This is my third thread within the last month. My W literally abandoned me a few days ago after a month of separation with no contact. We have only been married just under a year. She left everything connected to us, wedding albums, pics, even clothes that I had bought for her or she had bought to wear for me. In fact, I told her she could have anything she needed to get a new start, and she left most of our appliances, her makeup bag, perfume and winter clothes. This is her second M in 5 years, and she walked out on the first guy too, also pointing blame on him for the fault of the failed M. She is in her mid 20's, me in my mid 30's, and though we have a history of fighting and making up passionately, her leaving was drastic, unexpected and cold. She is now under her parent's roof and saving for her own place, though her job doesn't pay well enough where she will be able to save enough anytime soon, especially considering she will need new furniture and appliances, all of which she left with me. She left a note saying she was sorry she couldn't love me enough and that she didn't care about what she left behind. We have always fought, though circumstances have been very trying lately as she has suffered some health problems. I have to be out of our place within a week, and I am overwhelmed with all of the things I must sort out, pack and throw away, as well as the bills she left me with and having to fit time in to look for a new place of my own. She always wanted us to get out of apt life and rent a house, and eventually buy one. I am thinking maybe I shouldn't go for an apt, but a rental house with a nice yard, just in case she may want to return. My soul feels like it has twisted into a piece of hamburger, and I do not know whether she has filed yet or not, though she has been full of surprises lately. Ben DB'ing for nearly a month to no avail. Please read my other posts for the full background on our sitch:
Sounds like your W has a lot of issues to work through on her own.
As for the move - be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot! If you have to for now, just throw everything in boxes and sort it later... might help ease the moving burden at least a little bit. Also it's kind of unfair for your W to expect you to pack up and move all her stuff too (and store it, presumably). I'd at most pack it up and drop it off for her at her parents' house.. or if you don't want to do that much, get your stuff packed, and give her some times to choose from that you won't be home when she can come back up her stuff.
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She always wanted us to get out of apt life and rent a house, and eventually buy one. I am thinking maybe I shouldn't go for an apt, but a rental house with a nice yard, just in case she may want to return.
Absolutely not. If that's what YOU want, then sure, rent that if you can afford it. But since you can't afford the apt on your own, can you really afford the house with the yard? Don't get yourself into debt or way overextended "just in case" - you really have to look out for YOU now. What if she DOESN'T return and you've now paid thousands extra on a house you hoped she'd like? Look out for you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh, I was referring to renting a house, which I can afford, vs renting an apt. As for her stuff, she explicitly doesn't want it, so I am storing it with my stuff separately just in case we work this out or she decides she wants it. Most of our friends are completely mystified over her handling of this. We do have a history of arguing, but if you read my other posts listed above, you may see what I mean!
She sounds beyond cold feet as I mentioned before. If she has a history of doing this pattern then she really needs the space to be alone. Unfortunatley, she may repeat this pattern. Work on yourself and this may model proper behavior to her. Don't feed into the game of bickering. Be patient and do not panic. Easier said than done as I LOST IT TWICE TODAY!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Quick comment - you'll get more/better advice if you keep all your posts to one thread, instead of posting in several different areas or posting questions separately.
Just makes it easier for people to follow you and keep up with your specific sitch.
Sorry I was confused on the house thing, I thought you had to leave the apt. due to not being able to afford it, I didn't realize it was just a "lease is up" situation.
I'd say then... which do YOU want to live in? House, or apt? There are pros and cons to each. Write them out for yourself, and see which one you'd be happier with. Don't make it about your W - you have no control over her anyway. As I saw mentioned on one of your other threads, if she does decide to come back, this won't matter much. It won't be the reason why or why not (and really... let's say it was... do you want her back only because you rented the "right" place????).
I really don't think you should be responsible for her stuff. Maybe others will chime in.. but you shouldn't have to pack it, store it, etc.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
honestly it shouldn't be up to you to store her stuff. I'd tell her to come and pick it up (or have her mom do it or something). how painful for you to be stuck with it all!
as for the house, I'd personally not pick something with the idea in case she moved out. I had a friend who did that once, and it killed him coming home to it empty every night (she never moved). it will only serve to remind you of her. get what feels right to you and you alone. if she comes back, well, the lease will be up soon enough, it will give you time to get ducks in a row and maybe buy instead of rent (assume house is more $ than apt to rent?).
good luck!
Last edited by morgan; 07/26/0711:28 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
One other thought on the storage.. I saw in another thread you're always catering to her, making it too easy, and she's lost respect for you. Storing all her stuff basically says "oh I'll do anything for you, live anywhere, do whatever you want, please please please just come back." Not exactly the image you want to portray. It also sends the message that you're not going to move on with YOUR life. I'm not saying you should be dating or even considering it right now, but your W would know full well that you're not going to have a "special someone" over if her stuff's all over your house. Let her wonder, worry, create some mystery by setting up a place that's ALL YOURS. And make it a healthy, happy place that you like being in, alone or not.
Also...it just makes sense to make HER responsible for HER stuff. Don't be a jerk about it, just business like, but I think this could be a really good move for you.
My thought would be to do one of the following:
- Tell W what date everything has to be out by (if she doesn't already know). Then do one of the following, whatever fits your sitch best:
1. Arrange a time for her to come over and finish packing/moving her stuff. Don't be there if she's uncomfortable seeing you, or if it's too hard for you to be there and be cool.
2. Arrange a time for her to come over and finish packing/moving her stuff. Offer to help carry boxes or heavy stuff, and do that. Be upbeat, friendly, act as if you're helping a friend or coworker with their move. (this will be hard, be sure you can do it).
3. Pack up her stuff for her, and arrange a time to bring it to her parents' house. This is actually my last choice of these options, but the advantage is the stuff gets out of the apartment and doesn't rely on her choosing to take care of it. Again, be business-like and friendly (it can be easy for this to come off as nasty or "FINE here's your stuff then"..don't fall into that trap).
4. If she completely insists on not doing anything about it and not letting you drop it off at her parents, I'd strongly consider donating it to charity. Check with a lawyer before you do this, just to find out your rights/responsibilities, and make SURE she knows what your plans are so she has a chance to get it first. If it comes to this I'd recommend something like "W I have to get everything out of the apt by XYZ date, and need to know what to do with your stuff. I won't be able to store it for you in my new place. Would you like to come get it, would you like me to bring it by, or should I donate it to charity? Please let me know by XYZ date." Say it nicely, business-like... like you might to a roommate who left all their stuff behind. Might be good to get in writing too (again, ask a lawyer).
Last edited by NikkiB; 07/27/0712:19 AM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
