As John Lennon wrote and sang so many years ago: Imagine there's no heaven. It's easy if you try.
We are slowly evolving into a godless nation. Gone are the old days of the Nuclear Family and the Ozzie and Harriet Nelsons. We have replaced this with the Me Generation which has led to Generation Ex. We are so consumed with our own happiness- that we will justify and rationalize everything. We pick and choose what we want to believe, and ignore anything that goes contrary to these thoughts. And if these choices do not go as planned, we blame other people for causing us pain and hardship. Because in the Me Generation, nothing is truly our fault.
I remember the day I discovered my wife was having an affair. It was a beautiful morning on July 15, 2005. I had woken up early and had gone downstairs to read the paper and have a cup of coffee. When I walked into our kitchen I found the lights on and suspected that our 14-year old son had gotten up to play computer internet games sometime during the night. Even though we all had our own computers and internet connections, my computer was the newest and fastest. I started the computer and opened up the Temporary Internet Files to confirm whether or not this was the case. As I suspected, our son was online from 11:30 to 1:00 in the morning playing computer games. I decided to print out his activity and show it to my wife. The two of us would then sit down and talk to him regarding this matter. Just before I printed the report I decided to sort the Temporary Internet Files by Internet Address so she could see what our son was doing. As I scrolled down the web addresses to capture his activity at this internet address, I was shocked to discover that my wife had a secret email address that she was checking 40 to 50 times a day. I felt my pulse soar as I continued to scroll down her recent activity at this web address. I sat there in disbelief and wondered what was going on. I decided to not only print out our sons internet activity, but her activity as well.
As typical in our family, I would take up a cup of coffee to my wife on my way to shower to get ready for work. On most mornings my wife would mutter the word thanks and would continue to lie in bed when I set the cup of coffee on her nightstand. On this morning she shot out of bed as I set the cup down and said she was getting up. I told her we needed to talk about our son, and that he was getting up at night and playing internet games. She replied that we needed to put some kind of software on the computer that could monitor and stop this activity. She started to walk by me when I said we also need to talk about this, as I handed her an eight page report on her internet activity. She asked what it was as her eyes tried to focus on the report. I told her it was her activity over the last two days checking an email address that I didn’t know she had. She stated that it was an email address she had for school (she was taking classes at the local college to get her teaching degree) and she used it to correspond with her classmates. I asked her why she was checking it so many times a day and she said she was expecting an important email from a classmate. Even though I knew she was lying I decided to drop the subject and headed to the shower as she left the room.
While showering I kept thinking to myself- what is going on? I knew that she was lying and my intuition was telling me she was having an affair. I did not want to believe this could be happening for several reasons. First of all, she was a devout Christian. Second, we had been married for 19 years and she had never given me any reason to think she would do this. Third, we have three children she is totally committed to as a mother- a sixteen year old daughter (Katie) and two boys ages fourteen (Duncan) and eight (Daniel). Fourth, where could she find the time to have an affair? She worked part-time, went to school part-time, and was a full-time mother. Fifth, I have always done everything I could to give my wife what she wanted. If she wanted to start a business I would financially and emotionally support her (she started several businesses that never made any money). I bought the house she wanted in the neighborhood she wanted and remodeled the whole house as per her request. And finally, I didn't want to accept that my wife (and the person I loved so much) could be having an affair.
I finished my shower, got dressed, and went downstairs determined to find out what was going on. When I walked into the kitchen, she quickly got up from the computer and approached me. I said to her, "stop all of the bullshit and tell me the truth. What is going on"? She said, “I’ve been writing Jeff” (a friend of ours who had just gone through a painful divorce). I said, “are you having an affair”? She said, “no- we’re just friends”. She looked away from me towards our family room and said, “Katie and Duncan will be okay, but I worry about Daniel” (Daniel was sitting on the couch watching cartoons). I asked, “what, do you want a divorce?” She said, “yes”. I started pleading and begging her not to do this. I told her we could go to counseling. That we needed to try these things before we put the kids through a divorce. She reluctantly agreed to think about it and we would talk after I got home from work.
That was over two years ago, and yet, the memory of that day is still so vivid in my mind. So many lies, so much deception. Of course the number one lie was “we’re just friends”. I found out this when I took her suggestion that morning and put software on the computer that would track everything. Hard to believe someone you used to play golf with, someone you thought was a friend would have an affair with your wife. Not to mention, since he was fresh off his second failed marriage (and no kids of his own), he was coaching her and what to do. Wonderful software. However, I am hoping God has a special place in hell for people like this.
I could bore you with the details of how the legal system isn’t fair to fathers. Not to mention fathers who have been devoted to their families and marriage. However, this doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter in the legal system because of the No Fault divorce rules. How you are court ordered out of your house you rebuilt with nothing more than your clothes and your personal jewelry. How you are expected to survive when everything you earn is paid to your wife in either child support or spousal maintenance. How you are expected to live and have a home for your children to visit you at when all of your money is paid to the estrange wife. And if you can rent a place to live, you must beg, borrow, or steal furnishing, appliances, beds, TV’s, spices, pot and pans, toilet plungers- you name it. Everything you have accumulated and take for granted you don’t have anymore. And somewhere in this world you now find yourself in you need to hire legal representation. Because your estrange wife has- and they know that the judges usually rule in the women’s favor. They can sit back and have all of these outrageous demands. They don’t care. As long as you are paying everything, why should they? So, you are bargaining without any leverage, and your spouse can drag it out for two years.
The worst part is not living way below what you are accustom to living and losing everything you have. No, the worst part is watching as your kids start having behavioral problems. And to add to that, watching this while your spouse seems oblivious to what is going on. The children who seemed so important to her before the divorce become an after thought. The spouse who is leaving wants the children not to interfere with their new love life. They want the kids to grow up quickly, and besides, they need to learn at an early age that life isn’t fair. Also, having two homes and neighborhoods is cool. They will try to put a positive spin on the whole situation. And the reason for this, of course, is because this is what is important to them now. And, they do not want to feel any guilt over what they are doing.
I have witnessed several times recently what is important to the “new boyfriend“ in a relationship. A co-worker of mine is currently dating a divorced woman. Her eldest son is having problems adjusting to the new life style his mom has given them. My co-worker has manipulated the boys mom into believing that the boy is a delinquent, and every time there is a problem he calls the cops. The boy has all kinds of legal problems now, and he is still in high school. A couple of weeks ago I got a call at 4:00 in the morning. When I looked at the caller ID, it was my sons cell phone calling me. As I called my sons number I went up to his bedroom to verify if he was home and he wasn’t. A guy by the name of Rob answered the phone. He said that he caught his girlfriends son- Josh, smoking marijuana outside their house and that my son dropped his cell phone when he ran away. I went over to get Duncan’s cell phone and Rob said that he sent Josh (who was already on house arrest) in get a drug test after this all happened. Josh is now back in the youth jail. Why would the new boyfriend care about this boy? He is just in the way of his mom and his relationship! Same thing I saw with my co-worker. The sooner they can “lose” the kids, the sooner they can live life as they want.
Prior to my divorce, I couldn’t understand why there was so many private youth detention centers being built. Although I had helped construct several of them, I wasn’t sure where their “clients” were coming from. I now know. All of these parents who have started to live their “me” lives do not want the baggage from their prior relationships interfering in their new relationships. What is even harder to believe is that many of these parents were devoted to their spouse and children before the divorce started. Many were self proclaimed Christians. I remember as a kid trying to convince my mom (or dad) I really needed something or I would die. I remember my mom telling me if everyone was jumping off a cliff and dying would I do it? The bottom line is, many parents are throwing their kids off the “cliff” without even a thought. Their only thought is their own happiness. Dr. Phil has stated the number one priority of a parent is to put their kids interest first. Although I am not a big advocate of any media shrinks, this is a true statement. When parents decide to put their own interest ahead of their kids, nothing good happens. The other day I was talking to my wife and told her I was tired of her trying to blame me for my son’s behavior. I told her that he wouldn’t have flunked every class his freshman year of high school if she wasn’t divorcing me. That he wouldn’t be smoking pot if not for what was going on with our family. She tried to blame me for the divorce. I told her I wanted to do counseling. That I still would do anything to stop this madness. She said she no longer loved me, and to stop sending all of the Christian rhetoric at her. I told her that was very selfish on her part. That the future of our kids was more important than what she felt. She said she knew I would say that. I said, “you have put your kids future beneath your own wants and desires”. She hung up the phone. Who is being selfish here?
I have 30 days until we go to court to finalize the divorce. Not very long. She doesn’t seem to care about the kids. Just herself. Maybe this is the mindset I should have. To hell with the kids and make myself happy. But this isn’t me. My family has always come first.
I am so sorry for all you are going thru. but honestly, you know the answer...keep caring about your kids. I understand how frustrating it is, I do. I am floored that my H would choose subjecting our kids to divorce and all that goes along with it without trying to save the marriage first. but the one thing I know very clearly is that the only person I have control over is me. and I will be that rock for my kids...I will be very careful of them, and I will do whatever I can to make this transition, this horrible life change, as painless as possible. I know it won't be pain free, and I know there will be sadness and it will affect them, but I will do my best to minimize the damage. for me, part of that is exploring the notion of a play therapist for my eldest, possibly his siblings.
take care of yourself. stay strong, look for the silver linings, because as hard as they may be to find, there will be some...if not now, soon (maybe the fact that statistically a divorced man's lifestyle typically increases, a divorced woman's decreases, might give you comfort...I know that works in reverse for me, but hey, thought I'd throw that out there).
good luck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My current situation: Me- 49 It- 46 D- 18 S- 16 S- 10 Married- 21 years 4/26/07 Together- Since 9/79 Met- Ball State Univ. Bomb- 7/15/05 6:00 am
What is it with a parent that can't see, or doesn't want to admit that what they are doing will be detrimental to the children? How can someone you thought you knew do something like this? She even said it the day the bomb was dropped. She was tired of putting everyone ahead of her own wants and desires. It was time she put herself first. WTF? She should have thought of that before the children came along. One thing I left out of the earlier posting was that since the D started I have loss my relationship with my D-18. She has decided that her mom is doing the right thing and won't even come over to visit me. On the other hand, S-16 decided he was moving in with me (7/06) and rarely sees his mom. This whole process has polarized our family. And stuck in the middle is S-10 who moves back and forth and lives out of a suitcase. What a mess. There are some good things that I am able to do since the divorce. When we were together I was rarely able to go golfing because, in her words, I should be home helping with the children. Now, I go golfing three to four times a week. I am actually getting my game back together. She used to get mad at me when I went golfing with clients during business hours! I sure do love to go golfing, but I would give it back up to put the family back together.
I wish you well with your situation, and thanks again for the words of encouragement.
