I have recently read DR and it is my 1st time posting on here. There seem to be so many of you on these boards that have such great insight, advice, and strength and I hoping to be able to learn from all of you.
I am 30, H is 38. Married 7 yrs, together 10. No kids as of yet - were recently trying though. H told me on 6/16 that he is not sure if he wants to be married anymore - after coming home from a business trip. We have our share of problems and bickering - but overall I would say that we had a happy marriage and this came as a complete shock to me. He said he has been unhappy for years and just feels as though he does not know if he wants to continue being married. My initial reaction to everything he was saying was that I was so sorry that he felt that way, that I had no idea that he was unhappy and I that I want to do anything & everything to work on our marriage and make it stronger. He says he has tried to communicate this to me before and he is tired of trying. My point though is that while I knew that there were things in our marriage that he was unhappy about, things that bothered him, I never knew that he was unhappy or was ever having doubts about our marriage. His 2 biggest issues from what he has told me is that I don't pick up after myself and keep the house a mess and that I don't initiate sex. I have no arguments for those things and completely agree with him & see his points on them. I just never realized to what degree they were affecting him/us and want to do everything in my power to change them. I don't know how/why he would want to give up on a marriage for these things without first letting me know how serious he was about them or trying counseling first etc. After a couple weeks, I pushed him for an answer and he said he wanted a divorce (I know - mistake on my part) - but still - how could he even say those words?
I know, I know, all of you are thinking OW. Believe me, I have thought about it as well. I had even asked him about it and he kept telling me that there was no one and that this was about me & him. Then... On 7/18 I saw our cell phone bill online and it was ridiculously high!!! I saw that he had been talking extensively to someone at his work - she had also been on that business trip with him. I am not a jealous person by nature and he has girl"friends" that he talks to or hangs out with every once in a while and I am fine with it - BECAUSE he tells me about it. What bothered me most about this is I feel he kept it from me. He even tried to pay down the bill before I saw it so I maybe I wouldn't notice it was that high? It wasn't just a few calls here & there - it was conversations hours long, 1am in the morning, couple times a day etc... And if it were purely innocent - why wouldn't he just tell me that he has been talking to someone at work about our situation. Because I & he know that it was not purely innocent.
Well, I got so angry and felt so betrayed by him that I went to go see a lawyer for a consult, confronted him about it and told him that he doesn't have to be so indecisive anymore b/c I wanted a divorce! But... the next day I regretted it...
He admitted to what I labeled an EA, but swore to me that nothing else happened. I don't know if I will ever know for sure, but I am choosing to believe that right now. He was also so upset & angry like I have never seen him before in my life! If he had wanted out of this marriage - that would have been an easy route for him so why did he put up a fight?
I ended up apologizing to him for the way I reacted to it and just tried to explain to him how it made me feel. While I think it needed to be addressed, I told him that I know that I did not handle it in the best way. Since then I have been just trying to lay off and give him his space. No more initiating convs. about the R, no more initiating hugs, no calling, no emailing - and... I am dying!!
Which brings me to my current situation. He has mentioned that it has been suggested to him that we do a trial separation (he says as opposed to going straight to divorce) - but it has been weeks and he hasn't made any attempts to move out. We are still living in the same house (sep beds & baths) and one of us will cook dinner, we will eat in separate spaces. We let each other know if we are going to be out - but there is nothing more than that at this point. So my question is are we separated and just not verbalizing it? Keep in mind that I think all of our problems in our marriage fall on poor communication...
This past week has been more promising for me than most - but I am probably reading too into things that I shouldn't be. For instance this weekend he went out to go and get a new cell phone. I thought to myself, great - he is going out to get a new plan so he doesn't have to be on ours b/c he knows that I can see the #'s - but he ended up just getting a new phone and staying on our plan.
Also on Sun. night he actually asked me to go out and grab something to eat. And he talked - for the first time in weeks. I would not say that it was good conversation in the sense that I felt like he wanted to work on anything - he still says that he is unsure what he wants and he does not know why this is so difficult for him & he feels angry. He also said that he is going to contact someone for therapy - but I have heard through friends that he has been thinking/saying that for weeks and hasn't actioned on it (we did go to 1 MC session together in the beginning - did not go well!). I have been going consistently on my own.
Last night I went out to dinner w/people from work. I told him that and he was like "OK", then 2 minutes later he was like "who you going with?" Which lets me know that he still cares and that he would not like it if I was going out with guys (I just went out with 2 girlfriends).
I also had this book that I read "his needs/her needs" and I told him that it was really insightful and left it out for him to read and he actually took it with him and started to read it. Would he be doing that if he didn't want to work on the marriage?
If he knew he was done, wouldn't the 1st thing he would do be to move out?
I know that there is a chance for us to survive this and be even better than we were before - I just need to know what I can do best...
(I have been doing my best to GAL & 180 - house has been immaculate last 6 weeks!)
Any and all advice whether positive or negative is appreciated!!!
If he was done...he would be out the door and gone.
"he still says that he is unsure what he wants and he does not know why this is so difficult for him & he feels angry"
For myself I get angry when I am indecisive. He doesnt know what he wants, its frustrating.
For what its worth I think you are still in a pretty good place to salvage things. I wish that I knew how to tell you exactly how to do it, but I aint that smart. You got alot better chance at fixing things than alot of us here do, read the forums, learn from our mistakes. Be happy that you found all of this early on.
I'm sorry to hear that you are here, too. I'm a newbie like you, and have read DR, actually my W found it and nervously asked me to read chapter 1 after she found it online. We started reading together, taking turns, and then trying to talk about it. If you are sharing some reading like that, one suggestion I would make is don't force a conversation once you know your H has finished reading. Let's just say that I did and it left my W feeling more "squeezed"
Like you see in your own DR path, there have been many encouraging signs along the way, and I have done much to adjust my expectations. You are probably already familiar with "don't trust anything they say and half of what they do," and I am finding this is helping me not end up on the roller coaster ride with her.
There does sound like there is much hope in your sitch. Savor that but be patient above all else.
Good luck, keep reading and sharing.
Me 40 W 38 S 4 M 7.75 ILYBNILWY 6/8/07 "do not want to be your W" 6/16/07 DB'ing 6/30/07
1st M 6 yrs; she was my first WAW
first thread [url=link] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1149309&page=5#Post1149309 [/url]
Thanks for your comments. I have read the don't believe what you hear, 1/2 of what you see and I think there is alot of truth to that. I have to keep better focus on that. I sometimes find myself not believing the bad - but choosing to believe the good
I am just trying to make sure to acknowledge and be aware of my faults and try to improve myself. Hoping that he will be there to see it! If not, I know it is going to hurt like hell, but the GAL is definately helping to prepare me to be OK without him. I am trying to keep faith that I chose this person to marry because we had an undeniable connection and we believed that it would be forever and that we would work through whatever problems arise.
It is so easy to just believe the good; thinking that has burned me already. When you start doing the helpful "more of the same" behavior, you can expect some cynicism from WAS. And that form of giving really needs to come from a place where it is given without expecting anything in return. Expecting reciprocity now can only lead to frustration or worse because your partner is not operating from the same mindset.
I know what you mean about thinking you have an undeniable connection.
Keep the PMA, your H won't get his back without yours being the beacon to bring him home.
Me 40 W 38 S 4 M 7.75 ILYBNILWY 6/8/07 "do not want to be your W" 6/16/07 DB'ing 6/30/07
1st M 6 yrs; she was my first WAW
first thread [url=link] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1149309&page=5#Post1149309 [/url]
Yup - definately got the cynicism! He commented on the clean house saying "what, you think b/c the house is clean now that is going to solve our problems". Me = "No, of course I don't think that, but knowing now how much impact it had to you and our relationship, how could I not clean it now? I know you feel right now that you can't work on anything, but in the meantime, I need to do what I can do to work on the things that were wrong and make positive changes".
I have tried so hard and I think I have done a decent job of being non-judgemental, listening to what he says and being accepting of my faults and not being defensive about them. So far I have gotten nothing in return, but I am OK with that for now - I don't know how much longer - but for now I can suck it up and deal with it and work on my patience.
It is important for me to show him through this process that I am strong, but loving and truly sorry for any actions that I did that frustrated and/or hurt him. That I will not say mean things to him (as he has said some hurtful things to me), that I will not badmouth him to our friends/family, that I will be respectful of his need for space. That I remain true to myself and to us & try not to play any mind games. That way, if he does decide that he wants to leave, I will know that I did the best that I could and he will always have to have respect for that.
I was met with some cynicism yesterday. After saying some things that made her feel "squeezed" I actually made an appointment for a pedicure for her. I had to call her colleague to find out the salon she goes to where my W almost had a pedi done before and let my W find the appointment card in a stack of dinner dishes. I had actually thought of getting her the appointment a few weeks ago, right before her appointment fell through. Anyway, when she asked me about the card she found, she said she was surprised that I would do it after our conversation in the morning and why did I do it? I thought this showed the lack of trust, as if I was doing it out of guilt as a form of groveling. So, instead of saying I felt guilty and wanted to make up for it, I told her that I knew she wasn't going to make the appointment for herself, and I had time to do it. She looked shocked and then walked towards me and gave me a sincere hug and kiss.
Me 40 W 38 S 4 M 7.75 ILYBNILWY 6/8/07 "do not want to be your W" 6/16/07 DB'ing 6/30/07
1st M 6 yrs; she was my first WAW
first thread [url=link] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1149309&page=5#Post1149309 [/url]
He didn't really respond to my comment. That is what I have been getting alot of this past month. Me talking to him telling him how I feel and him being non-responsive. So that is why I have started to lay off and just listen if he wants to talk - but not really initiating any conversations about the R.
He has mentioned at another time that he feels my efforts now are "fake". Which hurt me a great deal - but I try to let it roll off knowing that he is full of feelings of resentment & anger. He should know me better than that anyway - I have my share of faults, but that is something that I am definately not. I am the most honest person he probably will ever know & I would never do something just for "show" purposes - especially towards him.
Wow - making her a pedicure appt was awesome and it looks like she really appreciated it. I know I would if my H ever did anything like that for me. I would kill for a hug & a kiss!!! Good for you!
I was feeling so strong yesterday, but last night and today have been hard for me. H called yesterday to say he was going out for happy hour after work, but he didn't get home until 2am. He is not wearing his wedding ring and he is a VERY attractive guy. Normally I wouldn't have these doubts, but I just don't know where his head is at with us.
If he was talking to a girl and she asked for his number - would he give it out? Would he say that he is married?
The fact that he is my H and I don't know the answers to those questions scares the sh*t out of me!
Last weekend he mentioned that he was going to contact a therapist. Should I ask him about it? Like when he is going and if he has gone how it went? He has on occasion asked me about my therapy sessions...
