Hey bob, I wish I had words of wisdom (like Theo) but I am in a weird time in my own sitch right now. I know it is hard but if you can recognize what triggers the bad /sad feelings this is a good start. In my sitch one thing I found is that I took too many things personal. I have found that My W is a negative person. She just says allot of negative things. I thought she directed then to me. I in turn would feel bad and I am sure my attitude showed it. Now I just TRY to let it bounce off me and move on. This has left me with a better attitude and I have noticed my W gets back to a better mood. I don't mean to talk about my sitch on your thread but the point that I was trying to make is that you seen to be headed in the right direction by recognizing the triggers. Stay strong. One more thing the Diet Pepsi. OK now we have the FACT & Belief theory going on here.
You have a Fact there was a diet Pepsi in his truck. THAT IS ALL YOU KNOW.
It could have been co workers. I could have been anybody’s he may have been dying of thrust and that's all there was.
The FACT is you don't know.
Belief: You ASSUME it was hers.
Don’t act on beliefs there is no proof. Don’t let your mind fill in the blanks because 90% of the time it's a negative.
Act on facts. There was a Pepsi can there THAT"S IT
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband, Your kewl !!! I had my ephinany today. I am done. She is dead to me. Kaplooy. Burden was gone. It isn't my problem anymore. It is now solely and completly hers. Kids know the truth. Friends, family, etc. I'm done. I've given her freedom. I've given all responsibility for her actions to her. These are now her consequences and hers alone. The BoBeLiNaEtTeS and I are now safe. We have a safe place. No chaos. Love, integrity, honesty, etc. They are different. You guys have said to be strong for them. Being strong for them shows in them. All is going good. Your still Kewl. Thanks. BoB
brother ...your a good man !!! ... how did you talk to your young kid's about mom...my older D20 and S18 know my w is in an A, but the little guys D13 and S11 may or may not have a clue...at this time I am not putting mom's A in front of them...my fear is them finding out w/o me or my W talking to them...my W does not want them to know the truth... she does not want anyone to know about the A, not her sisters,bro's, or mom & dad ...the TRUTH of the A is only known by my close friends, which have been an awesome support to me and the kid'os... pm me if you need too,it is a dilicate subject... our W's are so lost...our Lord hurts and pains right along w/us, this is not His will...thats all SorryDog
Me 47 W 42 D 20 S 18 D 13 S 11 Married 17 yrs Asked for D Mothers Day PA found out on 6/14/07 W filed D 7/3/07 D court date 9/10/07 W moved out 7/17/07
S-Dogg, Expose. Let her feel the consequences. You are protecting her now. She's cake eating. You and the kids are suffering. This isn't vengence. This is being strong and being the Dad. Your a believer. Be like Jesus. Steel and Velvet. You are called to lead your family. And to protect them and to die for them if need be. I don't rememder my Bible verses tonite.
Anyways... I told DD12 on Thur. Told her that I wanted to tell her what was really going on so that she would have answers to her questions. (DDs had even starting asking my friend as to what was going on). I told her that mom had a boyfriend and that mom continued to make bad choices. Hence my moving DDs with me and divorcing mom. She asked who it was. I told her that it was someone from the resturant mom used to work at.
I told DD8 Fri w/DD12 present. Same things told. She said "So mom was cheating on you". (Ouch). A couple nites since we've had talks about this further. Discussions about how they feel about stuff but mostly they talk of what they are observing around them at WS house. They said they were afraid I'd abandon them. They were relieved I took them with me. DD8 thanked me for not doing to them what my dad did to me (abandonment at 5yrs old).
We talked of how I sheltered them from the chaos, as I hid and played intereference as best I could about mom not coming home or what hours she was keeping, etc. DD12 said "Never not tell us what's going on again". (Did I already say "Ouch"?).
We've also discussed "character" and right/wrong a bunch too. They feel that mom has done wrong. I've not gone into great detail of all the "wrongs". They know of WS drug and alcohol use. That she wasn't coming home, etc. Granted this stuff was being wrapped up a year ago, although the A was being pursued until exposure in Feb'07 and bad choices continue to be made. See way above and main post for details.
It went better than I thought it would. They were calm, quiet, and contained when finding this out. They were really strong. My poor little babies.. Sorry. I'm tearing up.
We've also discussed this poem a bunch and they've memorized the top already !!! --- Thoughts become actions Actions become Habits Habits become Character Character decides Destiny
Thinking positively and find solutions. Never give in to negative thoughts The seeds of positive thoughts that you sow will surely yield a beautiful harvest one day.... --- Hope this helps, Bro'. BoBeLiNa
Thanks bro that is a bunch to chew on, alot of good stuff...I am heading out the door right now....I appreciate your time and thoughts I will get back w/ you soon....SorryDog....thanks again !...are our brides ever going to wake up from all of this ?...I tried to PM you ...your full...
Bob, (((Hug))) I am glad my boys are 21 and 23. It is hard enough on them let a lone having to tell your D's. They are so lucky to have you. That Poem is one I have on my phone and I even sentit to my H and he tells me he reads it all the time. But it doesn't soak in for him because it is all about him. I just wanted to tell you to hang in there.
I've read through your thread before, but just hadn't posted. I think you're an amazing person. I hope I can be that strong. My H had a previous PA 6 years ago and now appears to be in at least an EA. Since the first A, we've had a child and gone on a tremendous rollercoaster ride of financial & emotional problems....bankruptcy, job changes, his mom's passing, my dad's cancer, a move....etc. I was relieved in early summer because I thought things were going so much better, but then that whole odd behavior started. It's a hard thing to miss when you've been together for 17 years. I knew right away what it meant. He's emotionally up and down with me, so I hope I can keep this thing together.
I just wanted to say that your amazing strength brought tears to my eyes. My morning started off on a down note and I sat looking at myself in the mirror saying......The last time this happened, you told yourself that you'd never let anyone make you feel this bad again....and now here you are....feeling this way again. Through the tears, I said.....NO MORE!!!
I have to be strong to keep this whole thing together not just for me this time, but for my little 3 year old D. I'll be thinking of you each time I tell myself that it will be okay. Again, YOU ARE AMAZING.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I wouldn't send the letter. She's not going to meet those conditions at this time. Start planning for your life without her (well, not exactly "without her" since you have kids together you will never be entirely removed from her.. she'll be baggage you carry for a loooong time, that's figuratively speaking...), change the accounts now, begin all the other arrangements, and figure out the custody issue. Good luck!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Root, I'd sent that letter awhile ago. The whittled down version. As far as custody, when we filed it was 50/50. I've sent emails stressing the need for a "schedule" for the DDs. No response. First time I asked she wanted it to stay nonscheduled cause we can have varying schedules. This is what I said in last email: ------ Please keep me posted as to plans you may make with the kids ie; shopping with Grama on Sunday, so as I can plan accordingly.
I still believe a set schedule, as best that can be adhered to, would be in the best interest for all.
As far as school for the girls goes, this is what I have currenty planned and would like to do: Have the school bus pick them up and drop them off at my house. Continue primary parent contact info as being myself. Change primary address and phone number to my current address and telephone numbers.
Thanks. ------ So far no response. Hope this explains things. PS Where are your pictures on SorryDogs "fighting for post". I'm still debating to post pics. I'm trying to stay anonymous. BoB
