Are we piecing yet?

[Have Faith]

I have not posted in a long time. I never got very may responses to my posts and was so depressed that I stopped. My shortened version of my sitch is:

In mid January I found out my H was having an EA with a women 15 years younger then him and 24 years younger then me. He told me he was in love with her and in the e-mails that I found (which is how I discovered the A) he was talking marriage. They met at the gym (which I was also going to) at the end of November. I forced him to move out in mid March and he filed for a D. I signed the D papers, but in our state until he signs the D isn't final. He has until the end of October to do this. If he doesn't sign them, then they are null and void. He won't even talk about them and anytime I bring them up (which isn't very often, now) he says I'm not signing anything. He rented a room from a friend. Only took his clothes and toiletries. By mid May he was coming over for dinner in the evenings after working out (I changed to a different gym) and then started spending the nights. Nothing physical. Said that without being 100% committed to me or our marriage, he didn't think it was fair to me to have sex. Didn't want to dissapoint me. He now stays at our home every night. It is like it use to be. He still has clothes and toiletries at his friends house, but he is still communicating with the OW. He says that he is trying to break it off, but doesn't know if he can. He spends almost all of his spare time with me and we have had some good times together going to dinner, golfing and even took a vacation together. We have also had a lot of heart to heart talks. He realizes he is addicted to her.

My DB Counselor says that I just need to let the A die a natural death. That if I force his to stop it, he will always wonder if it would have worked out with her. We have so many positives, but he still doesn't wear his ring, except when we went on vacation and when we go to his aunt and uncle's.

I am so confused. How long does this take? Will she be in our lives forever? It is so hard for me to shut my mouth. I have finally stopped snooping because I would always find something and it just hurt so much. Why would a single 32 year old women without children put up with not seeing the man she thinks is her perfect fit (those are her words, not mine) on evenings, week-ends, and holidays. A man who does not take her anywhere, does not introduce her to his family or friends. What makes a women accept this????????? She only has 8 months invested in him. I could understand it if she had 18 years like I do.

Comments please.

[Dr LOve]

faith,

Have you tried enjoying life on your own? I mean your sitch is kind of like mine. My W said she wants to be like "room mates". What have found is that I have started doing some things on my own. I changed my attitude and started having a good time. My W has seen this and has started to change herself. She is not yet to the point of asking to join me on my outings but a few times when asked she was happy to. Maybe what you need to do is examine yourself and find out what makes you happy. When you find out do it. Hiking, arts, dancing. Just do it. You will be a happier person and maybe it may spark an interest in you from your H again.

husband

[Have Faith]

Thanks Husband

I am in a women's golf league on Wednesday evenings and also play with a group of friends every Friday afternoon. I do have monthly outtings with my girlfriends. I workout and pretty much stay busy. I guess I could pick up something new, like a dance class. It does make me nervous when I'm out in the evenings because it gives him the opportunity to see her without my knowledge. I think he probably sees her on Wednesday evenings when I'm at league. I'm not sure, because I haven't snooped to find out. I will give it some thought. I do like the part about being happier. I try to be upbeat, but am not always successful. Especially if I have had a couple glasses of wine.

[ediemarie]

Hi Faith -
Husband is right. You do have to get out and enjoy life on your own. You can't do anything about your H's affair - not really.

I'm kinda in a similiar sitch as you are - and I did push my H to end his A - and he did - in March, but just this past month rekindled the R with the OW. He now says that he has ended things with her, again and finally.

The only thing that helped me to deal with all of this better is that I detached from him. I came to accept the fact that I CANNOT make him do anything - including move out of our home. I finally realized that he needs to own the bad situation he has created in our marraige - and it has helped. And I refuse to accept any responsiblity for his A. I did help contribute to the problems in our R, but I did not force him to go to another.

Don't talk about the A with him. Go out and do something for yourself - I know that is SOOOO much easier said than done. I too struggle with that immensely. But I have started doing little things here and there and it's beginning to help and it gets easier as time goes on.

If others (such as family members and friends) know about your situation they will think you are crazy. Be prepared to turn a deaf ear to them.

Come here and write. Sometimes people don't comment but getting it out here will help you either way. For some reason it just helps to put it out here. When others can help, they will.

Hang in there!
Hugs
EM

[saffie]

Have Faith

Did your H tell you she says that they are the perfect fit or did that message come direct to you from her?

Do you think that maybe she has someone else in her life aswell?

Could she be worried about the age difference between herself and your H so she doesn't want to publicly socialise with him?

It does seem strange and also that maybe for your H the A is beginning to run it's course.

Saffie

[Have Faith]

editmarie - Thank you for your input. I do feel that I have been GALing, as I do a lot without him. I am with you on the decision that I can not do anything about the A. It is up to him and I'm trying not to say anything about the A or the OW. It can be so hard.

My family lives in another state, so I don't talk to them a lot. He really does not have a family outside of mine. This is one thing that I think has helped us. He loves my family and would really have a difficult time leaving them. I have stopped talking about what I'm doing with my friends, as they don't understand and think that I should just get it all over with quickly if he isn't going to give her up.

Saffie - To answer your questions

Did your H tell you she says that they are the perfect fit or did that message come direct to you from her?

I read this in an e-mail that she wrote to him about 3 weeks ago.

Do you think that maybe she has someone else in her life aswell

No, I don't think that she has someone else in her life. She is head over heals in love with my husband. It is obvious by her e-mails.

Could she be worried about the age difference between herself and your H so she doesn't want to publicly socialise with him

The age difference does not bother her. She says she likes older men. Besides, it has been my husband who keeps her in the closet. Before he moved back home, they would go out to dinner, to sporting events and the theater together. Now that he is home, he doesn't appear to go anywhere with her. He is with me so much of the time, I don't see how he could spend much time with her, except maybe at her place.

It does seem strange and also that maybe for your H the A is beginning to run it's course.

I pray that this is the case. He keeps telling me, just give him time. He is always telling me what a wonderful and beautiful women I am. That all of this is his fault and not mine. That there isn't anything that I could do different.

I just keep telling myself that the only person I can change is me. I try to be very happy and in a good mood when he comes home each evening. It is really hard because I know that he has just been to the gym and has seen her. I wish he would STOP working out at that gym and workout at mine.

I just don't understand what she is getting out of this relationship now. I don't think she knows that he is living back at our house. I think he has just told her that he needs his space to think and to slow things down.

Thank you everyone for your input. I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to that understands. I have used the DB counselors and Jodi (my C) is absolutly wonderful. She understands and helps me put all of the positives in perspective. She tells me that he is just stringing the OW along in case it doesn' workout with us. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one being strung along incase it doesn't work out with HER.

Faith

[Have Faith]

I'm trying to be positive and each day I want to remember those things from yesterday that look to be going in the right direction. I want to concentrate on the positive and let go of the negative.

It has taken me awhile to really understand that I have been going down cheeseless tunnels. I am changing that beginning yesterday. I'm going to STOP nagging, be more kind and loving. I change and he will change.

Positives for yesterday:

1. He wants to go with me on our annual family golf vacation in September
2. He doesn't want me to take my (male) friend with me if my H is not able to take the time off of work. This person is just a friend and nothing else.
3. H wants me to see if my BIL could go instead of my friend. I had told my H that we need a fourth and that was why I had ask my friend if he was interested in going.

Faith

[saffie]

I try to be very happy and in a good mood when he comes home each evening.

This is so positive. My H said to me that the thing he had really missed at home was a smiley happy face and that was something the OW had. IT made up for her large hips and other deficiencies to a big extent. So doing that is such a good thing to do. It sounds like your war is being won by YOU. I hope so

Saffie

[JAK58]

[/quote] I feel like I'm the one being strung along incase it doesn't work out with HER.
[quote]

I think when we begin to piece, (which I do think you are headed that way) that we feel like we are being strung along just in case it doesn't work with OW. I still feel that way sometimes.

It does sound like he is trying to break the connection with her, So let it die off and only show H the kind of person he'll want to be with.

It also sounds like you are doing a great job with GAL.

jak

[Have Faith]

Thanks Saffie;

Some days it is so much easier to have that happy face on then others. I really must have the happy face on regardless of now I feel inside.

Last night he came home about 1/2 hour late from the gym. He did call me and said that he was late due to road construction. I do know that there is road construction on the street he would take home from the gym. However, if he would workout at my gym, that would not be a problem. I soooooo much wanted to say that, but didn't. He could tell from my tone that I was not very upbeat or happy. It is so hard to be happy when I know he has just come from being with her. At least it is in a public place and unless they are making out in one of their cars in the parking lot, which I don't think they are, then there would not be much physical contact. But since this is a EA, then just talking and seeing each other fuels the fire. Plus who knows how many e-mails they send back and forth thought out the day.

Ok, enough with that. On to the positives from yesterday.

1. He called me to tell me he was going to be late getting home.
2. When he got home I told him I didn't know how much longer I could do this and he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and asked me what he could do differently. Needless to say, I wanted to SCREAM, GET RID OF HER, but I didn't. I told him to touch me more in bed. It didn't have to be sexualy, just closeness. He said oh, I didn't know. How many time do I have to tell him this. Plus I have written it to him when we filled out our Needs questionnair.
3. He touched me one place or another all night in bed (yum).
4. I told him that I was going to start dance lessons when my golf league was over, which is in about two weeks. He asked me if instead, we could go play 9 holes weekly that night after work. I of course said yes as I think that he sees her when I'm golfing at league (which is tonight).
5. He just e-mailed me and asked my how I liked the touching last night. I told him that I loved it and it made me feel special and loved. That it was important to me. He wrote back and said that I was important.
6. No calls to her on his secret cell phone.

So, it looks like I had far more postives to be happy about then the one BIG negative. I read most everyones stich and sometimes it is so depressing as it seems likes these A go on for sooooo long. I know that he is addicted to her. I also know that he knows it is in his best interest to stay in our marriage. We have plans for retirement and such. He wants to retire early,which would be about the same time as me. He can't do that with the OW as she is so much younger then him. Also, I'm the one who has most of the money and have had a larger salary for many years.

I hope he comes to his senses soon.

Faith