Its funny you say this b/c I was just thinking along there same lines. My H use to never talk about his feelings, therefore I never knew he was not happy. Now he throws it all at me and how resentful he feels. He can't seem to get past that. The more he complains , the less attractive he is to me. Sometimes I wish he would just shut it up b/c I am trying to fix the things he complains about but he is too busy compaining he cant see that.
My H the same. Whenever we have a R talk he always drags up the past and tells me I should have done this and that. I'm thinking he should have done this and that. You can't fix the past now, it's too late. The time to deal with issues is when they arise, and like you, chicki, H rarely spoke about things in the past.
Now, if he gets on topic he can't shut up. A few months ago I simply left the room because I wouldn't be drawn into it. Tell him to shut up or just leave the room. I have heard my H's rants three or four times now and I tell him I've got the picture. I am prepared to listen but not to rants.
We're at the point now that any R talks focus on now and what would happen if he left/stayed blah blah. I was scared of this shift in our talks but now I'm feeling bring it on and get the hell out of my life you loser. Five minutes later, I'm thinking the opposite. Hey ho.
Yes it seems our emotions continue to fluctuate and although I want us to remain together, I do not honestly know how to repair the damage without help. If W. is not willing to get help from a C., Pastor, or at least honestly communicate with me, I don't see much chance.
I am waiting and praying she will want to communicate with help or between the two of us. Regardless of the results saying nothing and going about it in the manner she is has to be making her crazy. She can't feel good about sharing our issues with someone else and not at least trying to share them between us also. She knows how I feel about it, and I believe although she cares, she doesn't care enough to make it better right now.
Chances are, just like me she will talk about it and shut me out 1 month longer than I can wait and then the shoe will be on the other foot again. Please understand I don't wish this, but sometimes I think anything short of a mack truck driving through the bedroom will not wake her up.
When I say wake up, I am referring to facing her feelings of anger and sadness, instead of pretending one day she is fine and the next not so good. I just worry if she doesn't acknowledge her anger in a more constructive manner, it will eat at her, and we will probably end up a lousy divorced couple instead of worst case scenario friends.
Anyway thanks for your thoughts and questions all.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
One another note, when we do communicate it is her that brings up the past and says it can't be fixed. I have said, I know lets move forward, I can't change what has happened I can only work for today and tomorrow. I can only make things better for the future, I can't make today better and I can't take away the pain from the past.
She says that is the problem it will always be there! All I can say is if that is what one truely believes than that is the way it will be. But if you believe overtime one can let go of pain and learn to forgive you can move mountains. If you hold on to the pain and anger it just eats at the R. like cancer.
In a nutshell that is what has been going on! It has been worse over the last 2.5 months and just as a coincedence this is also the period of time she had quadrupled her phone calls to her friend. It is a real bitch, guilty or not to have someone or something seemingly impairing progress all the time. But ironically I take comfort in knowing I made this bed and now I have to sleep in it. Alas poetic justice.
Last edited by thegoodfight; 08/16/0706:28 PM.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
All I can say is if that is what one truely believes than that is the way it will be. But if you believe overtime one can let go of pain and learn to forgive you can move mountains. If you hold on to the pain and anger it just eats at the R.
quote=thegoodfight]All I can say is if that is what one truely believes than that is the way it will be. But if you believe overtime one can let go of pain and learn to forgive you can move mountains. If you hold on to the pain and anger it just eats at the R. [/quote]
I wish it was that easy to let go of the past. I'm still so very bitter about past relationship problems that i dont know how to let it go. Mostly for my own protection. You know the saying "fool me once , shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" I can't let go, because i'm constantly on edge that he is going to "fool me" and revert to his old behavior, and i'll be so busy trying to make things work that i'm not going to see i'm being made of fool of. Of course then the question becomes "If i can't relax and trust you, why stay with you?"
Yes I have, it has been a couple of months since I said it that way, but yes I did say it. Things were better for a couple of weeks after that talk, that day. Then something happened, it is natural to feel fear of being "burned" again.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I understand your fear, and all I can say from experience is if you don't commit yourself completely to making it better, regardless of the outcome then you won't succeed in the relationship you are in.
Interesting enough you are here and I am guessing still with your husband. I don't know the story, it isn't that I am not interested but since I don't know it; let me write this, doesn't matter what happened between you. If you want the R. with the spouse, for whatever reason then you must commit to it. Sitting on the fence for an extended period of time will just make things seem worse.
My W. sat on the fence for months, and so did I earlier this year, one or two not so good days just make everything seem worse. It takes time to heal, forgive, and trust again. I believe if you give it enough time and there was love between you before you can have it again. Maybe better! Funny thing is we hardly ever fought, we have a beautiful S. not too many financial issues, neither of us drink excessively or do drugs. We have never had any physical or emotinal violence. and even now when we are around our parents that can't believe anything is wrong.
Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is doing something in spite of being fearful.
I fear everyday this is all for naught, but I continue on because I know the only way I really lose through this entire ordeal is if I don't give it everything I have. If she ends up with someone else, she does, regardless of the outcome, I tried.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
GoodFight, thanks for sharing with us the "other's perspective." I read all of the postings and it is sad. I was most interested in the fact that you said your W just gave you the time to "work things out for yourself" as being a big reason for you coming back. Thanks for that, I may tell my own WAW the same thing. It also gave me hope that my W will come to her senses.
One thing that troubles me is the forgiveness part. I am not a "forgive and forget" sort of person. Every time she stays out all night, I feel more hurt, more wronged, and more betrayed. I am seriously looking at D as a solution. Frankly, I am not sure I have the capacity to forgive and repair the damage. It is an interesting dichotomy: the desire for love and the desire for revenge. I am not even sure if it is revenge so much as it is self-preservation or pain-avoidance.
Best of luck to you. I hope things work out for you.
--Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
Forgiveness is a big issue here. I don't think I'd be where I am now if I hadn't forgiven. I've forgiven H for the past but he can't let go of it because it justifies his present actions.
He is stuck in the past and it's not a good place to be coming from if he's going into a new relationship.
