New to DB, need guidance

[alk24]

I believe I posted this in the wrong forum. So here goes again.

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (Sept 22), and are separated right now. He says he is going to divorce me, and has been looking at the online divorce sites. I don't know if he has done anything with those yet or not.

Our problems started when I had an affair in May 2005. I met a man online (at a band messageboard..I wasn't "looking") in Nov 2003 and we began corresponding via the messageboard and email in Jan 04. Not long after that we began talking on the phone, and that's what really started the EA. We spent a year talking here and there, sometimes I'd feel guilty and ask to stop, other times he would. We finally decided to meet in Feb 2005, but nothing happened. I don't know why, but I was too afraid, so I got so drunk that I was sick. After that weekend he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his wife. We decided to meet again (May 2005) and this time I let it happen. My husband found out and confronted me after I got home from my trip. I confessed, and he filed for divorce. The man I had the affair with wanted to move forward with plans to leave his wife, but it was going to take time. He asked me to go on another trip with him and I said yes. During the first few weeks of June 05 I started beginning to think that what I was going to do wasn't what I wanted, not to mention wrong..so so wrong. I told the OM that I couldn't go on the trip and that I was going to try and save my marriage. He understood. My husband and I spent several nights talking everything over and he decided to take me back and call off the divorce.

I had already rented an apt so we moved in there with hopes to sell our home. In Sept 05 my H received some money from his aunt's estate, which enabled us to pay me out of my lease and move back into our home. We started doing tons of work on the house that would have to be finished before we moved in. During this time we were both working full time and my H did the lion's share of the remodeling. Apparently, he was very bitter about my lack of help. We moved back in our house at the end of Oct 05 and three days later he told me he wanted a divorce.

I was hurt, scared, and filled with anxiety. Through some snooping I found out he was "talking" to a single woman from our church. I knew this had to be the driving force behind his decision. He filed papers in November and I did everything I could to convince him to change his mind. Right after Thanksgiving, he decided to give it another go. Our finances were in bad shape b/c we had spent all of his allotment on home improvement. He was very angry and upset b/c of this but in Dec he received another allotment and things seemed to be wonderful. He told me on the way to my parents house for Christmas that he was calling the lawyer and having divorced stopped again. We were going to counseling and things seemed to be looking up. I even tried to give the OW from church the benefit of the doubt. He said they were just friends, so I tried to be civil (I even went to her home for a party). Things started unravelling again in March 06. My grandmother died and on the way to the funeral I noticed his phone was blinking. I said "hey, you got a text message" and was getting ready to open it up to read it. He snatched the phone from my hand and deleted it. He said it was from our cell phone provider, as I quizzed him more, he confessed that it was from the OW. He said that she would text him occasionally but he never answered. I was furious. I tried to text her back but he said he didn't have her number. After that I was very suspicious and started snooping again. In May 06 I caught him on the phone with her in our garage. I took the phone and told her to stop calling him and to leave us alone. I also called her a slut and told her to leave our church. She said she wasn't going anywhere. I asked her if she was always going to be a homewrecker since she cheated on her husband and then divorced him. She said I did the same thing, so I should be so quick to judge her. From that point on it was hell at our house. My H was barely speaking to me and I was snooping like crazy. We went through a few periods of being ok with each other but he was still insistant on divorcing me "as soon as he had the money". In the months that followed I was a basket case. I spoke to the elders at our church and they spoke to both my H and the OW and told them they should stay away from each other. Later on my H admitted to kissing her once, but nothing else. Then in April of this year, we got into a huge fight. Our finances were really bad, and that made him so angry. He blamed me for most of it. I have two daughters from a previous marriage and it's always been hard for me to let him discipline them b/c I thought he was too strict. One night this April he spanked my youngest daughter and I lost it. I punched him in the back of the head and he realiated. I decided that the girls and I should leave and their father offered to let us use his apt until we could find something for ourselves. After I moved out m H first admitted to parts of a PA and then later admitted to a full blown PA. Like I said we've been seperated since April and he still hasn't filed any papers. I won't. I don't want the divorce. My friends and family don't know that I still want to work on our marriage b/c they wouldn't understand. I don't think my H and I should move back in together (our house was foreclosed on and we are now living in our own apartments), I think we should go to counseling, and slowing work back up to that. I need help, I am not functioning well. My financial situation is horrible, and I have panic attacks almost every day. I plan on buying the DB book when I get paid next but I want to start implementing the steps now..before it's too late.

[Iamworththetime]

1st, I'm sorry for your situation, as someone who's W cheated on him I know the rage and anger your H is/was feeling. Have you ever apologized to him for the PA if not, do so, he needs to hear it and it needs to be sincere, he most likely had his out of retaliation for yours. 2nd, STOP SNOOPING, TRUST ME! You are only hurting yourself.

[alk24]

Oh yes, I have apologized..over and over again. I told him it was the worst mistake of my life and tried to do things differently. I'm totally willing to work things out, but he won't even consider it. I have stoped snooping and have started trying to give things over to God. I'm just in so much pain.

[alk24]

you know, that snooping thing must be an addiction b/c I did it again. And yeah, I was hurt. OW ended her message to H by saying "love you". I cried for 5 hours last night, I've got to stop it.

[Rj_Wooster]

bella so sorry to see you here but also glad that you came here for people to talk to.

I know how tempting the snooping is, but it will break you heart every time. It has taken me a long long time to realize that. Try to give your self a second to consider that you may possibly hurt yourself before you snoop..put up that mental stop sign.

Try to think of some things that you can do you you right now. A know finances are tight for you right now, but are there any hobbies or interests you have that you can get back in to (or try for the first time)? Sometimes that can be a good way to GAL, get some PMA, and distract yourself from falling to the temptation of snooping.

[Nomopo]

Hi Bella. Thanks for visiting my thread. Sorry you are hurting so much and having such a hard time, but I am glad you found this site. DB principles are a life saver and they can really help you a lot (for your M and for yourself). I would highly recommend that you get Divorce Remedy instead of DB. It is a much better re-write. Can you check it out from the library to start? Also, ch. 1 is free on the home page. Also, on one of my earlier threads (my 5th one? See the links to my old threads in the first post on my current thread), there is my personal DB Plan. Part II is an outline summary of DR. It is brief, but could help. And Part III are inspirational quotes to keep me (you?) going.

You need to really try to focus on yourself. This will give you the best chance to save your M and to lead the life you want/deserve even if your M fails.

Finally, check out the thread by SDFoundGirl that has JEnJam's Top Ten DB Tips. It is a great summary of DB prinicples. Let me know if you can't find it.

Hugs,
Nomopo

PS - Also, keep reading other threads, and keep posting here and on other people's threads. The more friends you make, the more visitors you will have. And commenting on other people's threads helps you learn.

[Iamworththetime]

you know, that snooping thing must be an addiction b/c I did it again

Yes, believe when I say I know.lol. But you can break the habit.

[alk24]

Thank you all three for taking the time to respond.

RJ- I plan on starting a daily exercise routine. I noticed last night while I was walking my dog that my anxiety level was almost non existant. I think that will help more than anything. Unfortch, my hobbies are very expensive, so I plan on finding some new ways to get my mind off things.

Nomo- I will check out my local library to see if that book is available. I'm also going to read through your thread with the plan and quotes. It sounds like a great place to start. Thank you.

Iamworththetime- thank you again for responding.

[alk24]

I read Jen Jam's DB tips and am trying to put them into practice. I have been trying to focus more on bettering myself and my daughters. I am on such an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm calm, the next I'm in a panic, the next I'm crying, and the next I'm ready to give up on everything. My friends and family don't think I should try and reconcile, they think I should let him go. They say stuff like, "you didn't really love him", or "you're better off without him". I don't think I would be feeling this way if I didn't love him, maybe it's just the fear of being alone. I am so confused. What I have found most helpful is my faith. I believe God hates divorce, but he can't change a person's heart. I pray for my husband and the OW daily, I pray that God will prick their hearts and maybe that will cause them to realize what they are doing is wrong. I also pray for myself and that I will be able to be a better person, no matter what happens. It may seem crazy to some of you, but my faith that God won't give me more than I can handle is what gets me through each day.

[Iamworththetime]

My friends and family don't think I should try and reconcile, they think I should let him go. They say stuff like, "you didn't really love him", or "you're better off without him"

Yeah, mine try and tell me the same things, I finally told them to back off because they didn't know what I was feeling.