Made it through the night of work, I am completely shot right now. Oh I hope I get at least 7 hours of sleep today.
My immediate goals right now is to regain my focus, and PMA. Both have been severly lacking the last couple of days.
As I look ahead, I do not see a good ending right now. I know take some time..... It is hard though as I feel like I am getting backed into a corner. I dont want to be the one to file. But I want to be ready when she does.
OK, I did get some pretty decent sleep, still shaking the cobwebs out. I've got about 2 hours before I need to think about getting ready to do the work thing all over again.
I will have to admit over the last 24 hours I have hit probably one of my lowest lows since all of this crap started. Seem to be pulling out of it a little bit.
One of the things that can drive a person completely nuts I think is all of the uncertainy. I was thinking yesterday, well at least no matter how all of this crap works out, at least I have a decent/secure job. I get to work last night and rumors are abound of all sorts of uncertainy. IE, possible lay offs, management cut backs, company for sale......just lots of stuff like that, and none of it good. Man I dont need that right now.
Anyhow, I have lots to say, but not sure as how to word it and my time is getting short as I am hoping to accomplish something before I need to get ready for work in 1 1/2 hours.
Thanks Kat. I guess I need to remember that the only thing constant in life is change. The better a person learns to adapt to change, the more successful they will be. I cannot control many of the things that are changing around me and in my life. I can only control me, and how I react to these changes.
I think I am going to start planning a vacation for my self in the distant future, say like next Feb. So I have something to look forward too.
I am still procratinating the things I need to accomplish today, I have about 1 hour to get at them so.......here I go.
I have come to a conclusion. I am done. I am tired of the agonizing. The waiting and wondering. It has been almost 4 months since she has walked out the door. I have not recieved a crumb of anything to resemble any sort of hope for this thing from her.
Since she left she has stopped wearing her ring, about 2 - 3 weeks after she was out. Stopped paying anything on the mortgage. Now is moving into an apartment on a 1 year lease. I have worked real hard at keeping a PMA in the few short minutes that I see her when she drops off or picks up our child.
I try to make small talk with her, and she will hardly go there. Will barely make eye contact with me. Comes and goes as fast as she can. I threw out a few light invitations for say, "hey you want to stay for supper" "or you want to do this with me and child?" Always rebuffed.
Sometime in this coming week, whilst I am not here, she plans on taking her things. I have tucked a few things away that she will not get at.......she will not take all of our pictures of our child. After her move is complete, the locks on the house will be changed.
Shortly after her "move" I am going to suggest to her we have a discussion. In this discussion we are going to talk about the disposition of this house. Also plan on asking her what are her plans for the future. I honestly dont anticipate this to be a pleasant discussion.
Unless somewhere in this time I get at least a "crumb of hope" it is time. It is time for me to face up to the cold reality of what is. It is time to protect myself financially. It is time to protect my rights as a father. It is time for her to see the full implications of all she has wrought.
It will be painful for me, but it is what has to be. I refuse to allow all this crap drag me down into an abyiss from which I shan't recover.
Believe it or not, coming to this conclusion has actually brought me a level of peace that I not had before. So I would think before this month is done, as they say, the crap is gonna hit the fan.
It is too bad, but it is time to start looking out for me and my interests.
thanks for the comment NDDT...yeah it gave me a smidgen of hope!! have either of you filed for D? or just living seperatly? I filed...big mistake, and yes I am learning treamendously from that mistake, but what i'm wondering is, if neither of you have filed...then there is hope...she hasn't filed for a reason...just my 2 cents worth...it's hard to live in limbo land i know!! try to remain positive hugs to you
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
No christarn, I have not filed. To the best of my knowledge she hasnt made that move yet either.
I have spoke to a lawyer, although have not retained him.
What I would really like to do is find a place where I could be financially secure enough to ride this thing out. I do not know if this will be possible. Am going to put some work in on that this upcoming week.
One thing that has thrown me for a bit of a loop since my past post is what I read on this link: http://rejoiceministries.org/
I would like to have that sort of faith and strength. Would like to have the means to get by.
I have alot of things to sort out right now.
In talking to alot of people, my mother included. I am getting the advice to move on with it. But I know that this is a decision I have to make for me. I do have alot of peoples concern, on this board and elsewhere. I am not alone.
I need to get ready for work.
People have a nice Sunday evening. Be good to yourselves. Hug your kids.
Well just home from work. Glad that this weekend is over. Off today and tommorow. She bring child by around 1 ish so I need to grab my 4 hours of sleep.
Will be good to see daughter. Dont have anything to say to wife today. Probably wont talk to her.
hugs to you