Newbie ? How public was your spouse's affair?

[mkultra]

I am wondering if anyone else feels as humiliated by the infidelity because my H's was so public? My H works in my family business which happens to be a karaoke club. Sounds like a breeding ground for infidelity but I TRULY believed he was above that! I do not work there often (SAHM) but my Mom is the owner and keeps an eye on things every night (Asian stereotype). I guess we were the last ones to find out he was having an affair. I feel humiliated and I do not want to even visit there. My mom says she will not fire him until there is a replacement which might have to me to add insult to injury. I have heard other people mention the OP are neighbours and coworkers which I think would be worse. I wish he was more discreet but he feels entitled, dare I say proud?

[Ophelia]

I'm so sorry you've had to make such a discovery, mkultra. *hugs*

Mine only told me he had a new girlfriend because he didn't want me finding out from anyone else. Yep, last to know. Worst feeling in the world. I felt completely humiliated on top of everything else. In his opinion, he's just "moving on with his life" and not doing anything to be ashamed of, so I don't know if he ever even tried to hide it from anyone in the beginning.

I assume my H's gf hangs out with people who used to be my friends. They've been together for a while now, so she's probably met his parents, too. Probably gone to their place for dinner and sat in the same chair I used to sit in, eating off the same plates I used to eat off. Wish there was a tactful way I could ask my ILs how well they know her, but I know there isn't. We don't even talk about H anymore when I see them, no matter how desperately I want to ask them about him.

Thinking about it all makes me sick and angry.

[SallyM]

mine actually thinks that noone knows. seriously. which is funny, in a way, because whenever anyone in his business has an affair, or even just a one-night-stand, trust me, they all know about it. I just don't believe it, personally.

at the point, several months after the bomb, a couple of his work buddies know. I don't know who else knows, other than the people I have told. and yes, anyway you look at it, its humiliating.

I'm so sorry about the circumstances of yours. I really am. that has to be very hard. as awful as it is, try to hold your head up and not hide from the place, if its possible.

[Ohio_Mark]

My wife is involved with another man. Her big dilemma, once the D is final, is how to "bring this guy out" without everybody knowing she was fooling around on me. See, he is her dream man and she is proud of the fact she has "traded up." Good luck with that one, hun. Her family is gonna know. The neighbors are gonna know. People at church are gonna know. And, most importantly, our kids are gonna know that her unfaithfulness led to the destruction of our family. She can't talk her way out of that one (like she thinks she can). She is treading on thin ice, as they may harbor anger about this for years.

Right now, just a few of her friends know she is cheating on me. Because of our marital difficulty, several family members on both sides suspect she is being unfaithful (they have asked me - I denied it for her sake). And I have told nobody.

Oh, one more thing... WAW and OM are colleagues, and most people they work with know (I don't really have confirmation, but we all know how word spreads with people we work with). The affair was brought to my attention by one of these colleagues.

[Hope_11]

My H's affair is very public. Not in the sense that he's been out in public with OW, but that everyone knows. He did everything wrong and acted so crazy, so it didn't take long for the gossip to spread. The good part of my sitch is that he moved 3 hours away to be with OW, so I don't have to deal with them...the bad part is he left me here to explain this while he is off living in la la land. I do feel humiliated, but everyone reassures me that they don't think of me any different. I believe that in my heart, but I still feel like people will look at me and wonder what's wrong with me.

I think that it actually helps me that my H is so crazy. When I go out, I always make sure I look great...better than I did when I was with H. I am thin, tall, and blond. It's hard to look at me and comprehend that my H left me for OW. They say the best revenge is a life well-lived. I go for the "what the hell is wrong with my H" look...that way, the better I look..the crazier he looks and I don't have to say a word.

I know you probably feel like you are the only one going through this, but you aren't alone. Hold your head high...you weren't unfaithful. It takes a strong person to come out on the other side a better person...at the very least that's what we are all striving for. This happens to the best of us. You will get through this. Never turn into someone that you don't want to be around. My H did that and his only family doesn't want to be around him. Take care.

[SallyM]

my H actually thinks he'll get away with divorcing me (if it comes to that) for, I don't know, irreconcilable differences. then he'll poof! just start dating OW. and that people won't suspect that there was maybe an affair involved.

I'd say at this point, a lot more people know, and only his work people would fall into this category. the way he has presented it to his friends is that he fell in love with ow, and can't help himself, because how could you? our families both know what is going on at this point.

[MariS]

my WAH-MLCer's 1st A was not public, but I let everyone know about it and that caused more damage than good.

When he walked out last August and began his 2nd fling, it was public, due to the friends that knew what he was doing & were involved. I kept my mouth shut the second time and let WAH-MLCer hang himself.

He is basically back home and we are working on things, even though he doesn't admit or say anything. OW seems to be out of the picture and I do firmly believe in the DB process as well as an A normally fizzing out about 6months. (been there twice)

Sending you a bunch of PMA!

[nextsteps_4us]

My wife is pretty open about her affair. All of her friends know, pretty much all of her family knows. They all call it an affair, but she doesn't see it that way, so its nothing to be ashamed of. Apparently if you fantasize about another person for months, then don't talk to your spouse about how unhappy you are, and then suprise your spouse with the fact that you want to be seperated, before you finally escalate an emotional affair to a physical one, its OKAY.

Its not an affair in her mind. Because what she is doing is different. She was unhappy before she found him, and she is 'in love', she feels entitled. I guess she didn't get the memo that she is acting exactly like almost every spouse on this board, and its exactly the way most affairs start.

[ediemarie]

Hi M -

I am so sorry that you have had to join us here. But if you look around and begin to read what is posted here, you will see that there is alot of love and help here.

My H's affair was very public. I found out through reading his email, but his affair with his coworker was known by everyone he worked with. He didn't think they knew, but he found out later that they all did. To make matters worse, we were both pretty involved at our church and everyone there also found out. Mostly because a lot of my family members attend there.

I know first-hand the humiliation you are speaking of. It's humiliation and the idea of failure and this idea that everyone has been standing at your open bedroom door for the duration of your marriage. I even dealt with feelings in which I imagined that people felt like I got what I deserved - not healthy thinking at all.

Please understand that your H's affair was his decision. He DECIDED to make the choices he did. You did not do anything to force it. A proper adult way of dealing with issues in any marriage is to deal with them head on. By running away and beginning a relationship with another person is in essence to run from the problems in your own marriage. That behavior is not acceptable and not a reflection on you. It is difficult to hold your head up high and walk into his place of work, but you can do it. You have done nothing wrong. He DECIDED to do this and you should not feel ashamed. I know that is much easier said than done and it is still something I struggle with from time to time, but it is the truth. You may not be able to walk into that place today, but you should work towards that. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He did this, not you! If you can find your way to the place where you believe that, you will be well on your way to recovery. You must start with respecting yourself...

hugs

[Dr LOve]

I got to get in on this. I asked my wife (before if found the pictures) "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR" her answer "no but I have strong feeling for someone"
After the Pictures her answer "can't we just say we are having irreconcilable differences?

I guess so. I think you should not sleep with OM and you do = irreconcilable differences

Husband