From my perspective and having done some of those things.(Man I hope I'm married to one of you, then I could finally say we are working on things!)
It's about insecurity, in my experiance I felt like W was not committed to the R and would leave, so I attempted to tie her down without any thought of her feelings. So I'm out on weekend trips and she is home in the house stuck, and I'm the one worried about her leaving???? Well of course eventually she stood up and walked out, I treated her as if she would leave and she did.
If you can make him feel more secure about the R, even verbally explaining that this behavior bothers me and it's what makes me want to leave. Just a thought.
I would have to agree with you on the borderline abusive issue. Especially if he used any degrading language in the process of controlling/manipulating you. If this is the case, then yeah it was definitely verbal and emotional abuse. The question that bothers me the most about my sitch is not why is he so screwed up that he could treat me this way, but rather why am I screwed up enough to ever allowed it when I am so independent in every other faucet of my life.
Atlas,
Originally Posted By: Atlas
If you can make him feel more secure about the R, even verbally explaining that this behavior bothers me and it's what makes me want to leave. Just a thought.
What drives me absolutely nuts, is for me to tell my H my intentions (ie I'm not completely done, I need space, here are my plans towards figuring out what I want to do), and then he grills me over and over and over about what my plans are!!! The verbal reassurance is getting me nowhere except more questioning which really, really irritates me and makes me want to have NO communication at all. So if any of you guys are doing this DON'T!!!
The best part is you recognize the behavior and you see it for what it is, I would get some good suggestion ideas from a C on setting those boundaries.
Flip,
It's defiently a tight line to walk. You give a guy the reassurance and they want the whole thing. A good thing can be to spend time with your S, and possibly explain if the questioning is going to continue then I'm leaving. That way you may provide the reassurance through physical presence but without all the pestering.
On a side note I heard on the radio that some study found that men talk more then women, sure seems to be true in this context.
You know that the insecurity and self esteem issues are tough. If a spouse continues to ask questions then obviously S doesn't feel secure, and if the other S is undecided then obviously they can't feed the ego of the one asking questions.
Solution, get the insecure S DR and tell them to shut there mouth. I know it is hard from my experiance. Some times I can't.
WAW,
You mentioned that your H withdrew from everyone as well, have you thought about asking him about that? It seems odd that it would be done on both sides, you see H do this to W's, but not usually themselves as well.
What drives me absolutely nuts, is for me to tell my H my intentions (ie I'm not completely done, I need space, here are my plans towards figuring out what I want to do), and then he grills me over and over and over about what my plans are!!!
He is doing it out of desperation. He is afraid that if he gives you space, you are going to leave him. He is afraid you will decide that you do not want to be with him anymore. He is shocked at the thought that you are not sure if you want to continue being M to him and he will do anything that he thinks will keep that from happening. So, he is trying to smother you to try to convince you that the M is worth working on.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
is 1978 the yr you were born, just wondering its my birth year also.
anyways I started posting here as you recommended the people are much more supportive on this board here is my link
I had a few questions for you, hypothetically speaking, if you had an OM in the picture how would that affect your desire to work things out with your H.
also at times I really feel like I am making progress with my wife, she has even told me so, for example my last backslide, she got very irate and said "you have no idea how close you were, every time I think Im going to give you another chance you go and do something like this"
after every backslide I get back on track and then it seems all is well. I don't back slide that often though.
my second question is this assuming my wife is still contacting the OM, how real is my progress, is it really possible that Im making this progress if she is still having an affair. Or is she just keeping me happy so I won't snoop and bother her.
some times I feel like I am being played for a fool, How can she sincerely be considering us if she is still wrapped up with OM
He is doing it out of desperation. He is afraid that if he gives you space, you are going to leave him. He is afraid you will decide that you do not want to be with him anymore. He is shocked at the thought that you are not sure if you want to continue being M to him and he will do anything that he thinks will keep that from happening. So, he is trying to smother you to try to convince you that the M is worth working on.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I know it's out of desperation, but does he not learn a single thing from all the advice the rest of you give him????? I really do try to be sympathetic to what he is going through. I am bending over so far to accomodate him that I could practically be a doormat. (This of course has been one of the problems all along with me letting him control me.)He does good for a while, but then gets the attitude oh well things haven't gotten back to normal and I'm not getting "any" so I might as well be an ass again since nothing I'm doing is working......
I know it's out of desperation, but does he not learn a single thing from all the advice the rest of you give him?????
Honestly, NO. I don't know if it is all guys in general or just some guys, there are even a hand full of them on the forums right now, that do the same things over and over that push theirs W's farther away. Even after members on the forum have told them repeatedly not to do it or not to repeat it again. But, low and behold a few days later they will be back on here with a sad tell of how the messed up and did it again.
I have been working on my R for almost a year now. Bought a copy of "Divorce Remedy" end of last Sept. And I am just finally starting to take to heart and apply diligently the advice and insight that are in the dozen of different books I have read and from the members on these forums. It is not because I am stupid, but more so because I am arrogant. I start to apply my own logic and I "THINK" I know what is best for me to do or what to say or how to approach things, even if they go against what I have learned. Well low and behold, they never seem to go as I "THOUGHT" they would and I regret doing them. Well needless to say, I am finally a firm believer of the information in the books and "MOST", not all, but most of the insight or opinions of the members her.
So, it is not that your H or we (men and maybe even women) don't learn, it's just that we think we know what is the best way for us to handle our R the best, not some book or some stranger, but us. Well let me tell you. I have learned that that thinking is a bunch of bullsh*t. If we knew what was best for our R, we would not be her in the first place. We would be in the arms of our loved ones, sitting on the couch, snuggled up watching a chick flic. But, her we are, with all our arrogance and self knowledge looking for some help on how to dig ourselves out of this hole we have dug.
All I can ask is that you talk openly, calmly, honestly with your H and be very, very patient with his immature nature right now. Soon enough he will understand that he does not have all the right answers or the right frame of mind to earn you trust and love. He needs to put aside his own logic and follow the knowledge of others who have been there, done that, failed and learned from it. He (we all) need to start fresh and WITH A BEGINNERS MIND to full understand and apply what we are learning.
Have patience with him as I hope he is have with you. Time, patience, compassion, honesty, understanding and love. That is what we all need to have and exercise, including the WAS.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
