My wife wants out !!

[dadtotwo]

I need an opinion...

My W wants me to be responsible for all our bills(including her cell phone)!!! I want to hand her the bill and tell her to pay it since I know her calls to OM are on this bill.

I know she will get angry but I don't see why I shoud pay for my
W being unfaithful.

What I intend to say is:

"Yes, I made a mess of our finances but I was working to fix it ALONE"!!

"You felt lonely for a long time but SO WAS I"

"However lonely I felt, I still didn't CHEAT"

I know this goes against the DB way of not briging up OM. So I am asking all those that are reading this.."What should I do"?

P.S. I will have my children tonight so she will definitely be going out socially. So if I were to say these things, should I wait until tomorrow?

[Heimlich]

The OM is definitely still in the picture and that may still need to run it's course but I will not push her that way by my attitude.

That's you from a few days ago. What do the actions just outlined in your post do?

I hear what you're saying. Perhaps you could suggest each of you getting your own cell plan that you would each be responsible for? That seems a fair compromise in my mind and shouldn't push her away.
BD

[frank_D]

Bringing up OM is not useful.

However, since she 'want a divorce' then you need to show her that a divorce means she has to be responsible for her own bills. Wake up call time.

You just be civil and tell her that she needs to pay for certain things, and that includes her cell phone.

What would you do if you were divorced? With my W I figured out what she would get legally for child support and other stuff, then said 'this is what I'll pay for, the rest is up to you.'

It isn't your job to 'take care of her beyond what the law requires. And she needs to start to 'feel what it's like' not to have access to your checkbook.

[dadtotwo]

I met with my W yesterday and we sort of began the process of closure on our M. The bottom-line is that she moved out a week ago and is starting to rebuild her life. She said that there were many times she accepted that we were going to lose our house. She was waiting for me to take on additional jobs to bring money in but I never did. If I had done this she would have not lost respect for me.

It seems unfair that it all has to fall on me. I created the mess and she felt that, as the man, I should have been providing any way I could. Basically, she feels I am a good H & F but a lousy provider. The loss of trust and respect goes so deep and there is nothing I can do that would change her way of thinking.

As I have posted previously, she feels that I ruined our future together and gave her no reasons to stay as a family. Her position is that I never had a Plan B and just didn't get anything under control. She is pushing to go to a mediator to expedite our D.

I want so much to keep my family together but she doesn't. Her view is that I cannot be there to give us the financial support and because there is too much damage already done. In essence, her life is better without me in it every day and that she will rebuild on her own.

I have come to accept that such a loss of trust and respect is something that can't be overcome if she doesn't want to try. Giving up is her only solution and I must learn to live with her decision.

I really miss my family.

[frank_D]

As I have posted previously, she feels that I ruined our future together and gave her no reasons to stay as a family. Her position is that I never had a Plan B and just didn't get anything under control. She is pushing to go to a mediator to expedite our D.

That's her view today. She takes no responsibility for being your 'partner', just blame for you not doing what she expected from you.

I want so much to keep my family together but she doesn't. Her view is that I cannot be there to give us the financial support and because there is too much damage already done. In essence, her life is better without me in it every day and that she will rebuild on her own.

Then you need to start rebuilding YOUR life, and your self esteem. What are you doing for yourself besides sitting around feeling defeated? This is a turning point in your life, the point where you take the lead and make it work.

I have come to accept that such a loss of trust and respect is something that can't be overcome if she doesn't want to try. Giving up is her only solution and I must learn to live with her decision.

Bull. She doesn't HAVE to 'try' right now because YOU can simply start BEING the person she trusts and respects. BE the person you want to be and she will see it, sense it and be attracted to it.

And remember, SHE is the one quitting. Not you. She has shown you a flaw in her character. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

What books are you reading right now? What are you doing to educated yourself on the dynamics of relationships and men / women ways of thinking and feeling?

[dadtotwo]

What I am doing for myself is..

Tomorrow I start a new full time position with a lot of opportunity. I still have my 2nd job that I intend to keep for a long time.

I am pro-actively going to negotiate with my mortgage company to get the house sold. I need to leave here since I have found out that OM lives around the corner(which explains my W's need for a morning walk)

I am done trying to figure out what she MAY think later. I have taken full responsibility for this mess and I am sorry that she left. I cannot do anymore to chsnge thepast only look forward.

I would have wanted her back if we were separating to get some space and re-evaluate. If after some good amount of time we felt that D was best, then I could live with that.

By the way, I am reading DB'ing, DR, and "The Way of The Superior Man".

[frank_D]

What I am doing for myself is..

Tomorrow I start a new full time position with a lot of opportunity. I still have my 2nd job that I intend to keep for a long time.

I am pro-actively going to negotiate with my mortgage company to get the house sold. I need to leave here since I have found out that OM lives around the corner(which explains my W's need for a morning walk)

I am done trying to figure out what she MAY think later. I have taken full responsibility for this mess and I am sorry that she left. I cannot do anymore to chsnge thepast only look forward.

I would have wanted her back if we were separating to get some space and re-evaluate. If after some good amount of time we felt that D was best, then I could live with that.

By the way, I am reading DB'ing, DR, and "The Way of The Superior Man".

Excellent!

[GK99]

She was waiting for me to take on additional jobs to bring money in but I never did. If I had done this she would have not lost respect for me.

Markyb...this is not your fault. Your W sounds very immature. She is justifying her decisions with this BS. She is every bit as accountable to your M as you, and yet she is the one who is giving up and blaming you on the way out.

As I have posted previously, she feels that I ruined our future together and gave her no reasons to stay as a family. Her position is that I never had a Plan B and just didn't get anything under control.

Again, a sign of her immaturity. Where was she in helping with this "Plan B"?

In essence, her life is better without me in it every day and that she will rebuild on her own.

Unfortunately, that is how she feels right now and nothing you can do will change that. She may or may not come to realize she is wrong - but you can't worry about that. I'm in the exact same boat right now. I have accepted that I cannot control what she will do. I can, however, control what I do. And, to be honest, I don't want someone in my life who will walk away so easily. Someone once said that our WAW's are giving up someone who loved them, and we are giving up someone who never truly loved us. I can live with that.

[dadtotwo]

GK99,

Thanks for the support. I do not want to deflect my own accountability. We have 2 small children and I was not providing for the family. I have had issues for years with my self-confidence and low self-esteem. This causes me to live in fear but that should not stop me from making sure we have food on the table. I blew it and I have to live with the consequences.

[GK99]

I do not want to deflect my own accountability. We have 2 small children and I was not providing for the family. I have had issues for years with my self-confidence and low self-esteem. This causes me to live in fear but that should not stop me from making sure we have food on the table. I blew it and I have to live with the consequences.

That's great that you take some of the responsibility. But she is equally responsible. Your W sounds a lot like my W. I have also struggled with self-confidence issues. And my W "needs" someone who is more secure with themselves. It is complete BS. It would be like me saying I need someone who can play a good third base. They are making excuses to justify leaving. And they only find the "courage" once they've found another guy to latch on to.

So what if we have confidence issues? A spouse is supposed to be there for you, no matter what. In fact, that's when you should support your spouse the most - when they need it. And if their commitment to us is this shallow now, can you imagine if we had some sort of illness or disease? Would they bolt then too? They probably wouldn't, because that would be perceived as cold and heartless. But it's okay to leave because your spouse is insecure? This is why I say it isn't your fault. Not because you didn't play a role, but because she had an opportunity to share the journey with you and help you through it and decided to bail. That is very selfish and immature.