I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site for a few days now and feel like its time to put in my story. First of all, I'm amazed at just how similar so many of these threads are to my situation.
We've known each other for 19 yrs, been married 13. Two kids 8 and 5. Everything about our lives and relationship is great except there has always been some tension between us about our sex lives. I would be happy with daily, but she doesn't have the same drive. For about the past 9 months, its been at least weekly, which I've been quite content with. Flashback about two years... I was becoming suspicious of her lack of intimacy / communication and found her journal laying around. In it I found an entry about an EA with someone from work. She was seriously considering calling it quites and pursuing this new relationship. I confronted her and she said that it was over... he had moved on. We reconciled and promised to work harder. There were a few other instances between then and now where we had arguments about the intimacy issue, but we always found closure fairly easily.
Up to the recent bomb. I again was feeling something was out of place about 3 weeks ago. I snooped. On her cell phone I found txt messages from someone that works in her building (he happened to go to her HS also). They were suggestive, but she had erased her messages to him, so I didn't have the full context. Again, I confronted her about this and said what I saw had made me uncomfortable. She said that she found him attractive, but that their converstions were purely innocent. They've been discussing common marital issues. Next night, I ask to talk and she get defensive and angry because she's tired. Pissed off I leave the room and put together my thoughts in a letter. I leave it for her to find in the morning. Next day she doesn't call. I'm anxious all day. Finally get an email from her end of day that she read the letter but we should talk at home. She has a letter for me that she wrote during the day. Basic speech giving me the ILYBNILWY. Says she feels like its her brother when we are together intimately, that it has been this way from the time got married. Says we were too young, she was in love with the fairy tale. Says shes thinking of getting S. I suggest C, but she says its too little too late. We talk more and she agrees to C. I go out and find a book by Dr. Phil about relationships. I worked through excercises exploring myself, our relationship and her wants and needs. I approach her about what I've been working on and she says its too late. She's been looking for apartments and wants to find closure so she can move on. She suggests we sleep in separate beds, but then agrees to stay in the same bed. Finally get to counselling about 10 days after bomb. Counsellor suggests if the intimacy is the only issue, we should work on that and hold off on D/S. She recommends Michele's book and DBing. I get the book the next day and start reading. Over the weekend, we have motocycle lessons scheduled, so we spend the full weekend together. Things seem to improve. She is okay being physically close to me during the classes and she even holds my hand at one point. I feel like a schoolkid I'm so excited. So that's about where I am now. She has comtemplated being a WAW, but in the last few days, she seems to be more comfortable showing some affection towards me. I'm still concerned about the OM. I'm convinced it is an EA, but I don't think anything P has happened. One thing that does bother me is that ILY hasn't been around for a couple of weeks. The counsellor suggested we read the book together. I asked if we could do that tonight. I'm hoping this isn't pushing too hard at this point.
This site is great, but the problem that I have is that it is consuming all of my thoughts. Between the R issues and wanting to read everythread on this site, I'm really neglecting my work
I took this quote from another thread, hope you don't mind. I understand where you're coming from. I feel like I think about my H and our R all the time. It's totally consuming. I don't have any advice to give you, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate.
Where you able to read the book with your W? How did that go?
In response to your question: I asked that we set aside some time to read the book last night. Our C suggested that we read it to each other - that it is therapeutic. It was anything but therapeutic...
I should have trusted my instincts and just dropped the subject. I knew it wasn't going to go well. I got through the introduction and she was not at all interested. She just seemed frustrated and angry. After I finished, she told me that I wasn't 'getting' what she's been telling me. She doesn't feel as though it makes sense to work on the intimacy issues. That it is something that should more naturally. She has reiterated that her desire has been lacking for as long as the marriage and that she has made peace with her decision about not really wanting me. Painful, especially when I can think of plenty of times when there was plenty of passion. This is alien talk right? I need to just stop pushing the issue at this point and start really DBing. GAL, 180, etc. I'm going to stop pushing and get off her back.
I need to just stop pushing the issue at this point and start really DBing. GAL, 180, etc. I'm going to stop pushing and get off her back.
You have your answer my friend, stop pursuing, stop begging, and I would not have let her see DR, although I understand that your C suggested you both read it together. In my view, it's like giving a copy of your playbook to the opposing team. Don't pressure her into sex, you may have to settle for less, but it's better than none right?
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Yesterday was a rough day. I had a question for her about the weekend so I emailed her at work and didn't get a response. Waited a couple of hours and sent another with still no response. So as can be expected the wheels in my head start turning. It must be that she's taken the day of to the be with the OM. This thought is just gnawing away at me all day. A while later I call her at the office and it goes to voicemail. I call her cell and it goes to voicemail. Aaarrgggh!!!
She finally calls me back a while later. Tell her I've been trying to get a hold of her all day. Turns out she took the day off and went to New Hope, PA to do some 'shopping'. Ask her "by yourself?" Yes, just her.
Not sure if anyone reading this has ever been to New Hope, but it a small town on the Delaware river. Very eclectic with lots of small, interesting shops. Lots of bikers and quite a big lean towards alternative lifestyles. We've gone there together before. Problem is, its hard for me to believe she would just out of the blue decide to take the day off and go there herself for shopping. Honestly its more like a thing to do as a date.
Aaarrgghh!!! Trying to figure out how to handle this. It's driving me crazy. Hard for me to continue not knowing if something is or is not happening. I know the response from people on this board is going to be to not push, but it's so hard. If the answer is nothing is going on, I'll still be skeptical. If the answer is, "Okay, I've been seeing this OM, which is who I went to New Hope with", am I satisfied that it is at least out in the open now? Would that give me some peach? At least I would have a better idea of where I stand, but then again, I doubt that the wondering would stop.
Yesterday again was pretty much a waste. My mind was racing all day about the potential of OG and where all of this is going. One good thing is that I've decided to make a whole hearted effort to stop snooping. I've realized that it is completely unproductive. Just increases my anxiety and gets my imagination going. I went back and looked at some instant messages and realized I had seriously misinterpreted some of what I had read. After reading it again, it looked much more innocent.
read dr as fast as you can. you need the basic ideas and then you can start to really concentrate on your plan and goals. answer the questions in the book and stop pursueing and chasing her. don't ask about the om, don't snoop, it will only make you angry and push her away.
the fact of the matter is, you really don't know what is going on with w and om. you may have found some texts but the might be unwanted by her. but don't question her, just drop it with her. easier said then done, i know.
as for the shopping trip, again, you have to trust her. she may have gone with someone, she may not have. but you don't know. when you think something is going on, stop and bring the facts back down to reality and rethink the situation. you will find that it is more of your emotions driving then your head.
keep a good pma (positive mental attitude), act "as if" you expect everything to go well, don't push any r talks, and just keep being positive.
Thanks Atlas, I've read the book already. Actually more like skimmed. I definitely need to go back and read it again. Its all just very discouraging at times. She went out last night for drinks with people from work, and I was really okay with that. Didn't think about it, had fun with the kids. She came home actually earlier than I had expected. In the past when she would get home from being out, she would usually want to ML after having had a few drinks to loosen up. I was hoping that would happen last night. Not necessarily ML, but just some cuddling. She wasn't into it. I need to stop that also, but that's a tough one.
Hey Diss, I have read through your stuff here and you are right in that you and will are in the same basic situation.
Please, please stop pressuring her in any way shape or form. Do not check up on her, do not call her constantly, and do not worry about the OM.
She clearly wants you to listen to her. So do that. My suggestion, sit down with her, tell her you have been freaking out a bit, but you are finally hearing what she is saying. Tell her you wont ask her to read any books together anymore and you want to give her the time and space she needs to work through all of this.
One of the most succesful things I did with my wife was to tell her that I have a hard time with being in control. That I always fealt like I had to be driving the relationship car and in control. I told her that was wrong and that I was relinquishing the driving duties to her. I let her dictate the pace, what we do, and when.
You need to stop and actually listen to her needs. She will tell you what she needs my friend. The more you push, the more you drive her away. I can guarantee you that the OM is listening to her and validating her feelings. You were single once, you remember what you used to do to get in a girls pants? You listened, you comforted, and you made her number one. OM is doing this now so you better back off quick and make her number one. Listen to her, validate how she feels, and do what she asks you to do.
Forget intimacy for now dude, put it on the backburner, its not an option unless she initiates. Buy a toy if you have to, but leave her alone.
The last thing I will tell you is this. Each of us when we go through this believes that we know the way to reconcilliation. We don't, we are basically lost and wandering. Allow her to give you the map. She will in her own way show you which way to go. Let go of the need to know the answers and focus on reading the maps that she gives you to find your way back together.
Buy a book called the 5 love languages, read it twice until you get it and figure out what her language is, and what yours is. Then focus on providing those things to her when you talk and hang out together.
This journey is as hard as you make it on yourself. If you listen to people who have been there and done that, it will help you along this path.
Listen to Ian, he's dead on with his advice. You've gotta back WAY off and let go.
And...let me tell you, "knowing" doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse. You have even more material for the stories you make up in your head. It makes reconciliation harder--trust me on this as 8 months after H and I reconciled, I was *still* dealing with that even though it was only an EA and mostly one-sided.
Is an A a deal breaker for you? If not, then let it go. Knowing won't change anything about what you need to do. It will just hurt you. Let go.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
