I have been lurking for the past three weeks and following everyones stories and am finally ready to post my story and get some help. I am on the fence of db'ing or not. So far been doing it, although not perfect, so any help will be appreciated.
M-34 H-35 S-12 S-10 D-5 S-15 months and a foster S-14
H and I have been together for over 12 1/2 years, we met and a few months later I was pregnant with my first son, we did not get married until 2000 after the first two boys were born, mostly because of me. We have never had a super great relationship, but it was not awful. H has always had a problem with drinking, not enough to call him an alcoholic but enough for both of us to be concerned. He keeps it to night only and just basically drinks and goes to bed. This has been a big issue in our M for a long time.
Ok my story, I will keep it short and sweet (I will try)
July 06 I found an instant message that he had with someone that was not sexual, but you could tell there was sexual tension and they were discussing when they would, etc. I did some snooping and found out it was a co-worker. We all work at the same place. This is the same co-worker I knew he was texting but was told that they are just all friends, they are both supervisors. I even told him I was not concerned. Dummy me, huh? I confronted him, he did not deny, we went back and forth and decided to work on the relationship. I did everything I thought he wanted, more attention, less yelling (i tend to be a type a stressed out person), everything he always complained about I did a 180 and this was before I even read about DB'ing. He never stopped talking to her, and would not, to this day still swears that nothing ever was going on between them, but my snooping told me different. I fought hard and did the best I could, and somewhere along the line I gave up. We fell into old patterns and he never mentioned he was unhappy until about four months ago. He told me he was going to leave me so that he could get sober and with me around he would never get better. Nothing ever came of it, i considered it an idle threat and i realized he was not contacting her anymore, she was in the middle of some family issues (her dad passed away then her mom had a stroke). Then about 2 1/2 months ago, she came back to work, and the contact started again, I decided not to mention it, we were doing pretty good, getting along, no fights, intimate, etc.
June 10th he calls me from work and tells me to read something from the computer, I look it up and he says call me when you are done. I knew in my heart what it was. Sure enough it was a five page letter telling me he did not want to be with me anymore, and gave all his reasons. I the things I have ever wronged him, etc. I reacted the normal way, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I asked if it had anything to do with her, he said it didn't. I believed that he wanted to get sober and figure things out, so I helped him get our finances in order and find a place, etc. I was such a dummy.
Not two days after he moved out June 29th, I could see the increase in the phone calls to and from her, and about a week later he admitted she was around but she was not the reason he left, he had been unhappy for 6 years.
It is now a month later, she pretty much stays with him every night (mostly because her ex that she broke up with at the same time will not move out of their house until August 7th). So my kids can not stay the night with their dad because I don't want her there. From the very first time my kids were at dads house she was around, she is making him and my kids dinner. Doing his shopping, buying him clothes etc. I am finding out from work that she has a drinking problem too, so that is the perfect match, because she will never judge him. She has two kids, her daughter is close to my daughters age and they play together so I have to hear about it all the time.
Like I said we all work together, recently I went back to work and told a few close friends about what is happening, they all knew things were rocky. Well where we work is like high school and the word spread quickly. Friday I got threatening text messages from him tell me to shut the f up, and stop talking at work, and that people were telling him that I spent my entire time there walking around telling everyone. So not true. We got into a huge fight and at that point I was done.
I made a mistake of the next day calling, crying, acting needy, and trying to tell him how he screwed me over. Well he didn't like that and hung up. I called back and apologized (I have always been the first to apologize) and then basically told him I am just as upset about work, because what he is hearing is not true, etc, etc.
I decided to pick up DR again and start reading more, just to see if there was any hope at all. I decided to read the MLC chapter and saw everything so much clearer. I seriously think he has been in a MLC for at least a year if not longer because before this girl, there was one other close call I found out about. He is doing all the typical stuff, nothing about our marriage was good, he needs to get away from me, anger if i mention anything about the R at all.
At this point I decided to continue with LRT and just to go dark. I did not call or speak with him all day Sunday. Monday he texted me and I did not respond, he called several times back to back to both cell and home and I called him back after ten or so minutes. Said very little on the phone and he told me he wanted to get the kids Tuesday. This morning he texted me that I am being very quiet, after about half an hour I texted back, that there is just nothing to talk about. So not sure if what I am doing is working, but for now it is making me feel much better.
Sorry, I said I would make it short, but I felt all that info I gave was relevant to my sitch. So any help or suggestions would be great.
First of all you did the right thing in reading the book.
It sounds like right now you are doing all you can in going dark and not returning his calls for a while.
Yes i think it is working since he has already noticed that you are quiete, so yeaaaa for you.
SO don't beg plead cry or pursue anymore. Act as is you are happy with yourself
Good for you. This is a long proccess and H has to work on it in his own time frame. We can't make it go any faster, just detach and work on ourselves.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 07/31/0706:29 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
This morning he texted me that I am being very quiet, after about half an hour I texted back, that there is just nothing to talk about. So not sure if what I am doing is working, but for now it is making me feel much better.
This shows it is working. Good for you.
Don't mention R at all right now.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
thanks jak, yes this is very hard. i get very upset with him. not only did he leave me and is off having "fun" he has not seen his kids since saturday. he is supposed to get them tonight as per conversation last night, but he has yet to tell me anything about it today. he has texted 2 seemingly silly questions that i responded to simply, nothing more. you would think he would tell me his plans. i have no idea what he even works today since he works retail.
I think now would be an excellent time for you to start working on yourself. It sounds like if/when you and your husband do reconcile there would need to be quite a few changes on both sides to make it a lasting healthy realtionship.
He needs to deal with his drinking, and you could probably benefit from reading books on relationships, marriage, etc... Use this separation time wisely. When the kids are away, plan a few hours at the bookstore or library and read through books in the relationship aisle. I used to do this!!! I'd get a Chai Tea at Starbucks, pick out a stack of books and then find a comfortable spot and read through them. Even when you think you know everything about relationships there's always something new to learn or something you've forgotten. Also, read through some of the "positive thinking" books and read, reread, reread, etc... Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting...
Doing this should help in keeping you focused and positive. Regardless of what happens with your husband, you NEVER lose by focusing in on yourself, working toards being a better person, personal growth, healing, etc...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Listen to ROOT she is very wise. My advice would have been similar, though not as eloquent as hers. If you want your R to change then make a change to yourself. If and when your H wants back in your M you will be in a much better place physically, emotionally, and spritually. Think of this time apart as a gift, use it to find and better yourself. Divert your focus and thoughts from the trashy bimbo that is hanging around your H to bettering yourself.
It seems like you are headed down the right path...Even though it is painful keep forging ahead.
Thank you. Yes I am doing my best to work on myself, already went to Barnes and Noble when he had the kids last week. I have a stack of books and have been reading. Going out with some girl friends on Sat night and looking forward to that.
I still have not heard from him about him seeing the kids. This is twice in one week he said he wanted to get the kids, but never did. I want to text him and ask him about it, he got off work about half an hour ago (i called work and found out). i am not sure if that is considered pursuing, or just trying to hold him to his responsibility? What do I do? My friends are just saying do nothing and just log it. (i have been keeping track of all his visitation and now every time he says he will take the kids and does not).
ok so H finally calls. I didnt answer right away, and called him back. I was prepared to let him know it is a bit late to get the kids since it was almost 8 but all he wanted was to say goodnight to them. UGH! Never mentioned that he wanted to see them today.
BTDT. My first wife up and left one day. She left me with 3mo old baby and a 3yr old. Found her about a week latter (later found out she was addicted to coke). Anyway I had custody and she was to have them every other weekend. I used to bring the kids to her house with money so she could buy food and diapers Everything was ok until Instead of money I started bringing food and diapers. Then she would either not show up to pick them up or call that day and say she could not have them that day. My 3 yo would be al ready to go and I had to tell her mommy was not feeling well and was not coming. Soon I wised up and did not tell the kids they were going to see mommy until she showed up. She stopped showing up about 22 years ago.
My daughters know where she lives but they don't want anything to do with her. Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
oh wow Husband that is awful. well at least i didn't tell the kids. he did confirm he will be here tomorrow to watch them so i can work, but of course his car is in the shop and his girlfriend will be dropping him off and picking him up in her shiny red truck. it just keeps coming doesn't it.
i sure hope i never end up with him not seeing his kids at all, i couldn't stand watching them go through that.
