I may have gone against DBing, but like you said, I will not be torturing myself about not saying things I wanted to say. I am going dark. I don't care anymore about putting on a happy face when I am not happy. If she can make this decision to leave and move out without having a job shows me she is not thinking clearly. If some OM has her head filled up with how things should be, then so be it. Let her see how someone else will treat her.
That took a lot of courage - how are you doing? Did she have any response?
I had a thread locked, WOW. That's the first time ever.
I am doing well. She had no response that night. The next day I decided to go into the office for the first time since, I believe, April. She took that as me being mad at her and needing to get away. Then today, she asked me to go to the store and get the kids something. I said I don't feel like going. A total 180 because I would usually jump and go. She said just because I am mad at her i don't have to take it out on the kids. I said I am not mad at you. We left it at that. I have to rethink my strategy of going dark. That seems to make her not talk to me. I also have to figure out how to tell her she can't be asking me to do things for her. Those things come with the benefit of being with me. Since she is leaving, I am no longer obligated to do them. Fine line. It gives me a false hope that she still needs me.
She has three job interviews in the next three days. In some ways I hope they go well. Because she stopped working, we got behind on the bills. And then, if she gets the job, it will not be long before she will be moving out. Fine line. So, that's where I am today.
My daily guide to victory book for today said "Don't Serve The Problem". Meaning, you can't win a victory as long as the problem is the biggest thing in your life. All I think about is what i am going through and try to fix it myself. I can't fix it. It's not up to me. And as long as i worry about it, I can't get better. Not saying i will not have bad days, just i will not try to let this control me any longer.
Glad you're doing okay. You sound very grounded and strong in spite of it being such a murky time. Hang in there.
I like the "don't serve the problem" philosophy. Like the "what you think about, expands" school of thought. It's a hard habit to break, worrying and fixing and trying to control outcomes, but with practice, it gets easier, or so I'm told...
I came across this thought for the day, myself: "I can't control other people's thoughts or feelings."
What a liberating concept :)!! I'm definitely chewing on that one for a while.
Last night the W was supposedly out with friends eating. I thought I was okay and didn't want to worry about it. But as time went on, I became to suspect she was out with some OM. When she got home, she didn't speak to me, she just went and took a shower. After she got out the shower, she still didn't speak to me. Which was weird because she had at least been talking to me as of late. Now, I became suspicious earlier in the week because she had shaved down there and she doesn't usually do that. Well, after a while of her not saying anything to me and just going to get in the bed, i just went in the room and asked her if she slept with OM. She said no. I asked if she had been with him, she said no.
I then asked where were her underwear. I ASKED FOR HER PANTIES PEOPLE. I can't believe I went so far as to ask her for her panties. But here is the kicker, she couldn't find them. I asked her to help ease my mind and show me her panties. She couldn't. I started begging and pleading for her to find them. She couldn't. She saw how upset I was getting. I thought I was going to go insane so I had to leave the house. I left the house for a little while to try to gather my thoughts.
She is asleep right now. I haven't been able to sleep. I don't know what is supposed to happen when she wakes up. I really wish she would leave and go somewhere. I don't think we can be around each other today.
Instead of acting As If, I went into some serious anti-DBing. I know I have done detrimental harm to my hopes of restoring my marriage. I don't know how to recover from asking my wife for her panties. I don't know what the conversation is going to be today. or even if there is going to be any conversation. I just feel numb right now.
Go figure. After I had the blowup, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. When I woke up Thursday morning I decided I was going to the lawyer to get an official separation agreement. Before I could leave the house, the W said she wanted to talk. I was about to say I have nothing to talk about, but I just decided not to say anything and listen to her.
She said she didn't know if she wanted a D, she just wanted to separate because she needs to get herself together without the pressure of me wondering when it was going to happen. I wanted to speak, but DR says to listen. She went on to say that she goes back and forth about wanting to leave. She said it would be easier on her emotionally if she left, but financially it doesn't make sense if we are going to be together in the future. It would just be a waste of money. I didn't offer anything. Actually, I didn't have anything to offer. I was content just listening to her speak.
She then went on to the sex. And how it hurt whenever we did it. At first it hurt physically, and then after awhile, it became too emotional for her. She would be afraid of it hurting, so she couldn't get into it emotionally. I listened. She said a whole bunch of other things. She has always felt it was me against her. That we were in a competition. From little things like getting the kids to school on time, to big things like buying our house. She didn't want this one. I thought she picked it out, but it was eleven years ago. My memory could be slipping.
She said she didn't have a plan. She just wants to continue her therapy and get herself better. Then she would be able to think about us. She also said I need to continue my therapy and get better myself. There is no timetable for this she wanted me to know. She also wanted me to know that there can be no sex until after she has dealt with her other issues. I don't think I am concerned with that. I have therapy for that.
Oh yeah, she still hasn't produced the panties form the other night. I am not asking again. I just know in my mind that the OM has them. And as long as she can't produce them, that's thought I will live with.
She said she didn't know if she wanted a D, she just wanted to separate because she needs to get herself together without the pressure of me wondering when it was going to happen. I wanted to speak, but DR says to listen. She went on to say that she goes back and forth about wanting to leave. She said it would be easier on her emotionally if she left, but financially it doesn't make sense if we are going to be together in the future. It would just be a waste of money. I didn't offer anything. Actually, I didn't have anything to offer. I was content just listening to her speak.
I don't know your whole situation, but she is on the fence it sounds like, don't push or pull in any way. She is thinking about two of you, and anyone here would love for their spouse to do that.
Originally Posted By: No_LRT_Yet
She said she didn't have a plan. She just wants to continue her therapy and get herself better. Then she would be able to think about us.
Once again that is a very positive sign, small but positive. She is right, unless she can find/get herself better, it is hard for to even think about the two of you.
Originally Posted By: No_LRT_Yet
Oh yeah, she still hasn't produced the panties form the other night. I am not asking again. I just know in my mind that the OM has them. And as long as she can't produce them, that's thought I will live with.
If that is not a deal breaker for you, just let it drop. What is their to prove at the moment. If she did do something and tells you, you will probably blow up on her. If she didn't she has nothing to say which also gets you thinking and upset. So let it drop if you can.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
LRT She's talking to you and she's thinking. Sounds like that's all she can offer to you right now, but that's huge.
Quote:
She said she didn't have a plan. She just wants to continue her therapy and get herself better. Then she would be able to think about us. She also said I need to continue my therapy and get better myself. There is no timetable for this she wanted me to know.
Sounds like a sliver of light to me Only time will tell what it illuminates. But I think all light is good, ultimately.
