I read a very interesting book called Uncoupling. It really shed light on the process of this whole thing; it felt like I was climbing into H's head. Helped me get a lot of things.
One of the big points is that this crisis is usually started with a PERSONAL realization that ONE person is not happy. They look around and see a marriage, so the marriage must be the reason they are unhappy. But to keep the rationalization, there are projections onto the relationship, onto the partner.
My H has alluded to the fact that for his 36 years, he always put the needs of others above himself. Including mine, even though I never asked or expected this of him. He doesn't want to do anything for anyone anymore; his own version of an extreme 180. He even said that this is his time to be selfish, the man who was selfless to a fault. I can see how he would crave this balance...why does it have to go completely opposite before it can swing back half-way? I don't know...he doesn't seem to know, either.
The CW seems less of an issue (today, anyway). A transition object, something to help him go from where he was to this new, imagined life. Something came out recently, too, about that--her H wants very much to work on their M, go to counseling, and she is considering it. He threatened to take the children and keep the house, so she is motivated ;0)
He still wouldn't be ready to come home, though. He has chosen the most difficult path through this self-exploration, and will not accept help or guidance from anyone. And I represent the old him, the one who partnered, who "held him back," when it was really himself holding back. I went out and got a life; I was closer to balance (still, it was helpful to go through all this and become aware of my choices in prioritizing things in my life).
It seems that I found my strength again (I have to figure out how I do that--get it and keep it up in my head, instead of down in my heart). I know that I don't need this man. We will be ok, I will be ok. But my heart, my heart wants him so much...
Today I can see the way to go--let him live it, experience it, see the person who he has become. It is so contridictory to his core values...maybe, just maybe, he will come to his senses before I move on. Right now, I am just moving forward through this day.
Sounds like a great book. I remember MC recommended it, but I've never read it.
"And I represent the old him, the one who partnered, who "held him back," when it was really himself holding back. I went out and got a life; I was closer to balance...
This is exactly the kind of thing I mean when I say you are so much farther ahead of him.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Remember. this is reality, the better days, the good days.
I hope so, OT. The emotional roller coaster s*cks.
I actually typed up a synopsis (helped to get it in my head without getting overly emotional). I would post it, but it is about 9 pages long...wish there was a file-sharing place to post here...
You know, I read all this stuff with the hopes that we may still end up back together, you know...
Do you think that someone can change their core values permanently like that? I know that I love the man he once was. It seems like overnight, but after reading that book, I realize that he was silently transforming for probably 2 years or longer...Not that I would want to stop him on this journey; just wish he could have seen that we could have done this together, instead of keeping it secret and going outside of the marriage to meet needs.
I spoke with CW's H quickly today, and he offered up that he gave her the conditions (that he wants the house and the kids) and seemed hopeful, but not nearly as much today. (I don't need any more drama in my life, thank you. But it would be lovely if you all picked up and moved cross-country...)
Seeing the C was a good thing today. She got me to a place where I was able to reinforce my strength, and recommit to the no-contact. Respect him enough (doesn't that sound silly, given the sitch?) and love him enough to do things his way for a while--let him go and have his space. I know that it is fear holding me back...but the reality is, afraid or no, if he isn't coming back, there isn't a thing I can do about it.
C pointed out that she sees the CURRENT R as very damaging to me, and I really have to back out of it. Even with the A, he still has a lot of blame and resentment towards me, and she worries that I buy into it too often.
Looking back, I am amazed that I was able to do it with my sister. I knew the likely result, but I still wasn't afraid. I don't see or talk to her anymore, but if she came into my life today, I would welcome her.
Only two full days until we are on the plane!! I can't WAIT to get away from all this! I hope that being that far away will be able to kickstart a true sense of detachment for me. Or that the anger would come back, but C said that it will be there when I am ready for it (Sara, be my wing-man when it happens, ok?).
Oh, almost forgot--surprise, surprise, he actually wrote the Friend thing that I asked him to! My definition is on the old thread (bored some people to death with that one, sorry). C read it, and said it was the most info he has shared in a long time, if ever, since this started.
What is a friend:
*A friend accepts a person's choices even though they disagree.
*A friend hears a person's feelings and doesn't judge those feelings.
*A friend listens to a person and allows a person a freedom to follow those feelings without damage to the friendship.
*A friend is there in an hour of need regardless of circumstances.
*A friend feels unspoken pain.
*A friend loves for who a person is not what they have done.
*A friend helps to find a positive in any situation.
Still digesting this, but some of it is asking the impossible, at least right now--ex.) accepting his A/feelings for another woman IS going to be damaging to our friendship.
But hey, he wrote something down, and he seemed to put thought into it. Now, to let him go (even if I am still struggling to move forward myself).
Donna - I am really impressed by what he wrote. He put a lot of thought into it.
Quote:
Still digesting this, but some of it is asking the impossible, at least right now--ex.) accepting his A/feelings for another woman IS going to be damaging to our friendship.
Keep in mind that he may have been writing very generally, what "any" friend is. Not necessarily what he wants from YOU as a friend (although, it clearly looks like a lot of that is intended for you as a friend).
Also... I know this sucks but if you're really only friends, his feelings for a woman/ girlfriend would not be damaging to your friendship. Think of other male friends of yours - is their dating or R/M status of any concern to you? That said - the reality is, he is your H and the father of your kids. Even if he becomes your XH, you can probably never be just "regular ol' friends."
Not sure how to resolve that, just a little more to think about while you're digesting. Kind, courteous, and decent co-parents may be the best thing for you now. Doesn't mean that won't change, but maybe "friends" is just too close at the moment?
I truly believe that if H and I don't make it through this together, I could not be his friend. I'm lucky to have that "luxury" since we don't have kids though.
Your C session sounds great and your C herself sounds excellent, I'm glad for you! I agree with her about the current R - that's why I mentioned that about being friends might be too close. You do have the strength in you, and you know it because you've done it before. Will it be easy?? NO WAY.. but you have the strength.
I am so excited that your trip is coming up!! I did a DB trip to San Diego last year and it was wonderful. So much easier to be "dark" when you're too busy having fun to think about the sitch.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Just a venting for now, but this got it all out of my system. If I were to actually send it, I don't think it would get me any closer to my goals, so just posting it here (it's long):
Dear H, It seems like the last 9 months have been a series of revelations. 9 months--the gestation of a new life--yours and mine. At least I can look back and see how all of the pieces fit.
I realize that you have been going through personal changes, probably for a few years now. You'e said you grew unhappy in your identity, being seen as Superman, always being selfless and feeling stuck in that role. You've said that you felt taken advantage of, especially by me.
I can understand you wanting to change that, to become more balanced and set up appropriate boundaries. I am so sorry that I missed your message when you tried to reach out to me. I never thought that I was hurting you.
That's when things went downhill. You gave up trying to reach me when I didn't hear you. It became your secret, something pushed down inside of you where resentment grew. You gave up, not fighting for me, for us.
You turned outside of the marriage to vent. I learned that you confided in bff when you went to neighbor's mother's funeral--she never passed it on to me, because you swore to stand by your committments and your marriage, and to work it out. That was 1+1/2 years ago.
If you spoke to bff, I am sure that you spoke with CW at the same point, if not earlier. But bff was in a stable relationship and just put it back on you to talk to ME and work on it. We all know that CW was not in a stable M, and the commiserating began.
Your focus switched to everything that you perceived was wrong with our marriage and me. Your friend even told me how negative you sounded about everything. I think you had a personal realization that you were unhappy with your life, and looked around to see me--you projected that what I loved about you was what you could do for me. But that was never the case--I loved you for who you are. I seem to represent the old you, the one who was partnered, who "held you back" and who you felt responsible for, when it was really YOU who put these standards and expectations on yourself. I had no idea the resentment building in you, since when we started our R, you expressed your love by doing things for others (not just me).
CW was there to reinforce all of the negativity. "You deserve so much better, you poor thing!" And you did the same thing for her--pity and ego-stroking. Ironic that, in your search for independence and freedom from responsibility, you have given your heart to someone who coveted you for so long, who said she would do anything to have you, and who is so needy and weighed down by baggage herself. I remember you rushing off to pick up her D after 10, in your pajamas and lying down after working all day and snowblowing into the night, at her beck and call.
Now, CW's M is not what our M was. I'm not an alcoholic who stays out to all hours on a weekly basis, driving home drunk. I've never had to "escape" from you or the children. I was not depressed, verbally abusive or violent. I was not "grouchy" or "cranky." While I didn't put a priority on keeping house, EVER (you were the one who bought the magnet: Dull Women keep Immaculate Houses), I did care for you and the children, and showed my love in many ways. I worked and contributed to the family finances. Our skills complimented each other so well in how we were able to build up our home and family, balancing each other out. We shared the same values and many of the same interests. You said you were proud of me and my accomplishments, both as a mother and as a teacher/volunteer. And I loved you.
My love was for this good man who I was priveldged to share my life's journey with. He was kind, considerate, loving, thoughtful, and dedicated to his family. He was warm and caring, strong in mind and morals.
The person who you have become has hurt me, over and over, with intent and/or disregard. You don't care who you hurt, now. Even knowing what is in the best interest of the children does not change your mind. I was taken aback the day I shared repressed memories of abuse, and you wanted to know what that had to do with our problems. You never brought it up again. Recently, our friend called you, concerned about how upset I seemed. You not only did not call (but told her you wanted to know when things like that happened--why, are you hoping something would happen?), but you never had our son call me that night, either. From the same person who condemned me when the kids didn't call early enough on Father's Day, which you weren't even home for.
You are a liar and an adulterer--and the lies were not to "protect" me from being hurt, but to protect yourself and your own interests. Wouldn't it have been convenient if I had agreed to move out of the house, leaving you with everything including the kids and your lover across the street? When that didn't happen, you snuck around, "fooling" everyone (not really), getting indignant at the mere suggestion that your integrity was being questioned. It must have all been so exciting, going off to motels and having sex in the car! It was cowardly. What happened to trustworthy?
You convinced me that I was crazy when I sensed the inappropriateness, leading up to and including the affair, and as far back as two summers ago--just friends, my ass! But I trusted you, defended you to others, allowing you your friendships (I did not want to control you or tell you who to be friends with); I lost faith in myself, couldn't trust my own feelings. That is what made me suicidal. And that is when you say the physical affair actually started. Were you hoping to come home and find me dead? What happened to compassion?
You betrayed me, our marriage, our children and our family. You were right when you said you failed, but I still saw an opportunity to make it right, I was willing to do anything to help you come home to my heart, and I worked so very hard at changing any issue that you brought up. What happened to loyalty?
Instead, I am disappointed and ashamed of you.
I have owned up to my mistakes, but there was nothing that I did that warranted how you have treated me. You have no forgiveness or remorse, and nothing that I've done to fix this has touched your heart. It all seems so punishing, and you continue to pay lip service to your contributions to this while blaming me for so much and rationalizing your choices. You even alluded to how I CAUSED you to have the affair, like you had no other choice! If you needed space and was so certain that you were done, why didn't you leave? Or file? Or even look into how to file? You say that you tried, and I believe that you did to an extent (as gullible as I am), but HOW? How did you think you would "find me" while you were emotionally, then physically involved with another woman? You won't read anything, talk with people who don't agree with you--even lied during your C, making that whole thing a farce. What happened to integrity?
I BEGGED you to back off of that "friendship" for years, to turn towards me and the marriage. I wanted to talk to you, but you were talking to her every day at the bus stop, in the hot tub, etc. I did NOT ask you to give your heart away to another! I did NOT unzip your pants! What happened to dignity?
Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and see a strong woman who tried everything humanly possible to save her marriage, even i nthe face of such betrayal, for her family and children, for herself, and yes, for her husband.
I've learned a lot about my own faults and areas that I can grow and become a better person, and I know that I am on the right path to get there and move forward. That is the one positive that I can see from this whole mess. And those lessons will serve me well when I meet someone...
I miss my husband very much. You look a lot like him, which is very confusing to me sometimes. He was a good man. I'm not sure what lead you to make, and continue to make, these choices in your life that seem so contradictory to your core values, but I guess those have changed, too. I don't want the man you have become. But I hope that you find what has driven you to all of this, this elusive happiness that you are searching for.
I can understand, now, what people mean when they say that someone is under the Devil's influence. The whole thing is so sad.
So, I am finally able to accept the truth and let you go, even if it is something that I never foresaw or wanted. I was secure in our marriage, and with myself, once. I am glad to have my faith restored in myself. Your secret changes were just so incomprehensible to me; it took me a long time to open my eyes and accept this new you and your change in feelings and values. As we've discovered, my defense mechanism is denial of the bad stuff.
I can't fathom all of the emotions that drove you to treat me the way that you have--I didn't deserve this.
Maybe the saddest thing in all of this is that I still love you. Or, at least, who I believed you to be. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am thankful for all of the good years and memories that we've shared, and for helping me bring these wonderful children into my life.
I can't make you love me. I can't make you hold value in our marriage or family. I can't make you want to try. And honestly, I can't predict if it could work now, anyway. I used to think we could handle anything that life put before us. I;ve learned, the hard way, that there are no certainties in life, no promises that can't be broken.
I'm looking forward, now, to enjoying my freedom and independence. I am surrounded by family and friends who love me. You were right--we're all going to be OK. And I know that I have a lot to offer to the world. Maybe someday I will find someone to share that with again, when I am ready and open to it. I'll never just settle, and I'll never be complacent again. Each day and each person we love is a gift, a miracle, not to be squandered. And happiness comes from within you, first. You have to be happy and secure in your own skin. And I am.
I hope that you find what you need. I wish it could have been together with me...
This is a powerful statement. Normally we suggest writing these things for ourselves, never to be sent. But in your case, if you are truly ready to end the M, it might actually help both of you to see where things stand.
I didn't like the first part rehashing how his affair began, but it picks up speed when you start talking about yourself. Starting about with " My love was for this good man who I was priviledged to share my life's journey with...." except you could say that you thought you were priviledged to because actually, it didn't turn out that way. I think you have gotten into the meat of the matter.
And yes, if he doesn't answer the question, I have been thinking for weeks that he was trying to get you to commit suicide. I know it's a terribly ugly thing to say. But you had me so scared sometimes. There were at least 2 saturday nights I barely slept worrying about you. So it needs to be said. I believe you would have fulfilled his desires if you had simply taken yourself out of the picture, whether by leaving or committing suicide.
I think the letter is a home run. I would send it without the first part.
Mike, not sure what I want to do--I am happy to be going away for the week, and getting away from this. I am sending a copy to my C, and it felt good to just get it out there, a brain dump.
I forgot to add: I've heard that CW's H wants the house and kids if she doesn't try C...so, I guess you find it ok to contune the damage to both families, and let CW abandon her own children for your "love"...
Also: You thought that you had too much responsibility here. Now, you are going into a family with a 14-year-old who is allowed to dress and wear make-up like a slut, has been pressured to give her boyfriend a blow job last year (at 13), and cuts herself so she can feel something. Remember when CW slapped her and threw her out of the house? The 8-year-old is in therapy, as well, and still won't sleep alone (stays with her daddy). The 6-year-old is called Sybil by her own mother, with wild mood swings, sullen and manipulative (like all of them). And the 4-year-old soaks it all up, pitching her own fits and making her own demands. All of them are overly clingy and dependent, with no idea of proper boundaries and rules between themselves, for themselves, and with adults. I wonder how they all got so screwed up...CW gets flustered with them all (is she still in therapy, too?), and tells them that "they" are coming to get them when they hear sirens...and laughs at their terror. A real up-standing family you'll have.
And: I remember the times when I have needed you, recently, and you refused to be there. Forgetting to build the casket for our dog, who we adopted on our honeymoon and I had to put to sleep. Then letting CW's kids hover while we buried her in the yard, until I yelled at them to go home. Letting me go into major surgery without saying I love you (I guess it wouldn't have been honest, but it hurt so much). You also supposedly started your physical affair the same month--was it while I was in the hospital? Or downstairs so you could have the bed for your back, looking at all of the pain pills and wondering if I should just make my pain stop forever?
Sara, I worried about me, too. What a scary thought. I wish you could have known him when we wasn't crazy...
