DGM - detaching, GALing, moving on...

[JMC]

This is day 9 of no snooping, and it is getting easier every day, although there are times when I really have to call upon all my strength to not look into her email account (I have found a way to get into her work email - we have been separated for 5+ months).

I continue to want to believe in a reconcilliation, and feel that she is in the replay mode of MLC. We talk mainly about money (i.e., storage facility bill) and our D, but she asks what I did over the weekend and has asked if I would be interested in dinner and lunch. I say sure, give me a call.

I sometimes so want to go off just to let her know that I realize she still sees OM at least once a week (in this case she is the OW, as the guy evidently has a serious girlfriend), but I know that she is in MLC and that would not get me anywhere anyway as I came upon the info from snooping in her home computer (I babysat the cats one weekend and was able to guess the password to her home computer) and cell phone records.

I am going to my first divorce care meeting tonight and look forward to what I may gain from there. Anyway, I have had some random posts, but this is my new motto DGM, as the title implies, because after reading so much here and in DR and other books, I have come to realize that all I can do is lovingly detach, GAL, and move on. Thanks everyone for being there on this BB.

[JMC]

I have other questions.

Do you think our spouses lose repsect for us if they know that we are aware of their infidelity and still want them back?

If my WAW does invite me to dinner/lunch, would accepting be going against the rule of establishing boundaries..in other words, should I say 'I do not want to be just another one of your dates'? (in the past my WAW and I have been intimate on numerous occassions, but not since we sould our home a month ago, and I did not get full confirmation of the OM until recently, although I had my suspicions).

Has anyone here in the past been the WAS? How do you think the WAS feels?

[JMC]

I guess this is an attempt at journaling online (I have begun a written journal as well). Incredibly down. I have been dark for 12 days and broke my no-snoop streak of three weeks only to find she has been communicating with the guy she met on her girl’s weekend in July. He evidently is in Afghanistan and they have essentially been emailing Penthouse Forum letters to each other and she has sent him numerous nude photos of herself to him, to which he writes back how he 'enjoyed' himself to them.

I am just crushed. She evidently had sex with him in the back of some stranger’s pickup bed. This is no way near anything like the woman I married and enjoyed a 'mostly' great relationship with for 13 years.

I have been crying randomly for about a week now (after six months separation). I am going to see a counselor this week and hope to meet with a priest as well.

I still just can not get over the fact that this is happening, and besides all of this I still hold out hope that our marriage can survive. I read all the success stories; otherwise I am sure I would give up hope. However, I wonder if I am being naive and should just throw in the towel? She has still talked about going to dinner/lunch, but not since late July.

I have been getting a life. Since the bomb drop I have attended mass regularly, begun working out more regularly, and trying to keep busy.

She has still talked about going to dinner/lunch, but not since late July. I am wondering if I should file for divorce. I had always wanted to wait for her to file so she can actively go through the process.

Any thoughts? I would appreciate any prayers as well. Thank you all.

[Rollercoasterider]

I still hold out hope that our marriage can survive.
...I am wondering if I should file for divorce.

Huh? Those don't go together. In fact, I believe you know the answer to the latter statement.

Why would a person do something they don't want.

Oh, I know there are SOME valid answers...no $ for kids...that doesn't apply here.

they have essentially been emailing Penthouse Forum letters to each other and she has sent him numerous nude photos of herself to him, to which he writes back how he 'enjoyed' himself to them.
...She evidently had sex with him in the back of some stranger’s pickup bed.

And is this sane behaviour to you?

Do you think our spouses lose repsect for us if they know that we are aware of their infidelity and still want them back?

Your wife has no Self-respect. She can have NO respect for ANYONE until she finds it for her Self.

My step-mother didn't respect my Stand for me marriage. Know what...I didn't care. What was I supposed to do, divorce and thus sacrifcie my Self-respect so she could respect me...sounds twisted to me.

So find your own Self-respect. She may use a lack of respect for you as an excuse...and usually that is all it is. Unless you are waiting for her to come home and pining over her out of desperation and neediness. If you are respectable and strong emotionally/mentally, she will have respect for you once she finds her Self-respect.

She has still talked about going to dinner/lunch, but not since late July.

So what should you do...go or not?

Sure, go to lunch with her if you would like. BUT understand she is sick and broken...and no matter how well she fakes it, she is still sick and broken...so she's not ready to come home if she tries to pull that card. Right now, IF she INITIATES CONTACT be her friend...but wait for her to make the first move.

HUGS,
RCR

[JMC]

Thanks RCR, I appreciate your comments. Sometimes it is good to hear what others think.

Your wife has no Self-respect. She can have NO respect for ANYONE until she finds it for her Self.

Great point. I have told others that she is a great woman making great mistakes.

Although I do not want to file and I do hope for a reconciliation, my gut tells me that is not going to happen. My father is concerned about her getting any inheritance should both of my parents die (there is not a lot of $ and I have three siblings, but both of my parents are not in the best of health).

Thanks again for your comments! As I may have mentioned, today represents the 6 mo anniversary of her moving out. I am very down about it.

[JMC]

Just need to update and vent. Went to an attorney's office yesterday to initiate the filing process. After seeing the Penthouse Forum emails including nude and provocative photos from my W to the soldier in the mideast who she met last month and did in the bed of a stranger's pickup truck, I thought to myself 'enough is enough - I can't take this any more'.

After telling this story (in addition to the one that she is the OW with another man who has a serious girlfriend, and uses yet another man's first name as the password to her corporate email) to the attorney, he put down his pen and said "WOW!! - Have you suggested psychiatric counseling of any kind?" This man is 66 years old and has been practicing family law for decades. His having that kind of reaction only confirmed what RCR responded above, and gave me confidence that 'hey, this really is not ALL my fault'.

Anyway, I am going through with the legal adoption of my daughter by marriage (might take 3-4 weeks) and then begin the process to end our marriage.

I still hope and pray that my W comes to her senses, but I am begining to realize that most likely will not happen.

I called her last night on my way to a Divorce Care meeting just to let her know what I was doing regarding our daughter. While she and my daughter both know and approve of this process, I had not initiated anything legally to this poing. I called my stbx because I did not want her to initiate the divorce process before the adoption was final. We had a decent 5-10 minute conversation during which she asked me if I would want to meet for a drink sometime. I hesitated, but said 'ok', to which she replied 'is that alright', I responded 'sure, call me'.

I love talking with her and wish we could be together and improve upon things, but have a difficult time with her choices right now. I realize that I have to get on with my life.

By the way, at that Divorce Care meeting, I was by far, at 45 yrs old, the youngest person in the room. This is the second time at two different venues where this has occurred. Although I respect the views and experience of those older than me, it was somewhat depressing upon leaving. I was thinking to myself 'am I the only 45 year old soon-to-be divorced guy having problems with this?'

[Lissie]

Anyway, I am going through with the legal adoption of my daughter by marriage (might take 3-4 weeks) and then begin the process to end our marriage.

you rock.