Today is a difficult day. I meet with the lawyer to file. I know it is the right thing to do but it is still sad. I know I will feel better when it is all done.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what I want out of it. I realize that my needs were really not being met for a long time in this marriage. I always wanted a partner that would want to spend time with me. H has too great of a need to be by himself on the computer. I also had a much greater need for affection and s*x than H did. I wonder if my expectations were unrealistic.
Before the kids were born, H was able to give me more time. Afterwards, he pulled back because he was not willing to give up his free "alone" time and there were the needs of the children. H actually stated that he felt that the 4 hours of the day that he had alone by himself were insufficient and he wanted even more time alone. (My only alone time was the time I was driving to/from work. His alone time was time in the morning on the computer before we all got up in the morning.)
What is a reasonable amount of time to want to spend with your loved one interacting in a day? I know in the book "His Needs, Her Needs" they quote a 14 hours a week time estimate as the amount of time you should spend interacting with a partner. I was lucky to get a half hour a day from H. (He would fall asleep because he got up so early to have his time alone.) I always felt like I was pushing him to try to get attention. I have never had another long term relationship and wonder if there are really men out there that would want to spend that much time with their partner. I am just trying to picture a new life in the future and what the possibilities could be. I am also trying to get a non-idealistic view of what my marriage was like. I thought I had a happy marriage but maybe I just had a happy life.
I also decided that I am going to offer to sponsor a "game night" as a social event for my New Beginnings divorce recovery group. I always love playing games and I am sure other people must too. I have a huge collection of board games and I think it would be a fun event. People could donate $5 each for pizza and we could just get together at my house and play different games. Do you think people would be interested in something like this?
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Everything went smoothly at the lawyer's office. She said we can do most of it through email. I should get the case number next week and be done by the end of August. She is setting everything up as expected. We each keep our own bank accounts, retirement, personal belongings, and cars. I will set up two $51K accounts for the children by the time they reach college age. He signs the Quit Claim. I will not have to refinance. I pay for health insurance and he pays 75% of additional costs like orthodontic work and glasses. He pays 75% of child care and school fees.
I should feel relieved now but I just feel empty. Twenty three years and two children and this is how it ends - with email exchanges. How appropriate since the problems were related to his computer addiction.
I'm taking the kids out to dinner and Build-A-Bear.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Hi IMP. I brought back a cute bunny to hug from Build-A-Bear. I put my maiden name down as the parent on the bunny's birth certificate. That is the first time I have used my maiden name in 21 years. Stuffed animal therapy!
When I went to the lawyer's office today the receptionist said she was so surprised that I was there to file for divorce because I seemed so calm. I had been laughing with another person waiting in the reception area.
I told H on the phone about the proceedings and he said "Ok." That was the extent of his reaction. No questions or comments. I am not surprised - that is how H responded to everything in life.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Yes it was a good day because the kids and I had fun. We chair danced at Taco Hell since we were the only ones in the restaurant and the cute 20-something kid behind the counter gave me free guacamole. We watched the fountain at the mall after buying clothes for our stuffies. When we got home, we watched "Monk" and ate big bowls of ice cream.
My brother made a comment the other day that H was never really there. He could have been a puppet following me around and it would have been the same. It is sad but true. I really feel pity for my H (STBX?). He got lost somewhere and just cannot participate in life.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Thank Struggling! Could you tell me where that great life is so I can go get it?
When I talked to the lawyer yesterday she said not to worry,in five years I would be remarried to some great guy and think "Why did I stay in that marriage so long?" I told her it would be so much easier if she could just give me his phone number right now!
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I told her it would be so much easier if she could just give me his phone number right now!
You're so cute HM! Your H doesn't know what he's missing. You are toooooo much for him to handle! I applaud you through this whole process. You have been strong and positive and the best mother to your little cuties.
