My little glimmer of hope just fizzled out

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

After the "I'm going to give her 120%" and he not wanting to f*ck around on her I've only been having phone conversations with H about child support and finances.

Last Tuesday at lunch time I was running errands and stopping by my house to check on D13. I called H cell and left a VM about a matter he was supposed to be handling. My car does not have AC and it was around 100 degrees here, so when I finally get home I seen that D13 was still asleep and the house was a wreck. To say the least I was not too pleased with D13. H calls when I'm not in the best mood. He could tell by the tone in my voice when I was talking with him. I explained to him what was going on at the house. H calls later and asks me if I was mad at him. I told him I wasn't and I immediately apologized for being short with him on the phone earlier and that I didn't mean to take it out on him if it sounded that way. This is a major 180 for me, to apologize to H and to really mean it. It came so naturally.

Today, I took the morning off due to my back hurting. H calls me as I was taking D18 to her grandma's. H asks me why I was not at work and I explained it to him. H said he wanted to talk to me about something and asks if I could meet him at the house. I told him sure. I met him and what he told me could have been said over the phone (it was about the matter he is handling). H then asks me about my back and if he could rub it. So he begins to rub my back and then one thing led to another and we are in my bed

I don't understand what is going on. The last time we ended up in bed he told me he would never ask me to do that again. Well, I guess in around about way he didn't ask but we still ended up having sex. And the one thing that bothers me is he wants to leave immediately after.

Friends have told me that he is comfortable having sex with me. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to make him feel safe when he comes to my house without it appearing that I'm pursuing. That's my biggest fear, I don't want to be seen as pursuing but I do want him to know that I still love him and want him to feel comfortable in the home.

[forward]

KdK: You are doing this to please him in the hope that he will be interested, but what is it doing to you? If anything, he will lose respect for you.

You will find that if you start to refuse him, he will start to respect you. Tell him you care about him but you need a relationship.

[kaydeekay]

Venting:

After H being in MLC for nearly 3 years, why is he still spewing at me?

The only time I contact H is about child support and financial stuff. Today I called him and left a VM about child support and a financial matter he was to handle. Well the financial matter (a loan) he has not been handling for over a year now and H and I are receiving collection notices. I have been nicely telling H for the past 3 weeks to make contact with Compnay X and work out some arrangements.

Today H calls me and tells about his co-worker that is in ICU from a severe car accident. H then tells me to call Company X and talk with them about what needs to be done. I calmly told H that he should be the one since he was the one who agreed to take the loan payments. Then all hell broke loose. H ranted and raved about how mean I was, how I thought he wasn't good enough, didn't earn enough money, how he bent over backwards for me, he gave me $600 for a furnance (actually he gave $100), he gave me Christmas money two years in a row while he did without, he didn't have nice things for himself, how the IRS are up his a@@ for payment, everyone has their hand out for money, and on and on it went.

It was as though he was holding this all in and just went off on me. H over exagerated everything and put the blame on me again. He has not done this in a long time. H sees that all I'm wanting from him is money.

Since we are not D he is only paying half of the child support that would actually be owed to me. I asked H if he knew how much he would have to actually pay if we were D. H replied yes it's XXX amount, that's no problem. H also told me not to call him for anything else. I don't call him for anything other than what he owes to me. I hate even to call him for that but if I don't then he won't pay or will just blow me off.

I just don't understand why I got dumped on like this. I keep telling myself not to take it personal but it made me angry when all I've been doing is be nice to him.

[inmyplace]

kdk,

Perhaps it is time to call a lawyer. You do have to take care of your financial well-being.

IMP

[kaydeekay]

IMP,

The only thing with that is I can't afford one. I had papers drawn up from a retired attorney, who does not represent anyone in court. The papers are for non-contested divorce. In the beginning H agreed to everything.

I just don't undestaand why all the spewage from him today. From past experiences in dealing with him like this, he will calm down and the next time he calls me he will act as though nothing happened. I'm seriously thinking about having my cell number changed to avoid anymore conflict from him but I'm afraid this will backfire on me later on. The only thing I can do is ignore his calls for now and NC.

[inmyplace]

kdk,

You said:

In the beginning H agreed to everything.

Then what happened? And can you please refresh my memory, but when was this?

As for your H's demeanor, I could speculate but that is all it is. It really doesn't matter if it is personal or not. What does matter is your reaction. You do not have to accept when it is happening. Have you ever told him that it was unacceptable? If so, do you follow through with action consistent with such statements?

And good idea with the NC.

IMP

[kaydeekay]

kdk,

You said:

In the beginning H agreed to everything.

Then what happened? And can you please refresh my memory, but when was this?
IMP

Back in February 2005 when the talk of D started we agreed on what finances each one would be responsible for. Since that point nothing changed.

As for your H's demeanor...It really doesn't matter if it is personal or not. What does matter is your reaction. You do not have to accept when it is happening.

I agree and I won't. After H's spewing, I made the contact with the loan people (my name is also on the loan) and worked arrangements out. I texted H with a nice text explaining the arrangement made.

Later that day H calls my cell and I let it go to VM. H was still very much angry. H was letting me how much money he was going to give me this week. I guess H felt the need to explain where his money was going because he gave me a list of his bills he was going to pay. Hearing the anger in his voice, I text him telling him the way he had spoken to me earlier in the day was wrong and that I will not be treated like that again from him.

My future deaings with H will have to be sterile. It appears (to me) when I'm nice and friendly with H he thinks I'm being soft.

I'm not going to let H get me down anymore. I will march on being a stronger and confident person. Look out!!

[inmyplace]

I will march on being a stronger and confident person. Look out!! \:\)

You go!!!

The other thing this episodes points out is that sometimes you just have to do things. It I sad that you couldn't get cooperation here, but if someone's inaction is going to harm you in some way, you have no choice but to protect yourself and stick up for yourself too.

You did well.

IMP

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

Not a whole lot of contact between H and I since he went off on me on the phone a month ago.

Three weeks ago I had to meet him at his job to pick up child support even though he told me he would mail it to me. There was no verbal communicatin except a thank you from me.

When he does call me I let it go straight to VM. H phoned me this past Saturday to let me know he was going to give me child support this upcoming Friday. H said he could drop it off, mail it, or I could come by his job to pick it up.

I waited a couple days and text him telling him to just mail it.

Today H calls cell and I let it go straight to VM. H was not very nice. He told me was going to give me X amount of dollars and "I advise you to pay the loan with that money....I strongly advise you to do that." WTF!! I didn't respond as much as I wanted to. Again with the I will mail it to you or drop it off.

H calls (got VM) a couple of hours later asking for a couple of his NFL shot glasses and an NFL clock. H said he would pick them up when he drops off the money. I no longer have any of his things in my house. H has been gone nearly a year so why all of a sudden is he wanting these things? I texted him informing him that I don't have them, and to mail me the money because I will not be home this weekend.

I don't know what game he's playing (if any) but I'm not going to get dragged into it anymore.

Feel better now...just needed to vent.

[kaydeekay]

Update:

Since H leaving a year ago (for the upteenth time) this month he has not had D14 over to visit him once.

I have been having problems with D14's attitude (typical teenage stuff) and I asked H if he could talk to her and maybe spend some time with her. H calls back and tells me D14 will be spending a week with him.

Later that evening, I text H and asked that if he was living with a female that it might be best if D14 didn't stay overnights with him. H calls me and tells me that he is living with someone and he has talked with D14 and said she was okay with this. I told him that I would talk with D14 also about this.

D14 says she is okay with this and really wants to spend time with her dad. So I'm allowing her to go.

H told me he wants to prove to me and D14 that he can be a father to her and would not put D14 second to his "new" girlfriend.

I told H that I was concerned about D14 getting too close to new OW (she may or she may not) and if things didn't work out between H and OW, I don't want D14 to get confused or hurt. H informed me that he and OW are beyond working things out and they in fact maybe getting serious on down the road. I asked H about the divorce and he said he didn't want to talk about that right now, only want to talk about D14.

If my calculations are right, and I think they are this is the same OW that H had told me about around spring time and as recently as a few months ago. I believed he may have moved in with her around the beginning of summer and if that's the case we were having sex during this time.

I think this will make it H's 4th or 5th woman that he has been involved with since he left 3 years ago.

In a way I feel very sorry for him. He is looking for something to feel some empty void in his life. I'm hoping with D14 spending time with him will have some minor impact on him in a positive way. I'm hoping their relationship will grow and they can be close again.

Af for my thoughts about new OW. I realy don't have any. I don't have the hurt or jealousy feealing as I did when I found about first OW.

Now I have to decide if I want to continue to stand or move forward with the D. Maybe I'm missing it, but after 3 years of H being in MLC I don't see that he will be coming out of it anytime soon.

Changed screen name (formerly kaydeekay)