The C is really great at getting my H to see that things are not better yet and that we still have a lot of work to do. The C has been helping both of us recognize the work we need to do personally before being together in a healthy relationship. Like you, I think H knows that this is going to take time but he really really wants this separation to end, have me move home and move on with life. I realize its very hard for him because he was perfectly happy with the way things were. Of course he was always getting his way so I am not so sure he would or can be happy with me now that I am growing a backbone and not letting anyone control me (my homework from MC).
Only time will tell.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
WAW I truly believe, no matter what you think, that your H will actually appreciate you saying what you should be saying and having a backbone. It will be different, but deep down that is what he wants.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I agree with CVA -- if you firmly set boundaries with H, and tell him how you really feel and not let him belittle those feelings, he will begin to have more respect for you, and as a result your R/M will get better. It will be different for him (and you) at first, but you will both adjust and be happier in the long run (both of you).
I needed this from my W too, as I was the big bully in our R/M.
Last couple of days uneventful (in DB terms that means good)but I woke up this morning in a real funk. Very sad and depressed about the whole sitch. Just don't know how we got here and I don't know how to fix it. Every time I think about what it would be like to be involved with my H as a couple I am overwhelmed with feelings, fear, anger, disgust.
How could someone who was supposed to love me for the rest of my life essentially use me as a whipping post? How can I go back to a man that I know is emotionally abusive and doesn't want me physically? He stiffles me, robbed me of dream after dream and practically turned me into an anorexic to please him...no matter how thin or in shape I was, it never helped. I will still fat and unattractive to him.
Yes, I was submissive to him and let him get away with it. Only man in my life that ever got away with any of this crap because I loved him, married him and had a child with him. None of the other men ever got anything over on me. I never took any crap they were gone in two shakes if they ever tried to impose anything on me...but with H I took it all. Even when I begged for us to get help he refused...in my mind more evidence of how selfish he is and that he really didn't love me. He says he loves me but none of his actions reflect that. Even now, he is being spiteful about all of this. Trying to keep me from my D, keeping all of the furniture that I like just because and hell, he is even keeping my dog cause he knows how much that hurts me. Sorry just venting. Really bad day today.
I don't know...sorry guys. I know you are all on the other side of this and probably have no idea but this is probably how some of you WAS feel. I am so hurt and angry. This is not how I planned my life. He is not the person I thought he was when I married him.
Thanks for listening.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Sorry you are having a bad day today. We all have our ups and downs. I find when I really start to think about what is going on, that usually sends me into a downward spiral. Is there something that you can do to get your mind off the situation? Go and try and do something for you. I know it is easier said than done. Your H is very lucky to have a W so willing to put up with obvious bonehead moves to try and make the M work. He will come to realize this soon enough.
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I don't know...sorry guys. I know you are all on the other side of this and probably have no idea but this is probably how some of you WAS feel. I am so hurt and angry. This is not how I planned my life. He is not the person I thought he was when I married him.
Don't be sorry. We are all entitled to get on here and vent, especially when feeling down. Just know that we have all been there and tomorrow will be a better day. As far as being a changed person, I don't think there are many people on here that haven't changed in some way since they were married. The key is that even though they may have changed personality or habits in their lives, they are still the same person they were, and that is what keeps us here trying so hard. At least that is what keeps me here.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
I woke up this morning in a real funk. Very sad and depressed about the whole sitch. Just don't know how we got here and I don't know how to fix it. Every time I think about what it would be like to be involved with my H as a couple I am overwhelmed with feelings, fear, anger, disgust.
(((((waw)))))
I have followed your sitch since the first day, and I am always amazed at how hard-headed, selfish, and blind your H is and has been over the years. However, I am always then reminded that I was more or less the same way with my W. This realization always hurts, and I can undestand my W's pain through experiencing yours. It is tremendous, and I'm so sorry that you have had to endure this for so long, and continue doing so. Your H is still lost, in denial of himself, and therefore unable (not unwilling, but unable) to see that he has strongly contributed to the breakdown of this M. I admire you so much for doing what you can and putting up with his selfish actions in order to save a M that many in your position would've walked away from by now. Thank you for being so steadfast in your resolve -- hopefully H will figure out what's really at stake here sooner than later, and will look inward in order to repair the damage he has done.
I've continually hoped that your H would eventually come around, for both of your sakes. I'm hoping so much for this! Have you noticed ANY changes in him yet? Is he better, the same, or worse?
Do you think you could learn to love him again if he made the permanent changes you need from him? If so, how long do you believe it would take for you to regain this love for him?
For me, my changes have not changed my W's mind, and she still wants to proceed with the D. I'm torn between how much it has to do with her new BF, and how much it has to do with the fact that she just plain doesn't love me anymore (BF or not). I also wonder if she will ever feel love for me again, given the constistent and permanent changes in me and my R with her. It's been 9 months, and it honestly does scare me that she will never love me again no matter what I do.
Great job venting here -- do it as often as necessary!
(((WAW))) nothing worse than a funky wake up. I too see myself in your H and my W in you. I wish my W actually let herself feel the hurt and pain. She's bottling I feel. The question of yor H's committment to change is what really should tell you if he's ready to commit to you properly and lovingly. Oh to have a W that would entertain the idea!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Thank you all for your support. The day is getting better. I am not nearly as miserable as I was earlier.
GD
I have noticed some changes. He seems to be trying to give me my space. He doesn't prod as to where I have been or what I have been doing, nearly as much as he used to. He also fully admits that he did not treat me very well. But these are words, and I am just looking at actions right now. He did have a huge backslide this past weekend. I went out with my cousin and he kept questioning where we were, when were we there blah blah blah...then I find out he went to her house and talked to her husband to confirm all of this...BIG HUGE MISTAKE...I was with her and told him all the info he wanted and still he checks up on me like I am untrustworthy...not the way to make in roads with WAS.
I do think I could love him again in time. It took years of his abuse for me to get the strength to leave after repeatedly asking to MC and being so depressed. I have no idea how long it will take to be honest. Its been about 2 months since this separation began and I am nowhere near ready for anything more than trying to build a friendship with him. In all reality I have never been one to hold a grudge without good reason. I am friendly with every person I ever had a relationship with...no hard feelings on either side. I think I am capable of getting past just about anything, with time of course.
Its that whole 1 step forward 2 steps back thing...seems like we are getting nowhere.
I am still willing to try for now. In my mind I set a deadline of January 1st of next year to see some progress. If we are still sitting here square 1, don't know how I will proceed. But at least I have bench mark in mind to be able to sit down and take stalk of whats transpired in the previous 6 months and decide what to do next.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
hi WAW1978. I just wanted to give ya a hug. I know how hard it is to be the one who wants to WA, and at the same time still holding out hope and trying to DB.
I have read all three of your threads and I appreciate the advice from the other side.
My wife left me about 2.5 months ago, my thread is on loveshack.org but the people here seem so much more supportive.
anyways I have recently found that she was having an affair. Initially everything she said was what you said.
I was not like your husband I did express remorse and I still do. but like you she is angry that I just now realize it.
I have hurt her the way your husband has hurt you, I don't think I was as controlling though.
Anyways, you seem like you really want to work on the marriage which is shock to me since your the one who left but seem to be the one doing all the work. I wish my wife were giving me a chance.
after reading your threads though it seems as if she may be.
here is my question, how does this other man come in to play. she said she broke it off, but I don't believe it.
she only told me when I caught her and she was at his house the day before, but says she was there just to end it.
Can you still love your husband and want to possibly reconcile if there was another man involved
I know you said there is no other man in your situation, but if there was do you think it would be over for you.
I would hate to refer you to another website but here is my thread if you care to glance it over
