There and Back

[Astimegoeson]

the day I know they are going to meet her is the day you'll find me home with a bottle of tequila and hopefully some good friends to stop me from drunk dialing.

Chin up! They know who their Mom is!!!

[SallyM]

Chin up! They know who their Mom is!!!

thanks. that's what everyone keeps telling me. its hard, though. even now, I'm the one who makes them eat their veggies and clean their rooms...he's the one who feeds them junk food and every weekend is practically a festival. and trust me, if he and ow marry, they will have major $$$ to play with...who wants to hang with mommy when daddy has a pool and tennis court?

but hopefully that stuff won't matter in the end.

[SallyM]

you know that old story about the snake? where a person comes across a snake and he is so nice that she helps him across a river or something like that? and at the other side, the snake bites her. she asks why, he said, hey, I'm a snake, what did you expect?

I've been thinking about that story a lot lately. H has proven himself to be a snake...something he never was previously. but for many months now he has shown that he is now. And in a way, I'm coasting a little too much here. Yes, I talked to a lawyer (2, in fact) right off the bat, I combed thru our bills, I had his credit report pulled (to check for accts I didn't know about) immediately. I got my ducks in a row in many ways. but still, I feel myself db-ing and not really doing anything like squirreling money away, setting up my own bank acct (I do have my own credit cards, but our bank accts are joint), checking on our investments and such. probably not very smart...I probably should be doing all of that. why do I believe that he'll be a good man in the end, when he has proven himself not to be?

why do I continue to trust a snake?

[MikeinMidland2]

Normally I would advise you to close all joint accounts and come up with a monthly figure that he will transfer to you (by check or EFT) for you and the kids to live on. If he agrees to this, it sets a pretty clear precedent for child and spousal support in the future.

In your case though, since he hasn't filed for D or anything, and he is being financially responsible, it may not be worth it to rock the boat. That is, assuming you didn't find anything funky when you ran his credit before.

My guess would be that he is skimming cash to use with OW-- cashing odd checks instead of depositing them, getting cash back at the grocery store, etc. But for the most part he is trying to do "the right thing" by his wife and kids financially, to ease his guilt about the affair and what he is doing to you.

You should probably still open your own checking account.

[SallyM]

thanks mike. I know he's not doing any of the skimming money stuff, because I do all the bills/regular banking. and nope, nothing on his credit report (I keep track of that, too, normally, so not weird that I pulled it. I do all the taxes, etc, etc, etc). honestly, most of their relationship has been expensed...all on the company, so to speak. nice, isn't it? but its actually normal for this company to have a lot of entertainment/restaurant/bars/even hotel stuff.

he's been in charge of the investements (mostly thru his work) so that is where I feel like I need to get a good understanding as to what we have/where it all is. I guess I just am starting to think I am being too trusting, and I will be blindsided soon. I do think guilt is what is keeping him out of the money game so far, but wondering how much longer that guilt will last. guessing OW will be whispering in his ear and such. I think I will open that checking acct in my name, just to be on the safe side.

[SallyM]

okay, wtf is his problem? seriously? or wtf am I doing wrong here???? when we were e-mailing the other day, I asked if he would get a name for a play therapist for S5 from his therapist. mine doesn't have one to recommend, I'm going thru insurance lists but its nice to have a name. I would really like S5, also D3, to see someone because of some concerns I am noticing. nothing major, but my therapist and my best friend (a therapist) have mentioned that it would be a good idea at this point, based on my descriptions of behavior changes.

H just came to pick up the kids and I asked if he had gotten any names (he comes on wedn after therapy). He said his therapist didn't think it was necessary, based on the fact that the kids are doing so well and there are not behavior issues.

omg, is he kidding me???? I was floored. now, keep in mind, I was sweet as pie the whole time...not accusing, not belligerent or anything, just, we are in the together for the kids attitude (which we are). I told him I just needed some names, and that there were some behavior changes that I notice...hell, I've talked to H about 99% of them as they happen.

H got pissy and said they don't do it around him, and what was I specifically talking about. I asked if I could e-mail the list of behaviors later, mainly because i wanted it in writing so he couldn't say I didn't mention it again, but also because the kids were right there. he went off on me about how hard I make everything...literally, I was sitting there open mouthed. I wasn't doing anything, nothing. I've been freaking db-ing like crazy for the most part, one little slip, but for the past month, I've been really good.

finally, as is a pattern I am trying to break, I did give in and tell him. I kept my voice light and calm, and explained about specific behaviors that I was concerned about. His only response was that he doesn't get it from them when he is with them. I explained, in a non-attack manner, as best I could, what my therapist/my friend had explained why that is.

it just makes me so mad. not only that, but the fact that he got so angry at me and made it seem like I was the one making a big deal about things again. I swear, this man does NOT see himself, and not only that, everything, and i mean everything, in this world that is bad or difficult is somehow because of ME. I am so sick of being the whipping boy here. I am. I am not, and have never done anything that makes me deserve this attitude/treatment. I am in NO way perfect, and trust me, I own ever single thing that I did wrong in our marriage, but omg, it was never anything that bad, not that makes me deserve this. I'm tired of him seeing me as this awful person. I'm tired of it. and I could talk till I am blue in the face, and it wouldn't change any of it.

anyway, I just called his therapist (used to be our mc, for about a month, so I know him) and asked for a recommendation. he didn't, obviously, say that h had mentioned it at all to him...not sure if h did or decided on his own not to, which could be very possible. I didn't ask, doesn't matter. mama bear is in town and I'm going to do what's best for my kids, not going to wait around for him.

so the question, after this long rant, is, do I e-mail him the list of behavior issues, or do I just e-mail them as they happen?

[*KS*Chick*]

Chin up! They know who their Mom is!!!

thanks. that's what everyone keeps telling me. its hard, though. even now, I'm the one who makes them eat their veggies and clean their rooms...he's the one who feeds them junk food and every weekend is practically a festival. and trust me, if he and ow marry, they will have major $$$ to play with...who wants to hang with mommy when daddy has a pool and tennis court?

but hopefully that stuff won't matter in the end.

One night one of H's female friends was visiting him (big bon fire party) and tucked my baby into bed, read her a story, etc. Ticked me off to NO END (especially considering SHE was one of our issues...)

D tells me how nice she is, etc.

I told her - well it's easy to be nice when you don't have to do the hard stuff like mommy does. It's easy to be fun when you don't have to make your little one take a bath, brush her teeth, etc....

She actually got that.

[SallyM]

KS, the idea of this woman tucking my children in makes me want to throw up. but I see the writing on the wall, and know that it is inevitable. which is why the bottle of tequila will be a large one.

I'm hoping my kids do tell me how nice she is...she'd better be when she is around them. still, ouch to hear about it. I forsee a lot of screaming-into-pillows in my future.

but not today...shouldn't be today.

[*KS*Chick*]

I left the part out where she said this chick was nicer than me.....

THAT is what stung me.

However she is a non-issue now...but you know if I see her, I might do a night in jail

[SallyM]

omg, ouch. ouch ouch ouch.

lol about night in jail. along those lines, here's a funny story for you. my birthday was in april, not long after the bomb hit. one of my best friends and I went into boston to celebrate, really have a fun night on the town (which is was). I will admit to drunk dialing ow 2x...the first, in response to some text messages I had read on H's cell phone just prior to leaving (yeah, pre-db days), the 2nd was just because my best friend wanted to hear what a whore sounds like (ow doesn't pick up, just goes to voice mail)

H told me later that she had a slew of people with her just in case I came over there and, what, attacked her or something. which is hysterical to the nth degree...truly funny. first, I don't have a violent bone in my body, second, because I'm freaking 5'2"...not a lot I'm gonna be able to do. she's half a foot taller than me for god's sake.