What is UP with me? I cannot describe how badly I am climbing the walls with pent up desire at the moment and it is not even cycle related.
I read my horoscrope on the way to work today, this is what it said
LEO: Thoughts of summer love distract you from just about everything else. Whether you're planning for a real romance or living in a fantasy world, nothing else whatsoever matters. Except to your boss.
How uncomfortably true.
We are getting it on quite a bit at the moment, at my initiation. Night before last I just had to wake H up at 2 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. He was cool about it and we had a good time, well I did anyhow, not so sure for him. Once I'd had my fill of Os the last one being the real explosion and the one where I at first thought he O'd too, but he hadn't. So we kept going but not much was happening for him. I suggested he take me from behind because he normally enjoys that and also it is a very active position for him and therefore usually works well to get him to finish. But although I still had a good time (but didn't O anymore) still no dice for him. It then took about 10 more minutes to finish him off with a blow job.
I hope this isn't too much information and I am leading somewhere with this I promise
The next night (i.e. last night) H could tell I was very much up for it again. I was being gentle on him though and promised to leave him alone if he'd had enough of me. He denied it and said he was cool with it. So we kind of languidly lay there and did mildly suggestive things to each other, it didn't heat up and I didn't want to just jump his bones again. So I just said, "It's OK if you're tired and not really in the mood". He kind of mumbled something in agreement and backed off so we just lay there for a bit. I have to say I was being very easy on him because I really wasn't sure if I could handle not doing it. About 5 minutes later he took the initiative and upped the ante so off we went. Again great time. After I finished and it was when I was really really sure he was just about to explode too he again didn't. But this time I just faked not to notice and thought to myself 'well if he wants it he's going to have to come and get it'. We fell asleep.
I just feel that this is classic LD stuff really. He is being so sweet and trying to step up to the plate but I get the feeling his drive just plain ain't up to what I need. I don't want to keep bugging him about it and I do want to give him a chance to start feeling horny on his own account because at the end of the day I do like it when it comes from him and I don't have to encourage him. But I know from past experience that he will likely do nothing and I will just end up more and more frustrated. When that happens our R in general just starts back down that old slippery slope.
Why am I even posting this question? This is just the same old same old that we HD people know far too much about on this board.
At the end of the day does it all just boil down to basic incompatibility in levels of desire? Is it inevitable that the LD person will end up feeling hounded thereby decreasing their desire and the HD person end up feeling short-changed and their desire becoming more starved? If we insisted that two people ate the exact same amount of food regardless of their energy output and body size would one of them always end up feeling a bit hungry and the other feeling unenthusiastic about meal times?
And if this is the case should we perhaps become more open to the idea that the hungrier person satisfies their needs elsewhere? Ok - I'm just going to put my flame-proof suit and hard hat on now.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
This may be too flippant a reply for you but I'm a british Leo too - could it be this unexpected sunshine we have had just lately hitting your spot?!!! Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I just had a comment on him not having an "O." I remember after the D bomb and I started initiated all the time, H at one point didn't have one and/or it took longer for him. This freaked me out, thinking he didn't want me or something along those lines. He is on an AD, and I know that affects that as well. Is your H on anything? Also, like I said, it could just be that it takes longer since he's "getting it" all the time. Not sure though.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Is it really a big deal for you if your H doesn't O? If he is taking care of you, and you are feeling satisfied, why the pressure for him to O as well?
Hey Saffie! Yes I guess the sunshine might be helping or not helping - LOL
Cadesmom: H is not on anything besides alcohol of course and that can sure knock a guy's libido out of whack.
Corri: It is not a big deal, except that it is a little bit. The second time I did not make a big deal of it and neither did he so that was fine. Anxiety that he may think I am being selfish has got something to do with it. It is not the O I am really worried about here, it is just the fact that I know when I am sated in that department I will often not O, so I am thinking that he is currently full-up and needs no more. What I am really talking about here is how we deal with general long-term incompatibility of desire for sex. The weird dynamic that that incompatibility causes and the fact that the HD person WILL end up spending most of their M feeling a bit starved and the LD person WILL end up spending most of the M feeling a bit hounded.
And is there anything to be done about it or is it just a case of c'est la vie.
BTW, I will reply to your email. Just getting a few more bits of info together for you.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I think your H is having a hard time finding his desire in the face of your passion. I think he wants to please you so much (I have to show her I'm a virile, horny man for her), that he actually loses it... sometimes...
I think you need to own your sexuality and not hide it from your H, but maybe you need to do a better job of communicating to him that you do not expect him to be responsible for it. If you think he is, that is part of the problem.
For example. Let's say you've had sex two or three nights in a row, the next night hits and you are still really horny. You feel bad because he has been such a trooper, and you don't want to appear selfish, so your stifle your impulses.
Why should you? Let him be responsible for whatever response he may or may not have. If he doesn't want to participate, bring out some toys. INVITE him to watch, as that really turns you on.
If he doesn't want to, but you are still horny, play with your toys. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. But there is no reason to predict a single action or response of his until he gives you one. Then you act or respond. Genuinely.
Be you. Let him be him. He seems to be making efforts(???). And the next time he gets you off, don't make a single move toward his penis. Let him indicate to you that that is what he WANTS. Don't assume.
If he doesn't want to, but you are still horny, play with your toys. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. But there is no reason to predict a single action or response of his until he gives you one. Then you act or respond. Genuinely.
I don't have any toys! Maybe I should get some. One of the things about me is I have never MB'd on my own behalf. I've done it as part of sex play, but never by myself. I just get bored. Sex is a game for two players as far as I'm concerned. It'd be like playing chess with yourself.
Be you. Let him be him. He seems to be making efforts(???). He is
And the next time he gets you off, don't make a single move toward his penis. Let him indicate to you that that is what he WANTS. Don't assume.
The first time he was still moving his hips which is what made me assume. The second night it was the same but I just acted like I didn't notice. You know too post-coitally out of it to notice or care - LOL
But this isn't just about me, Corri, like you said on your Burns Notice thread you wanted to throw open the discussion to something more general.
H is being a trooper but like Cemar I feel like that's not always what would float my boat. Cemar just feels like sometimes he'd like to have his socks knocked off by a horny passionate woman who needs him RIGHT NOW. Sometimes I want to be ravished by a pirate, crying come here wench and ripping my bodice off. H never gets a chance to get himself into pirate mode because his drive is forever being over-satisfied. Cemar's wife never gets into horny hussy mode because her drive is being over-satisfied.
If it is the case that party A has a bigger appetite than party B what apart from tying ourselves into horrendous relationship knots are we supposed to do about it?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
If it is the case that party A has a bigger appetite than party B what apart from tying ourselves into horrendous relationship knots are we supposed to do about it?
Isn't that what we're here to figure out? And isn't the fact that the answer is so darned elusive the reason why we're still here, year after year?
Hairdog, going on 3 years, 8 months, and 6 days on the SSM board.
The weird dynamic that that incompatibility causes and the fact that the HD person WILL end up spending most of their M feeling a bit starved and the LD person WILL end up spending most of the M feeling a bit hounded.
And is there anything to be done about it or is it just a case of c'est la vie.
Fran, All I can say is that you get to a point where you realize that there will always be differences about many things ( not just the sex), but rather than feeling so frustrated by your spouse, you are able to accept. You get into a better mind frame with each other and you reecognize that tomorrow is another day to figure things out and work on them. There's this sense you are in it together.
Ironically, the way I have gotten to this mind set is by getting some more of my needs met ( which has taken lots of cage rattling...unpleasant to say the least). Simply put, things often have to get worse before they get better.
I cannot describe how badly I am climbing the walls with pent up desire at the moment and it is not even cycle related.
Night before last I just had to wake H up at 2 in the morning because I couldn't sleep.
-- I really wasn't sure if I could handle not doing it --
These statements don't sound like a woman desperately hungry and unable to sleep because of desire for personal intimacy or emotional connection with their lover. This sounds like pure, lovely, unadulterated horniness.
What do you have against toys/masturbation again? Of course it's not the same, and if you expect it to be the same, you will be disappointed. It's an entirely different animal, a sexual conversation with yourself and/or your fantasies in which you can pursue the same creativity and curiosity and even passion you might during a "normal" sexual encounter. Sometimes even more so, as you give yourself permission to explore *anything* at all without having to concern yourself with a partner's response.
You know how f*ckable you are, so why wouldn't you want to get in on the fun? Evil grin.
You don't have to think of it as playing chess by yourself. You can think of it as playing solitaire instead of poker. You may not enjoy solitaire *as much* as poker, but it's better than going crazy from boredom with a deck of cards in your pocket.
Originally Posted By: haphazard
Sometimes I want to be ravished by a pirate, crying come here wench and ripping my bodice off. H never gets a chance to get himself into pirate mode because his drive is forever being over-satisfied.
Oh, yes. BTDT got the bodice. In fact, I still am pretty much there. The only conclusion I've come to (I hate it but can't deny it) is that I have to choose. What's more important -- my desired frequency, or feeling really, really, clothes-rippingly, thrown down on the foredeck "wanted"? I really don't know how to have it both ways. He just doesn't build up the same head of steam (pardon the wretched pun) unless it's been awhile. It's what I call "the wolf". The golden retriever (the man who is perfectly willing to have sex with me and who does usually get into it once we get started) is nice, but I want The Wolf.
And you know what? he wants the wolf too. It doesn't feel loving to me (even though I still backslide into it) to use his willingness to accomodate my drive to such an extent that he never gets to that "wanting" place. It's no (well, not as much) fun for him, and it worries me too, because of the dreaded "use it or lose it"....
The beauty spot here is that if you really open yourself up (somebody stop me; that was an accident too) to masturbation (as an adjunct to, not a replacement for) your "real" sexual relationship ... you just might be able to have it both ways, at least to an extent you can live with.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
