Just looking for advice

[On The Way back]

Hello,

I am on my second day after confronting my wife and realising my worst fears. Not only an affair, but with a man I thought was my friend. I am obsessed with knowing the details and trying to figure out where I went wrong to make her do this. It could well be that the emotions at the moment are too raw.

I love her so, and want to stay with her forever, yet I feel so small no one would even notice me at the moment,

Thanks for listening,

Henrik

[SallyM]

I'm so sorry. the only advice I can offer right now is that yes, you want to know the details (I wanted a virtual mosaic of information on my walls), but it can be very detrimental to know them. If you want out, they can be helpful to find distance, but if you want to save your M, even if you think there is a slim chance you might want to save it, then don't ask. It will only hurt worse. trust me, I've btdt.

its a normal response, to crave the details...my friend (a therapist) really explained it well to me. briefly its our brain's way of making sense of something that we can't handle emotionally.

if you haven't, get the DB/DR book. good for you for finding this place so soon. if you don't have one, find a therapist for yourself now, if your wife is willing, find a therapist for marriage counseling as well. but definitely find one for yourself. I would have been a mess without mine...found her the day I found out about H's affair, so have been with her for 4 months now.

good luck

[Steel_Box]

I have to agree with morgan. If you want to try and make it work with your W. Forget about the details for now. Don't ask, don't snoop, and as hard as it is try to put it to the side and out of your head. I know it seems impossible. It is hard but you can do it.As far as morgan's virtual mosaic, I almost had a real one. I have more information than I want, and it wasn't until I was able to quit obsessing over it that things started to get better for me.

You need to find something else to occupy your mind, a hobby, exercise, anything that you can do to put it aside. Also, the DB/DR books and a counselor/therapist like morgan said.

Stay strong, it will get better.

Good luck

[Irish]

Henrik, sorry about your sitch. First you did not do anything "wrong" or "make her to do this". I am not saying there are no issues in your marraige however having an affair is a choice the spouse makes to deal with the issues as opposed to identifying the issues and working with you to see how to fix them. So do not blame yourself for the affair. Listen to morgan and Steel_box as believe me the more details you know and the more you snoop, the worse you feel. Focus on taking care of you right now as hard as that may be and don't do anything rash as right now you are probably emotional as this just happened. Get DR/do reading and try not to plead, cry, etc etc as it does push them further away.

[On The Way back]

Thanks so much for the advice. Easier said than done not to let the mind race and think of all things from why to how and everything in between. It is a crusher to say the least, been up since 1.44 am this morning, did a work out of super human proportions yesterday, something I should not have been able to do. I guess the adrenalin and body is running on lots of extra fumes, literally and figurativley.

Do not really know this signature but I can try
M-42
W-38
Married 6 years, no kids, but have been trying. That is straining as well

[SallyM]

oh yeah, I hear you. I think it took me over a month to sleep again. and I stopped eating for a while...would force some cold cereal down so I could keep up with the kids, usually only a couple of bites at a time. but it does get better. its horrible, but your mind will catch up to itself. its kind of in survival mode right now.

take care of yourself. its really, really hard.

good luck!

[Steel_Box]

Me too. If you let it, your pain and your imagination can eat you alive. Easter morning I went out and ran 3 miles. I haven't run in about 7 years. Yes it hurt like hell later. I stopped eating, and continued running and riding my bike for peace. I dropped close to 40 lbs is 2 months. Not good, even though I could afford to lose it, I definitely don't advise it.

It was not the best way to handle things, but it worked for me.

Just work on yourself, truly do anything you can to distract yourself from it. If you can, hang out with friends or family. You don't have to tell them anything about whats going on, but by being around others right now it will keep you from dwelling on things and making them seem unsormountable.

BTW morgan - I love that quote it speaks volumes

[On The Way back]

Thanks again, at least I am here and part of the living, and I will see who I can see to help me along. Aside from this, I am totally alone. My wife's shrink suggested that we not announce the affair since it can add to the struggles to re build, but it is lonely.

Thanks for listening,

Henrik

[Ohio_Mark]

Henrik-

Can I please add something? I would also suggest that you "lurk" here a bit. Read what other people have posted, both questions/problems and answers. You will pick up a lot of information just by peering over somebody's shoulder.

If you have any interest in saving your marriage, you will want to purchase Michelle's book Divorce Remedy (affectionately known around here as DR). Don't tell your wife you purchased it. Keep it to yourself if you can. Then read the book, and put what she says into motion. Pay particular attention to page 124 & beyond (Last Resort Technique - known as LRT here on this board). I am not shilling for Michelle here: I got the book in ebay for a good price.

Hang in there, and try to be positive!!

PS: To add a signature, scroll to the top of the page, then click My Stuff, and select My Profile. You will see it there.

[On The Way back]

One last thing that I would like to ask, should I share this group and discussion with my wife. We are still together and she says that she wants to stay together and work through this,

Thanks again,

Henrik