I NEED SOME HELP!

[bambam1970]

Ok..my gut kept telling me that I should talk to the kids before H and I sat down with them. Their relationship w/him right now is so rocky and they just don't feel comfortable around him...maybe b/c he is an alien...not sure.

Anyway, I fought it until last night. I sat them all down and we talked and they asked if we were going to get a D and I told them yes. I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo guilty doing it w/o H especially b/c I think he should have done it and seen their reactions. BUT, I feel like it would have been worse for the kids b/c he would have been angry w/them for reacting the way they did. D8 sobbed and asked lots of questions. One twin was PISSED and wouldn't speak to me. The other was very very quiet. We talked for a few hours and things were fine. I explained why I told them w/o H and that I didn't want them to tell him that we had already had this talk before (eeeeekkkkkk). They understood b/c they wanted to be w/me all night and tonight they are going w/him overnight.

Ok...so S11 (12 this month) went downstairs and came back up w/a note and told me to read it alone. It said that he thinks H is having an affair b/c there is a bottle in cabinet above his bed w/condoms and that there are some missing and they found tampon wrappers in his trash can.

I told him that I was sorry he had to find all of that. He asked if it was true. I said "I don't know." I didn't know what to say to him. I am just soooooooooooooooooooo angry right now b/c this should never have happened to my innocent child! I am going to show H the letter today and I'm gonna have to have some choice words for him as far as what he is exposing our kids to!

Any suggestions?

[Jeanette1120]

Damn!!!!!

You kids do not deserve this!

You are the one primarily with your kids, if you felt it was easier for them to hear it from you first.....FINE! It's ok Bam...don't second guess it. It happened.

He will get the chance tonight to explain whats going on. I hope your son isn't too traumatized about his find.

I'm glad you followed your instinct and told them first. Don't think about it anylonger or worry if you did the right thing. You did. Please don't allow any spewage from your stbx on what happened. You did what you thought was right! Good for you!

Stand tall sweetie!

Jeanette

[HalfMissing]

Bam, I would not show H the letter. It is not as if he had his friend over when they were there. Your H did not intentionally expose your children to this. Your S11 is just smart enough to piece it together from the clues.

I think you should tell H that the kids had asked you about the D and that you told them the truth. He can't expect you to lie to them.

[bambam1970]

I think you should tell H that the kids had asked you about the D and that you told them the truth. He can't expect you to lie to them

Half, He SHOULDN'T expect me to lie. I am not going to say anything to him.

[Lissie]

ICK.

I have to do this too.

I am so sorry, YOu have babies, that should not even know the word, affair, divorce, condoms, bleh.

One suggestion:

I would not tell the kids, something, anything. And then say, don't tell dad.

It is too much pressure for the kids.

And I would never use the kids as messengers, I know you are not.

You did what you had to do.

Now times come for, your constant presence, and reassurance to them.


HUGS

[HalfMissing]

I think you should tell H that the kids had asked you about the D and that you told them the truth. He can't expect you to lie to them

Half, He SHOULDN'T expect me to lie. I am not going to say anything to him.

That was my point, Bam. What you did was right in answering their question truthfully. I just think that honesty is the best approach in case he does finds out you had to tell them. If you tell him the situation first with the kids asking, it should be clear that you did what you had to do.

[bambam1970]

I hate today.

[kissak]

Im sorry you are down today. This really is exhausting for all of us.

[HalfMissing]

Bam, don't worry. The day H told the kids was one of my hardest days too. There was such finality in it. S7 screamed and cried for an hour and H handled it terrible. "Stop that crying!" I could have killed him that day for hurting my babies so badly.

It will get better. You are handling this with such grace!

[bambam1970]

Well....it's done. I am so glad I talked to them last night. It was very smooth w/H. He said idiotic things as was expected. He told kids he loved me, but not the same way - ewwwww. They asked him when he would start dating and he said "I don't know." I wanted to say "Try about October of last year!!!". He told them it would be a long time....his pants must have been on fire!

I said nothing. I let him talk his way around everything. It was easier for him b/c the kids were prepared. That pisses me off, BUT it was easier for the kids b/c they had already had the emotional reactions w/me and they felt comfortable with that. Both the boys told me they were relieved that I told them last night.

The other twin told me that he knew what his brother and I talked about last night (i.e. condoms). He said he and his brother had talked about their dad having an affair. He told me that he was "kind of" ready for me to start dating b/c he missed having a man around like their dad used to be. Sigggghhhhh.

I said "I don't have to date to have guy friends that we can hang around with!"

So, that part is done. They went with H to spend the night. Not sure what I'll do. Right now, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. I'll jump up soon and start moving forward!

Hope all is well with everyone!