New and confused

[Puddle]

Hi there. I'm in a bit of a fog, so hopefully this will be followable and not unbearably long.

DH and I have been married 10 years (we're in our late 30s) and have two kids, 7 and 4.

DH told me last week that he's having doubts about our relationship. He cried, I cried, we hugged a lot. Ours is a marriage based primarily on a caring friendship---a good thing since our sex life has been all but nonexistent for years (my drive's much lower, never really made much of an effort to change it, he pretty much gave up). But now he has a crush on someone else, and he says he wonders if there isn't someone out there with whom he'd "click" more naturally, like the same music, etc.

He's wondering if he's staying with me because he "should," and is afraid he's missing out on something and will regret it later. He says he's trying to figure out what he really wants. Though he said, "I'm not going anywhere" and "I have no desire to reinvent my life," I pushed (gently and calmly, but yes, I pushed) with, "So are you saying you're not thinking of leaving?" to which he responded, "I don't know." He said he used to think we were so reasonable, having decided to be together not based on romantic ideas but because we love and respect each other, but now he's not so sure anymore.

He says since he doesn't know what he wants and can't point to anything "wrong" that we could work on, he's not ready to discuss it with me. I said some other things I realize since reading DB stuff that I wasn't supposed to say: I'm totally committed to our relationship and we need to work together, I'd stop anyone from hurting our children and never dreamed that person might be you, etc. He reassured me he'd take care of us financially and I hit the roof.

Since the initial revelation, he's been varyingly friendly but distant or just distant---no more kisses goodbye, nicknames, etc. We had been switching off evenings, one out working and one with the kids, but since last week we've both been home. Tonight he told me he wanted to go out for a beer, asked if it was okay. I said sure, told him to have a good time.

I talked to a DB phone counselor who told me to reel myself right back to the here and now and stop catastrophizing, work on me, act as if. I'm totally down with the first two, but the latter is making me feel like a bit of a dip. I'm always fairly cheerful, so acting as if makes me feel like I look like I'm in denial or I don't care.

Today was a better day than the first few; I haven't burst into tears once (which I'm only doing by myself). Am I seriously not supposed to be thinking about the possibility of him leaving? or just not talking about it with him? I spent a good long while today asking myself what I'm really afraid of, what do *I* want from life, and could I ever stay with someone who would leave his children, which would cause me to lose all respect for him? No answers yet.

I'm not sure what to do except to experiment and observe. The thing he seems to be lacking, "connection," is something he doesn't seem to want from me right now. He did say he'd noticed my behavior changing but that it had utterly failed to touch him.

So that's the long and long of it. I'd sure appreciate some thoughts, ideas, questions, support, anything. Thank you.

[cliffy]

Sorry that your are here, but it can be a good thing.
I know that you will have doubts about any of this stuff working, but it needs to happen. Listen carefully to what H is asking for and give it to him.
Another good read to attempt to reestablish a connection is "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman.
He has noticed some changes, this is a good thing. Keep consistant. Remember he knows you and will not believe the changes right away, it takes time.
You did not get here overnight and cannot get out of here overnight.
Keep working on things that you want to change for yourself, hopefully they will impact the M.
Good luck with everything and keep checking in here, it will help to keep you centered through this crazy rollercoaster ride.

[Puddle]

Thanks for your response, cliffy.

Listen carefully to what H is asking for and give it to him.

This is such a tough one. DH says it's "connection," so I think "sex" and all the good stuff that goes along with it feelings-wise for him. But right now that's out of the question. Any thoughts on how to "listen" between the lines, in the meantime?

I just read this is another thread:
"If, on the other hand, your spouse has felt unimportant or neglected in the past, your quietly sitting back and not fighting for him/her might be misinterpreted as your not caring enough to do something about his/her actions."

I think this is where I am, and I feel like giving him space will be seen as not fighting for him. So how do I fight for him when he seems to be saying he needs space?

I realize this is a long haul and maybe I really should just continue to give him space, but these early days sure feel critical.

Thanks again.

[Heimlich]

Puddle,

Just remember that you're not going to fix it overnight and develop patience. Also, you're not a 'dip' for acting as if. It seems a bit silly at first, but it's a habit. Get in the habit of acting like your cheerful and happy and many times, you'll actually start to feel cheerful and happy. Everyone here thinks about the possibility of their spouse leaving. And, depending on where we are, on one level, yes, it scares us. On the other hand, you do have to realize that your M might end. Once you accept that as a possibility, it gets easier to deal with the day to day interactions with your H.

Also, as soon as I saw your statement about low sex drive and your H having given up on that part of life, I had the immediate thought that that's probably a large part of the issue. Yes, many men do connect emotionally with their wives through sex. It shouldn't be the only way, but it's important for many of us. I don't know how to put this delicately, but maybe he's not longer satisfied with a life based on friendship and companionship and really does want a sexual connection. Is that possible or something you sense from him? Is that something you'd be willing to give more of in the future?

One other thing struck me in that you seem to be blaming your H for walking. It takes two to make and break a R, what's your role in all of this?

Regarding chasing your H, showing him that you care. That's a fine line to walk. I think you've let him know how you feel. He knows. Too much more at this point is probably pushing. Maybe in a week or too take a moment to reiterate your feelings to him -- briefly -- to let him know that although you're doing your best to be happy, you don't want him to think that you're moving on without him. That make sense?

BD

[Puddle]

Thanks, Heimlich.

maybe he's not longer satisfied with a life based on friendship and companionship and really does want a sexual connection. Is that possible or something you sense from him? Is that something you'd be willing to give more of in the future?

Oh yeah, I think that's definitely huge huge huge. And I'm not happy about it, either, so yes, I'm absolutely willing to change that, and yesterday.

One other thing struck me in that you seem to be blaming your H for walking. It takes two to make and break a R, what's your role in all of this?

Interesting. I don't blame him for his feelings, but I might be blaming him for what I perceive as a threat to leave instead of working on it. That part hurts. I definitely bear (at least) half the responsibility: first is the sex part, secondly I've seen distance creeping between us and have been too lazy to work aggressively to stop it, third (in retrospect, of course) I don't think I've heard his need to spend more time together, and fourth I haven't trusted him enough to let myself be emotionally vulnerable to him. There's probably more, but those are the four that leap to mind.

Maybe in a week or too take a moment to reiterate your feelings to him -- briefly -- to let him know that although you're doing your best to be happy, you don't want him to think that you're moving on without him. That make sense?

Yes, that makes a lot of sense, thanks. It's a tightrope walk for me, because I tend to appear strong to the point of not needing him, which is a defense mechanism of mine (fear of vulnerability, see above). So by acting like everything's fine, my brain says hey, everything's fine, and I can work myself right into believing I don't need him. I'm not putting that well, sorry, but hopefully it's clear.

Thanks again.

[Heimlich]

secondly I've seen distance creeping between us and have been too lazy to work aggressively to stop it, third (in retrospect, of course) I don't think I've heard his need to spend more time together, and fourth I haven't trusted him enough to let myself be emotionally vulnerable to him

Sounds like a lot of the same reasons my M got to where it is.

I know exactly how you feel about how much it hurts that your H is willing to walk rather than work on the M. However, as I've come to understand, there's nothing you can do about it but to be the best person that you can and hope that brings them back.

Just wondering, but is your H aware that you're willing to work on improving your sex life together?

Good luck walking that tightrope. Just remember that the DB guidelines are guidelines only and, in your situation, it might make some sense to show a little more vulnerability than most of us do. That said, clingy, desparate and crying are not positive things to do with your H.

BD

[Atlas]

puddle,

you can show your h a connection not only with sex, but try the touch, a compliment, a laugh or make a meal for him. you sound like your very intuitive and in touch with what is happening. that is a good thing, you will be able to better see what needs to change. work on yourself and he will follow.

good luck and keep your head up.

[Puddle]

Just wondering, but is your H aware that you're willing to work on improving your sex life together?

I'm not sure he really believes it. He's heard it before and is probably dubious. And I'm afraid with the state things are in now, if I make a move he'll 1) totally reject it and 2) see it as a pathetic, panic-induced attempt to "win him back."

Is this reasonable thinking, or is this a place to show vulnerability---it's terrifying to approach with fear of rejection---and demonstrate willingness? All these concepts are so new to me. I know I need to do a lot of reading (SSM is on the way, for example), and I'm so grateful for this forum to get input on my specific situation, so thank you very much for reading. I'm sorry your situation is similar to mine, and I appreciate you sharing.

Atlas, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am indeed trying all those things.

[Puddle]

Thanks so much to everyone who has responded so far; I'm grateful. Another question has arisen. I'm supposed to take the kids out of town for a week next month, and now I'm wondering whether that's a good idea. I have no idea whether DH is still in touch with the woman he has a crush on (I don't think his feelings are for her specifically, but rather she may have been part of the catalyst that jump-started his wonderings about us). Should I go and let him do whatever he's going to do anyway, or is that just making it a bit too convenient?

I picked up a book for DH today that I knew he'd like. He said, "Interesting," and walked away with it. I was so sad, and then I realized that I'd been hoping for a specific reaction. Wrong! I felt better when I reminded myself that I'd picked up the book because I knew he'd like to read it, not so he'd sweep me up in his arms and declare his renewed love. Would've been nice, though.

I'd love to hear feedback about this and the physical affection stuff (in the previous post). Anyone have any nuggets to share? Thanks again.

[SueS]

Puddle-

Boy, I am so glad I found your thread. You're situation has some similarities to mine. As to your question of whether or not you should still go out of town, I say yes. Now keep in mind that this is coming from a person that would also be going totally crazy wondering what my H is doing and I'd have constant 2nd thoughts about whether I should go too. Keep your kids in mind. Take them anyway. Have a wonderful time with them. I know it will be a very hard thing to do. I'll keep checking in on your thread. Good luck. I know it's a ride that you don't want to take. I've been here before and it helped tremendously. I hate that I'm here again, but it's the first place I came when issues started to arise again.