A lot going on in my life with the passing of my father and my sitch. Sadly I am here as a failure. It was all "way too little too late" as she told me.
The paperwork is moving between the lawyers fairly fluidly now. It's a matter of days or weeks now.
Her and I got into a fight on the phone today. She finally let go of all the anger she had towards me. She insulted me to the deepest levels. She knows how to push my buttons. And she did. She hit me in places that she controls well. My self esteem (she called me physically REPULSIVE), my abandonment issues from being a child (That she should have left me years ago and I was never good enough for her) and many many other things.
This has left me to the point where I have no hope. None. Every person I've ever cared about in this world has moved on or past me without even a thought...except my children. So I come back to the place I've always been. That I'm not good enough for anybody. I don't belong. I never will.
Since I don't belong I have to figure out how to forge a path for me in this world alone. I thought I had a soul mate. I was mistaken. There is none for me.
I come here to say goodbye to all my friends that tried to support me through this life changing and molding event in my life. If I could give you all hugs personally I would. Oh who am I kidding..I wouldn't. With my self esteem I wouldn't show up. But I still want to thank you for seeing me though some of my darkest days. For the support and encouragement even though it ends up I'm one of the biggest pieces of [censored] to walk the earth. But without you guys I probably would have been locked up in a mental health hospital. I may still end up there, but at least it will now be for me instead of her.
You may see me from time to time on "Surviving the Big D" but I dunno. I will probably just troll, it's safer that way.
Even though I'm a failure. DB is not a waste of time. It may or may not save your relationship. But in the end, the journey will make you grow and that is what is important.
I will not be re-checking this thread. I'm even debating on canceling my internet and moving to a cabin in the woods to live out my remaining days. But I couldn't leave without thanking all of you. Especially Jazz, 789, Amy, and UA. You made me feel like I belonged and was valued for real. Something I've been craving my entire life.
Goodbye.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
nmhurting: if you read this please know you are not a failure...your WAW bailed out not you...you will survive....i didnt get my W back either but i know now (3 mo. post D) clearer than ever that his is all about her and not me...be strong and god bless...BT
ME-47 WAW-42 S16 S8 bomb 5/5/06 separated 10/6/06 D 4/18/07
The sun will rise and a man with children that love him can NEVER be a failure. a failure would leave his kids to find thier own way and leave them without a dad who loves them, shares thier world, thier dreams, thier joys and thier tomorrows.
Those kids love you and you need to love yourself.
I am not even tryingto give you encouragement or false at this point, I just do not want you to take those emotional hurtful words too personally. remember, I said all those things to get my H out of the house. I said horrible things to my family about him on the phone. We say these horrible things without thinking. I feel sorry for men because they just don't get how complicated we are. Do not feel repulsive, you are far from that. I used those same words and even if I kind of believed it at the time, it was a stupid decision, not the truth, just a low blow we are all capable of that.
You can survive the Big D and you will GAL even if you have to fake it to your kids.
The Soul Mate Thing- That is really tough. That sucks so much. I think I look back a few generations of women in my family and we ALL lost our life soul mates way too early in life. Can we handle a life alone without a partner? I dunno. How long do we wait for our spouses to realize the grass isn't always greener? At what cost? I dunno. If you were able to love before I know you can do it again. I know that is way ahead and you (me too) may not be ready for that but don't close your heart to love.
aaaaarghhh! Divorce is friggin' hell! I had no IDEA when I thought this was what I wanted! Sorry.
Last edited by mkultra; 08/03/0705:09 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
She hit you with the low blows as a first strike, she's afraid of looking within. I feel sorry for her in a way because she is leaving someone who now gets it. You are like a high mileage classic going through a total restoration, you'll be better than ever. If she can't wait for the finished product she'll be left with old unreliable junkers.
No self pity needed here, you da man and getting better!!
Keep that in mind!
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Her and I got into a fight on the phone today. She finally let go of all the anger she had towards me. She insulted me to the deepest levels. She knows how to push my buttons. And she did. She hit me in places that she controls well. My self esteem (she called me physically REPULSIVE), my abandonment issues from being a child (That she should have left me years ago and I was never good enough for her) and many many other things.
This has left me to the point where I have no hope. None. Every person I've ever cared about in this world has moved on or past me without even a thought...except my children. So I come back to the place I've always been. That I'm not good enough for anybody. I don't belong. I never will.
I hope you WILL recheck this thread because you need to know that anyone that would be so cruel to a man whose children she bore, was never worth the sweat it took to erect the pedestal you've put her on. Even in MLC, there are typically limits to where we go when we're spewing. Your wife can't even use MLC as an excuse for herself. Shame on her.
Let me tell you something else. No one is put on this earth to be pissed on, do you understand that? Not by strangers and certainly not by someone that claims to have cared about us, even once upon a time. The behaviors and actions of your wife are not a reflection of your worth. They are a DIRECT reflection of her inhumanity. She is not justified. It has not been deserved and it DAMN SURE doesn't warrant any validation on your part.
If I could make a wish for you and have it come true it would be that I would hear there came a day that you told her just where she could get off. I know you love her but she is obviously not who you thought she was. And at the end of THIS day, that woman is not worth the effort it would take you to spit.
I pray someone crosses your path and shows you your value in this world, independant of your children's mother.
Amy, your words were meant for NM but damn they ring so true right now. I wish I could send them to my STBXW.
NM, I'm in a similar situation and so are many others here so we understand what you're going through. We know its tough and we know sometimes its normal to want to feel worthless, we all have different ways of dealing with these things but remember how you feel right now has nothing to do with the reality. As others have said when the bullets started flying you stood your grounds, she's the one that fled, her actions are indeed a reflection of her character and not yours. While you'll feel that empty space for her for a while you WILL find someone else, someone that truly values you and as such deserves you. Hang in there bud!
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
NM, have you ever heard the expression..."carrying a resentment is like swallowing poison hoping the other person will die"? Don't turn the anger you feel at your wife onto yourself. Your wife was cruel and acted from what I believe to be a very sick and shameful place. Please don't give her any more power! Look yourself in the mirror every day and say "I love you exactly as you are". Do it everyday, even if you're embarassed (or worse, even if you don't believe it) and in time you will see the beauty and worthiness in you that your loved ones see.
DO NOT GIVE UP. Stay here and share what's happening so that you don't have to carry it all yourself. We know what your going through. We can love you until you can love yourself.
Hey, I don't post on other people's threads very often, but your message struck a cord. Please don't stay away. Who the hell wants to go through this &*^% alone!
Sincerely...
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
