I'm more a lurker than a poster but believe my sitch is most likely MLC. H left abruptly upon my return from Disneyland on Nov 8 '06. Full steam ahead into another relationship with a co-worker within days of leaving. Pressured for immediate D and settlement. D cannot occur in our province unless 1 of 3 things: 1.) one year separation 2.) admission/proof of adultery 3.) proof of mental cruelty
Signed a separation agreement early May. I've bought him out of our house with my parents (bless them). The paperwork is being finalized but the money has changed hands. He's more or less "free". I have been in therapy all this time. My emotions have been tangled. I've been 'standing' for my marriage and am not giving up that God can rebuild what has been torn down.
In early June I had an emotional meltdown and reacted by asking (in an e-mail) for him to sign an affidavit of adultery to hasten the end of the marriage rather than wait for the year of separation (another 6 months). He did not react well (surprise?). At the end of the exchange he said if I signed a spouses' waiver against his pension - releasing me from any pre-retirement survivor benefits and signed the release to cancel the house insurance he is still paying and give him a disputed $500 that he may think about giving me a D! In addition to this, he slammed me for a comment I made indicating I wanted to move on with my life but didn't want to start dating anyone until after I was divorced. He used a statement I made when he left against me saying "six months ago I was the man for you, if you're so in touch with your feelings how could you make such a big mistake?" I was dumbfounded at this. He was the one who left and he's been demanding I move on with my life. Now that I indicate that's what I'm doing, he slams me for stating my commitment to him.
I did not respond and have had no contact with him since that date even over his birthday in early July. Until we ran into each other in the grocery store on July 25th. He did not avoid me as he has been doing. He instead stood behind me while I was at the deli counter and when I turned around he said 'Hi'. I smiled, said hi, chit-chatted briefly (less than 5 min) about him just moving and trivial things. He was pleasant, looking me in the eye (goals I had back in December) and no conversation about anything to do with the last e-mail or otherwise.
Today, in the mail I received the waiver form and house insurance cancelation to sign with a note asking me to sign and return to him; that he would really appreciate it. I have a couple of questions I would like to ask him and would like input from you good folks on what my response might be. I have been praying daily for my H to have his heart softened first of all towards the Lord and then towards me if that is the Lords will. This past week in particular I've sensed that the Lord is telling me he will return and to continue to trust Him. This morning when I woke, I knew I had been dreaming of H. Everytime (in my dreams) that it came to the point of speaking with H I awoke and the exchange was not complete. I'm not clear yet on what that means if anything but do believe that the Lord uses our dreams to guide us.
I would like to know from H why this pre-retirement survivor benefit waiver is so important. It implies to me that he's concerned he may not live to retirement age. He does have a chronic illness but it is not life threatening at this point (as far as I know). And the separation agreement we have has taken care of any future claim either of us might have on each other. So it seems a moot point to me.
Secondly, the insurance cancelation cannot be signed (I spoke with the insurance company a couple of months ago when H first asked me to sign this) until the assumption of the mortgage with my parents has taken place. This is happening but has been slow due to some missing documents that the mortgage company now has.
My thought is to contact him maybe over this coming weekend and discuss signing these documents in exchange for him signing the affidavit of adultery document. But, if that is my pride/ego wanting to manouver things, I don't want to go against what God may have in mind. The other thought is to contact him, discuss the reasons I've outlined as to the validity of signing and see where it goes from there.
At this point, I have no idea if he is still dating the co-worker though he did recently move within 5 blocks of her house which is also within a couple of blocks of where we all work. Having not had any contact with him to speak of, I have no idea where he is at in terms of 'us'. I do know he was at mutual friends' place last weekend for dinner and told them that he didn't take the decision to leave me lightly. Though he hadn't given me ANY indication that he was unhappy until returning from a business trip in October. Within 10 days, he was gone. Sorry for the long post. What should I do?
He didn't take leaving you lightly? Ha! More MLC garbage, especially if he didn't bother trying to communicate any unhappy feelings to you, or try working on any marital issues. He is just trying to justify his actions to your friends, and trying to come out looking like a good guy, which he is not at this point.
You don't say how long you've been married, or if you have any children. These things would affect how you should/could proceed. I would agree with JAK, and not sign anything until it's been checked over by your L. Also, don't proceed with the D, unless it's something you really want. I also wouldn't sign anything away that you are entitled to under the law, or if it will cost too much in legal fees to fight for it. Be careful ... MLCers will come across as nice to get something out of you.
Of course, this is assuming he is in MLC.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I've been 'standing' for my marriage and am not giving up that God can rebuild what has been torn down. ...In early June I had an emotional meltdown and reacted by asking (in an e-mail) for him to sign an affidavit of adultery to hasten the end of the marriage rather than wait for the year of separation (another 6 months).
This happens. You were reacting to your pain.
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My thought is to contact him maybe over this coming weekend and discuss signing these documents in exchange for him signing the affidavit of adultery document.
It sounded as though you regretted asking him to do this in June. What are your reasons now? Is this what you want? If not, don't do it. It's not what he wants...
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...he slammed me for a comment I made indicating I wanted to move on with my life but didn't want to start dating anyone until after I was divorced. He used a statement I made when he left against me saying "six months ago I was the man for you, if you're so in touch with your feelings how could you make such a big mistake?"
To him, you are being a hypocrit. And yes, he probably wants to eat cake. MLCers want to go live their fantasy and have the LBS waiting when they are done. To him, you didn't keep your end of the bargain.
If you are Standing, I recommend you not be so open with him about it. He thinks your just waiting around for him...and thus he is less motivated to stop the fantasy since you'll always be there. And eventually, he may need reassurance that you are Standing, but MLCers need to fear they have lost us. We need tolet-go completely...and truly. This is when they can START looking back at us.
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I would like to know from H why this pre-retirement survivor benefit waiver is so important.
You would LIKE to know. I'd like to know a lot things that I do not NEED to know. Is this something you NEED to know?
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This past week in particular I've sensed that the Lord is telling me he will return and to continue to trust Him. This morning when I woke, I knew I had been dreaming of H. Everytime (in my dreams) that it came to the point of speaking with H I awoke and the exchange was not complete. I'm not clear yet on what that means if anything but do believe that the Lord uses our dreams to guide us. ...What should I do?
What would you advise someone else to do...someone who says they are Standing for their marriage. Think about that.
You feel God has sent you a reassurance message that your MLCer will return. I had a KNOWING too. Trust it. You did not say that God gave you a timeline for this...keep in mind that MLC lasts 2-7 years. You have been standing for you marriage and "not giving up that God can rebuild what has been torn down."
Thanks everyone. I was away all day GAL - a new hobby - acting. I was on a movie set as an extra for the first time. I loved it!
I appreciate your comments. RCR, it hadn't dawned on me that H thought me a hypocrite for asking for a D after stating that he was the one for me. I really thought that asking for the D was taking the fear of it happening to me and turning it into something that he would now know did not scare me. Your insight is powerful.
I do not want a D. However, I believe if this isn't MLC there are other mental health/addictions going. But the abruptness of the way he ran away, the quickness of the PA after what I can only guess was a lengthy EA all seems to point to MLC. And the spew! It's been painful to hear the things that have come out of his mouth directed at me the one he not long ago "cherished and adored". It's done a number on my psyhche as you all can imagine and understand. I gave his opinion way too much respect to the point that I actually have struggled to believe other than what he has said. But I am rebuilding MY life thank God for it. The massive support of my friends and family and therapist have been so helpful but it's only because of my renewed relationship with Him that I am anywhere near healing. I will talk to my therapist about what action (if any) I need to take.
BM - This relationship is 8 years old. We've been living together for 6 years married for 4 of those. This is my second marriage, my H's first. We were both 37 when we married. Old enough to 'know'. And we were on the same page, for a long time we were. I know that in my heart because I lived it. If he believes otherwise now, it is what he has told himself in order to live with his deceit and betrayal. It doesn't hurt any less knowing this. It saddens me to know that he doesn't want to think there was any good or any love on his part for the past eight years. But I have to ask myself (believe me, I've done much speaking to myself these last several months) if he tells me know that he's been lying for eight years, why is it I should believe him? He could be lying just as easily now and if I didn't know it then, how would I know now?
We have no children together (thank God) but I do have two adult children from my first marriage and two grandchildren (each of my children has a child). And my daughter has been challenging and a stressful situation on our R. We had her son live with us for a few months early '06 and that really put stress on our R. But we talked about things and we worked through things. So I thought...it was never revealed to me that he wasn't committed to our R. The stresses were never things we didn't tackle as a couple.
This co-worker he began dating - he told me when he "finally asked her out" (just days after he left) that she didn't want to get involved with a co-worker. It speaks to her character if that was her only concern. What about the fact that he's someone elses H! And she knew that, she knows me. She knew we were together just weeks before. But ultimately, he was the one who stepped out of the M. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. He was looking for an escape route. Cowardly unwilling to address conflict with me. Thinking that a happy relationship is where people are compatible and don't have struggles. I don't even have that kind of relationship with myself!
And you're right about him being nice. I've rethought the interaction at the grocery store. At the time I thought he was being pleasant and he didn't need anything else from me. I didn't realise this waiver was such a big deal to him. He's brought it up three times since May and I really don't believe it's an issue.
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It sounded as though you regretted asking him to do this in June. What are your reasons now? Is this what you want? If not, don't do it. It's not what he wants...
You're right. It's not what I want. The point was to let him know that the law states and I believe that he is committing adultery. He didn't deny it, instead, he came back at me with the statement that I'm not accepting the real reason he left our marriage - that he doesn't love me and felt I manipulated and controlled him. Totally off topic as it doesn't really matter at this point. But he seems to be adamant that unless I agree with why he says he left, then I'm not accepting it. How controlling is that?
Thanks you guys. I've got a never ending supply of thoughts and questions. I'm sure I'm not alone. And you're right - I don't NEED to know unless there is something terminally ill going on. That's what I'm not sure of. That might explain his intention to have me sign this waiver. It might even be a reason he left. But he's not telling me in an outright way and I can't read his mind. He's accused me of not doing that too! Told me if I'm so intuitive, how did I not know how unhappy he was. Everything is my fault
You feel God has sent you a reassurance message that your MLCer will return. I had a KNOWING too. Trust it. You did not say that God gave you a timeline for this...keep in mind that MLC lasts 2-7 years. You have been standing for you marriage and "not giving up that God can rebuild what has been torn down."
What would you advise?
I would advise to keep trusting the only One who has proven Himself trustworthy. Amen?
It's funny, but I have discovered that more men expect us women to read their minds, than women expect men. I always thought it a generally female expectation, but I have been proven wrong so many times lately (I do hate to generalize, but I do think men are less likely to verbalize their feelings than women, and so, do expect us to just guess - makes more sense). My H also expected me to read his mind, and just know how he is feeling, whereas I communicate in words what I am feeling (and he still had the gall to say he can't read my mind ... never expected him to, 'cause I was telling him). Ugh! Anyway, that's just an observation, and certainly not scientific stats.
Good for you with the GAL activity. My D26 was an extra in some ad back in our country of birth, and she loved the experience. Hope you have more of those kinds of jobs.
In the end, we have to learn to define who we are, ourselves, and not let anyone else try and change that, or twist it, or try and rewrite our histories. Never doubt yourself!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
it hadn't dawned on me that H thought me a hypocrite for asking for a D after stating that he was the one for me. I really thought that asking for the D was taking the fear of it happening to me and turning it into something that he would now know did not scare me. Your insight is powerful.
Showing no fear isn't initiating something you don't wabnt...that actions is making no sense. Showing no fear is responding when he threatens to file...with a shouylder shrug, fine, whatever, go right ahead...okay, I know how to contest that...
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He didn't deny it, instead, he came back at me with the statement that I'm not accepting the real reason he left our marriage - that he doesn't love me and felt I manipulated and controlled him. Totally off topic as it doesn't really matter at this point. But he seems to be adamant that unless I agree with why he says he left, then I'm not accepting it. How controlling is that?
Well, though validation is imporant for MLCers, I also believe in throwing a projection back. Sometimes their words don't make it so easy...but this one is... So you want to control how I file so that I say how I was controlling? So you think it logical to control how I file by... Follow with or state alone...Sorry, I won't agree to a lie.
OR I'm sorry you feel I was controlling, but I would be lieing if I agreed with that, and I won't agree to a lie.
A validation and returned projection.
If you don't want a divorce, sign nothing and agree to nothing that will help the process along...unless it seems likley that a divorce willgo through and it will harm you in the long run...like he gets 100% if everything!
You are right RCR - I shouldn't have faced my fear by asking for something I don't want. It DOESN'T make any sense. But I can't say I've been completely logical in this upturned condition. Just an example of it I guess.
I know that standing is not easy and not on my timeline. And the detaching? I'm getting it, more every day.
I've sent the form H wants me to sign to my lawyer for his feedback. I won't do anything until I hear from him. In my interactions with H the primary thing that I've been frustrated with is how my 'emotional memory' is still going against my logical reasoning when it comes to a response. I know and H must know that he can manipulate me as he has done it so well in the past. The one place he knows how to get to me is when he plays the victim. It takes great effort not to want to help him. But has he helped me? NO!
I am getting stronger every day. And people all around me have seen a positive improvement in my well-being recently. Given the circumstances, I am doing quite well. Actually enjoying the opportunity to 'be' on my own. Pursuing my interests and making lots of new friends.
The word for the day is GRATITUDE. Gratitude for how this is changing me into the person I'm meant to be. With or without my I will be just fine. When I've stumbled is when I leave the Lord out of my life.
