Know it is difficult ot be in the mood when you have heavy bleeding but it can be helped in ways other than hystorectomy nowadays.
If your W works in healthcare she should be able to get good advice on how to control this. Sometimes the mini pill is an option but depends if you have religious objections or worries about other health risks.
If she at least is now recognising that her LD is a problem she is part way there. Plus you finding ways to help her feel loved can only be a good thing.
Hope to hear a success story from you in the not too distant future.
Well, her results arrived this morning and she has the all-clear which is a huge relief. We've talked this morning and she's going to make a docs appointment ASAP to get her hormone levels checked out.
All of a sudden, it feels like the dam has just burst. And in a good way, too.
Thirdly, I have a bunch of personal and work goals I want to achieve in the next 12 months or so
Have you been verbalizing these and also engaging in actionable demonstations recently? (congruence) If so then that is going to have a lot more to do with her recent changes then the other stuff you think is causing it. You can have as many goals as you want but the primary ones are Health, Wealth, and R's. All goals are pretty much subcategories of these. IMExperience, you can only focus on 2 of these primary at a time. Its like the adage-- fast, cheap, and quality. Pick 2. When you see a person start focusing on a new goal, be assured, something is going to be less important.
See, my wife knows what I need Yep she sure does. Its irrelevant. Everyone does what they need for their own reasons. If her actions are changing, she is not doing it for you. Once you accept that, being selfish is no longer a dirty word. Once you accept that, good things come to you.
but she is *very* self conscious of the symptoms of what she does have - one of which is abnormal/heavy bleeding. And right now, this is preventing her from sex.
How do you react when she is self conscious?
I honestly thought that acts of service did it for her, but recently I've switched to pulling out all kinds of words of affirmation. I think it might be working LL are constantly changing. There is no final answer on what someone wants or needs. An excess of anything becomes unappreciated. If you have 5 tubes of toothpaste in the cabinet, do you worry about toothpaste? Do you try to extract every last drop of it when you get close to the bottom, or do you just chuck it and grab a new one? I think LL are easily misinterpreted and misapplied. A lot of people know QT is quality time, yet their actions demonstrate they are giving quantity time. Anyone who says QT/AOS/WOA/GG/ABCDEFG is a prerequisite to sex is FOS. full of shtuff. or ignorant. Which is better than stupid, cause ignorance is curable. LOL. If you attempt to use them to achieve a result, they will be seen as supplicating.
Mrs. Cac recently (as have many others) mentioned being horny around the time she ovulates and that all the other R stuff becomes insignificant. One thing I see men do is play into the fact that its OK for the woman to be horny based on her hormones, but allow the woman to dictate that its not OK for the man to be. [headscratch] It borders on emotional abuse, the tactics that women take to create that status quo. Your allowing someone else to dictate to you -YOUR FEELINGS.... WHY???? If you think you are an unfeeling brutish animal that needs to be trained and handled by the superiority of the emotion police-- then I understand. Ive found calmly stating "your feelings are not more important then mine" can quickly bring things back to a more even keel.
heading down to france.... must be a brit. Ive been wondering ever since I saw your screen name... Last time I surfed was on my honeymoon. If I never surf again, its O K . That morning, was that perfect. It was sunrise, flatasscalm outside the break, 5 foot tubes, 2 locals (robert frost- farmer with the greenthumb & jewelry maker, I remember you), a tigershark that gave us the onceover- twice, and a PI hottie in a white bikini hunting puka shells on the beach.
The reason I asked was to see if you were still getting out and about, and taking care of yourself.
You can have as many goals as you want but the primary ones are Health, Wealth, and R's. All goals are pretty much subcategories of these. IMExperience, you can only focus on 2 of these primary at a time. Its like the adage-- fast, cheap, and quality. Pick 2. When you see a person start focusing on a new goal, be assured, something is going to be less important.
I was wondering why I was so broke these days.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
no matter what the sich, desire is the key. My sister had serious cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy and cervical radiation. She has been seriously frustrated because sex is painful for her now but her desire for sex, as always, is very high. So, she told me that the other night she just pushed through the barrier and made the pain part of the experience and she said the sex ended up being red hot in a S&M pain mixed with pleasure kind of way.
AC, Mojo wasnt asking how you felt or thought about this. She was giving you important information. So, dont hold your breath waiting for it, just read it. Other women here, have mentioned having sex even when it hurts, often not telling their H's, because he freaks out about it. I have a great story about this one time when I got stung right on the underside of my Johnson- by a wasp, while sleeping. Horrible way to wake up. *scream* x insisted on examing for damage. Mr. Willy was so frighteningly swollen and mishapen, we had to make sure he still worked. excruciating pain before, and after the sex. The sex was great. made the pain go away. who knew?
You can have as many goals as you want but the primary ones are Health, Wealth, and R's. All goals are pretty much subcategories of these. IMExperience, you can only focus on 2 of these primary at a time. Its like the adage-- fast, cheap, and quality. Pick 2. When you see a person start focusing on a new goal, be assured, something is going to be less important.
Hmmm. That all fits. I'm definitely beginning to shift my time and headspace from the relationship to my business/work and my health. You're right - that's probably what she's noticing. And I'm doing it for three reasons:
1) Because I'm a bit tired (bored, maybe?) of thinking about the relationship all the time now. I think I need something new to focus on. 2) I know I need to step up my work efforts, regardless of what happens in the relationship - but especially IF I end up moving out and need to afford a place by myself that's large enough for me to have my kiddos with me at least half of the time. 3) I'm starting to feel like a bit of a chump being the one who tries to initiate almost *everything*. I'm starting to become embarrassed by it.
Having said that, last night in bed, she starts rubbing her feet up my legs and says something about being cold - which may, or may not, have been some kind of code for "please come over here and cuddle me". Who the hell knows these days, eh? Whereas 2 months ago, I'd have been there like a shot, last night I just agreed that "aye, it is pretty chilly", then rolled away and went to sleep.
I'm still trying to work out why that felt (and still does feel) good to me. Anyone?
Now, about the health/bleeding thing. She got the all clear about the big C, and I suggested that maybe the bleeding/heavy periods (and tiredness) were due to a hormonal imbalance triggered by having kids - which I'd read something about. So, I'm thinking... low testosterone, etc. She booked herself a blood test almost immediately, went off to have it done, and for some reason, the doc there assured her that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her in that respect and canceled her blood test. Ehm. Right. Anyway, he did refer her to a gynaecologist about the bleeding, so maybe the gynae will probe a little deeper into all this.
No pun intended, obviously. Heh.
So, basically, there's nothing wrong with her. Which is either a good thing, or a bad thing. A good thing because she now has no real excuse. And a bad thing because she could now be thinking something like "hmmm... there's nothing wrong with me - it's fine to just carry on like this. Yay. Etc."
Last week has been good. Kinda. She had some time off work and we had a 3 day break from the kids, which I'd arranged with my folks. One night we went out to a gig and ended up being fairly intimate in a club (and she actually promised me we'd have sex when we got home), but we ended up staying out too late, having a few too many shandies, and just crashed out as soon as we got back. I guess I should have picked her up by her hair and carried her home from the club right there and then, eh?
And then nothing in the morning either, because she was too hungover. Jeez.
But still, it's just the same old, same old. She's definitely affectionate - but she's only affectionate within her own levels of comfort. Which aren't quite the same as my levels of comfort. Only problem is, these are her *new* comfort levels, as before we had kids, we were much more closely matched - and things were good.
I think I need to shake things up again - but I need to be at the point (emotionally/financially/etc) where I'm able to follow through on anything I decide on.
But then, is it *really* fair of me to want her to move outside of her comfort levels? Am I being selfish? I can't force her to desire something she has no desire for.
Thing is, I really, really, really DON'T want to be sitting here having the same conversations with myself in 10 years' time. I'm only 34 for crying out loud.
Originally Posted By: blackfoot
heading down to france.... must be a brit.
Last time I surfed was on my honeymoon. If I never surf again, its O K . That morning, was that perfect.
The reason I asked was to see if you were still getting out and about, and taking care of yourself.
Yep, I'm getting out and about more than in a long time. Trying to bump up my fitness for the autumn/winter swells, getting some bike time in for an upcoming project to cycle down the coast of Uruguay next year (don't ask! heh).
That morning sounds good, though. Don't get many like that round here... My best session? About 10 years ago, maybe... home break... 3-4' glass nearly all day... just me and a mate and a couple of other guys out... stayed in the water for EIGHT (yep, EIGHT) hours straight.
Maybe she's just plain frightened for whatever reason and fear is a real desire killer. I know when sex was painful after my op I was so tense and though \I had the desire lets put it this way you know how the pain is when you have a piece of glass in your foot and if you step on it it shoots through you well every thrust was like that for me. Pretty difficult to want to repeat that experience but repeat it I did and then just couldn't face the pain any more. So I tried avoiding and just doing HJ/Bjs now and again. I'm way older than you at 55 and under no circumstances would I have let it go when I was in my 30's but decided that I wanted to do something about it myself. So I went to a consultant who said I needed to do stretching or have another operation as I had been stitched up too tight plus some scarring from op.
So I bought myself a vibrator and set to with a vengeance and am happy to say that I have zero pain and everything is going great guns except my H had developed ED. Happily that too is a thing of the past (so far).
Just wondering if you had considered buying your wife one and asking her to get comfortable on her own first before joining in. I honestly think for some women it is better to turn themselves on first after a long break. They canpace themselves and find out it is okay to be sexual again.
In fact I wouldn't ask her just get her one with some lubricant and tell her to have some fun one day while you watch the kids.
In fact I wouldn't ask her just get her one with some lubricant and tell her to have some fun one day while you watch the kids.
Ha. I really appreciate the suggestion (and I'd love having a woman I could buy that stuff for) but right now, my 99.999% accurate gut instinct tells me that it would only be viewed as me putting pressure on. Or worse.
To be honest, she even balked at the thought of me buying her underwear recently (she "wouldn't have time to wear it" or something. Eh?) so I guess a vibrator and some lube would just be taking things a step too far. Heh.
She's scared? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not even really sure about the body image issues any more - she can undress in front of me, she'll lie in the bath while we talk, she'll walk around the house completely naked, she'll kiss me before and after work, she'll put kisses on her text messages, she'll rest her legs across mine or cuddle up on the sofa every night, and she'll spoon in bed, but as soon as there's *any* hint or suggestion of intimate physical contact, up go the barriers.
I'm totally aware that I sound like a broken record here, and I apologise for that. I simply just don't know what the issues are here, and the harsh truth is that unless she steps up and decides to tell me herself, I'll probably never know.
But y'know what - life is definitely too short for this.
One thing I do have a problem with, though, is this (hypothetically, if it ever came to it, etc, etc): how would I explain to the kids when they're older that I walked for something like this? The last thing I ever want to do is hurt them, and I guess they're one of the big reasons why I'm still here...
I'm not saying that this will ever happen, but it's a possibility - and it's something I'd like to get straight in my own head, know what I mean?
You don't sound like a broken record you just sound like you've done everything you can think of to change the dynamics to improve your M and yet that one last piece is still missing.
The problem is that IT IS a very important piece for you and it is not okay for you to continue forever with that piece still missing.
I've got friends of all ages and some are very HD some are very LD some are ND but all of them have been prepared to have some form of SL. Even the ND one is prepared to give a HJ but that to me is pity sex and IMO is not what you are looking for here.
That said the fact that your W isn't even prepared to give anything to you means that your R while you think it is good is pretty one sided IMO.
So far none of her reasons hold much water. She doesn't sound to me like it is a body image problem if she lets you see her in the bath or walks around naked. I have way more body image problems and could never walk around naked mind you I do have 3 adult sons who would freak out LOL. Strangely I always sit and chat to my H when he is in the bath but I always lock the door when I'm in there myself. Hmmmm maybe I have some hang ups I need to work on myself. Point is I still enjoy sex even though I'm not keen on the saggy bits or stretch marks. So body image an excuse ....yes.
The heavy periods hmmmm how exactly do you know whether thats true? I mean she could tell you she is having a heavy period that lasts 2 wks but short of youchecking that could be an excuse. Fair enough giving her the benefit of the doubt and she is seeing a gyny doc there may be fibroids or something that causes it BUT again NOTHING to stop her giving you a HJ/BJ when she is having her period. NOTHING !!!! Except she does not see your needs as being important and that is what SHE has to change.
She doesn't like you bringing the subject up then tough. She is not going to be happy when you tell her you've had enough and walk out the door. She's controlling you by her rejection and thats probably why it felt good you being the one to turn away and not cuddle her even though she was sending out the signals that she wanted you to. Dangerous because once you start withdrawing yourself it really is the end in sight.
I know you don't want to rock the boat right now while you work on improving your finances so that you have the option of leaving. Do you think that if your W knew that you are prepared to walk anything would change or do you think she would just switch off even more? Bit of a catch 22 here.
You seem to sometimes be telling yourself that this is not a good enough reason to leave what is otherwise a good relationship. Don't buy that one because it is a very good reason and eventually resentment will colour all the good things I'm amazed it hasn't already.
You probably wouldn't tell the kids the truth as in you couldn't stay in a SSM any more. It would be more likely you would bend the truth by saying as much as you love their mum you just can't live together any more. You would tell them that you love them and will always be there for them. Depends how amicable it is.
Hope against hope someone else can come up with some ideas how you could change this. Just keep talking to her and trying to get her to be honest with you.
which may, or may not, have been some kind of code for "please come over here and cuddle me". Who the hell knows these days, eh? Whereas 2 months ago, I'd have been there like a shot, last night I just agreed that "aye, it is pretty chilly", then rolled away and went to sleep.
I think her feet were cold. In more ways then one. your comment 'being in there like a shot' is placating behavior. If I say to you, a woman wants to surrender, does that make sense to you? Do you know what it looks like? She cant surrender if you rescue her. For some reason they seem to think that asking directly for what they want is not as valuable as mind reading. The truth is, when a woman verbalizes what she wants, she is surrendering. Not only that she is talking. 2 of her favorite things. win win win for everybody. The real and main reason they (or anyone) doesnt verbalize what they want, is fear.
You felt good rejecting her, thats understandable, but you have a real chance right now, to stop the withdrawal dance. Have you read Dr. Harley? I hope you choose to get that under control. You dont have to 'be in there like a shot' you can remain where you are, and offer to her the opportunity to come and snuggle up for warmth. If you can warmly and gently or even playfully, get her to admit thats what she wants, even better.
You wont be able to do it, if you are afraid of rejection.
Many of her actions are showing that she is interested in getting things back on track. Again if you can have conversations where she admits this, so much the better. If you continue to punish her she will end up back in withdrawal. If your short on that 'loving feeling' another way to look at it is, Doing that is not in your best interest either.
One night we went out to a gig and ended up being fairly intimate in a club (and she actually promised me we'd have sex when we got home), but we ended up staying out too late, having a few too many shandies, and just crashed out as soon as we got back. I guess I should have picked her up by her hair and carried her home from the club right there and then, eh?
And then nothing in the morning either, because she was too hungover. Jeez.
Ok. This is your screw up. Here is why. I always monitor and control my womans alcohol intake. Usually its unnoticeable. Although I have done it blatantly obvious also, making them choose, me or more alcohol. Really effective. anyways.
Letting her get blitzed is NOT caring for her or cherishing her or protecting. That is why you do it. No you shouldnt have drug her off by the hair, as soon as she promised sex, the caveman thing is for when you want it. On your terms, when she doesnt even really think she wants it, not after she has allready thrown herself at you. Of course there was no sex during a hangover.
So, basically, there's nothing wrong with her. Which is either a good thing, or a bad thing. A good thing because she now has no real excuse. And a bad thing because she could now be thinking something like "hmmm... there's nothing wrong with me - it's fine to just carry on like this. Yay. Etc."
Her actions show that this is not what she is thinking. Stop assuming the negative. Even if it were, its counterproductive.
But then, is it *really* fair of me to want her to move outside of her comfort levels? Am I being selfish? I can't force her to desire something she has no desire for.
I want to bonk you on the head when I see that kind of talk.
The problem is, you arent being selfish enough. You are correct -you cannot force her to desire something she doesnt want. So you have nothing to worry about. If she goes along with it, you havent forced her.
So since you cant force her, offer it too her...that doesnt mean give it to her.... offer it too her and then be still and see what happens. If she didnt want to move outside of her comfort levels, with you, she wouldnt be there. If she doesnt want to she WILL leave. Are you afraid of her leaving, or are you afraid of her not wanting you. I think its the second. Whichever it is, your hesitancy and inaction look the same to her, for whatever reason it is.
Your self doubts are in your way. Not your wife.
Tell me about her comfort levels and how you react to them.
Eight hours. wow. whats the water temp there?
When are you going to Uruguay? A bike ride? Thats sounds awesome. Im intrigued. I have two major dreams left to accomplish. go diving in antartica before I am 40, and drive a MC from here to Chile. No hurry on that one.
[headscratch] It borders on emotional abuse, the tactics that women take to create that status quo.