt help when all I want is Respect and LOVE everyday. And I am grateful for having come this far and being his Wife.... I just think he needs to feel more grateful that he has me.... little does he know but he thinks he makes it all about us when really it is usually all about him.

Onward and upward...
I will make it and I will get stronger and better.... I can do this just for me. I have to. When I wake up I know my life is blessed and now I need to more than ever show it and be who I am . no apolgies.....
I will smile everyday even when there seems to be no reason to.

God Bless....

[oldtimer]

Ali,

What are you going to do to change the abuser-victim roles in your R?

[Delil@h]

That is a hard question OT...
I dunno.
I guess I naively thought if I ignore the behavior and not let it hurt me he would eventually get tired of it...

Any suggestions?
I really could use them.

[oldtimer]

Abusers do not get tired of their behavior. It works for them. H abuses you, then grovels. Rinse, repeat. There is no need for him to change.

Get to an MC and confront H's abuse directly.

[Delil@h]

I knew you were going to say that...
I will work on it even though somehow he thinks he is really nice and he does everything right.

God help me...
~Ali

[oldtimer]

Who cares what he thinks about his behavior? All that matters is under what conditions you will accept it. At a minimum, MC should be one of those conditions. But, perhaps it would make sense for you to contact a women's shelter to figure out how best to proceed at this point. It is NOT OK for you to continue to accept it and do nothing. But, I am no expert. It is important for you to be safe in whatever steps you take. So, professional advice is probably a good idea. BUT you must be very forthcoming and honest about the level and consistency of the abuse with anyone you contact.

[COG]

Ali,

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. I absolutely agree that your M deserves another chance. But nothing is going to change unless you change. It's great that you are determined to get your body healthier, that's awesome. You also need for your soul to get healthy. Your H WILL freak out again. Unless he get's help, you'll be in this cycle forever. He's an alchoholic, maybe drug addict, it's a disease and he needs help to lick it. Find a Rehab near you and give him the information.

Hope for the best, hope and pray that he'll get himself healthy. In the meantime, see a lawyer, learn what your rights are, watch the finances closely, have a backup plan for when he gets crazy again. Keep a bag packed, keep kid's clothes aside, pick a hotel ahead of time. Be prepared to call 911 if he even gets the slightest violent with you, have him arrested and file charges. Be prepared to get your family out of there when he snaps again. It will happen again Ali, definately will happen again. Don't be naive about that, be prepared.

Also, I highly recommend you not have sexual relations with him until he's tested for STD's.

Hang in there girl!

Love,

COG

[Aud31]

Ali,

I just now got caught up on your sitch over the last week or so, and want to send my love and support. I know you are feeling immense pressure and deep anguish, and my prayers are with you.

You made this comment on your previous thread:

I should go far , far away and I want to but I cannot expalin why I forgive him again and again. Maybe when I love myself enough I will say stop or maybe I just trust God too much?

Honey, God does not require us to lie down and stay put in a bad situation. Forgiveness is not a sacrifice of our rights to safety/life/liberty/happiness. You are not in any way obligated to continue to expose yourself and your children to dangerous episodes in the name of forgiveness.

You are receiving important advice here--COG's words (and those of everyone else) are very wise. Don't lose sight of your safety, worth, or dignity in the name of keeping your M together. You are the only person who can stand for ending the cycle of abuse in your M.

[Delil@h]

Thanks guys for all your input....
I am not going to take this lying down anymore and nor will I fight so hard to keep it together.
I will however arm myself with strength and knowledge.
Yestarday for instance it seemed he got peeved and was ready to leave ( I put him on complete ignore) and he went downstairs and came up and hour or so later and he never left.
Since his episode I do not ask where he is going or call him when he is gone and it seems he diffuses himself.
But anyway I am no longer trying to figure him out or "change" him by example,,, or explain when you are friends with this wh*re it makes me feel x, y or z.

I have had enough actually.... I do still love him but I will love him from a distance..... I refuse to feel like I am on a rollercoaster anymore. I want stability and he can later join me or he can stay on his crash collision course.... when he hits rock bottom .... Oh I dunno what the future holds but I do know that I want to be happy and I wanted to be Happy with him and our kids.

I want to be his Wife not his Mother... so that is one thing I have gotten from this ,, that I worry to much about him and I "mother" him too much ... he himself said he is a Grown Man... ( even though lately he has not acted like one)....

So I will let go for now and hope that he will get better,, but for now I have to get even stronger and when I talk to him just make statements and GAL.

I love him but not this sick version of him and even though it breaks my heart.... maybe he will never "come" back. And Maybe he will.... but again for now time to stop holding my breath and time to start LIVING.

This Fall I plan to go back to work or start my Business idea that I have for an Errand service. And yes work on my SOUL COG!
I know I deserve way much more than I get and I need to work on me and get stronger so that I am no longer vulnerable.
I feel so much pressure to help him get better and yet somehow I think he needs to do this on his own..... I .....

I am confused on what to do exactly but I know that I am valuable and worthy of love and so is he but he just does not love himself enough to put our love first. I do but for now I will have to show myself more love ... I really do not feel like myself nor do I sound like me. I want me back.
Can I find me again ? I think so .... I will keep you all posted you have given me so much to think about..... I feel sad and yet I know it will be ok.
God bless....

[cat03]

I see you are still fighting the good fight, wish you wouln't get hurt though, he does have an anger problem and could use some anger management, if i remember correctly he is hispanic right? then that's even harder, macho latinos are terrible at seeking a check up from the neck up, our men are that stubborn.


It is so hard having kids though, i'm going through heck again, and if it werent for the kids I dont' know how long Id be holding on. I will pray for you hon, take care.