I should be happy...but I'm not

[unadjusted]

Hello, I don't know if my situation is Midlife Crisis related, or not...but I should be happily married and instead I feel unhappy all the time.

I've only been married for two years and we dated about a year and a half before that. My wife and I are both in our late 30's and this marriage #1 for us both and we have no children yet, but my wife just got pregnant.

I should be happy about being married, being expectant parents, etc...but I find myself being unhappy, dissapointed/dissatisfied, and depressed much of the time. Before getting married I was always happy and cheerful.

I've been trying to figure out why I am so unhappy and it seems as though there are several factors.

The most prevalent factor seems to be my feelings toward my wife's physical appearances though. She has weight issues and has since we met. She had her weight pretty well under control and had actually trimmed down quite a bit when we met. She was about 50 pounds overweight, but I still found her to be attractive and decided that the weight issue was something I thought I could accept and deal with.

Since we were engaged, she has steadily gained weight...to the point that she now is about 100 pounds overweight. She also has changed her hair style and her eye glasses to styles that I find unattractive. I have difficulty feeling physically attracted to her lately. I find myself mentally comparing nearly every other woman that I see and finding that most other women are more attractive to me, than she is. I fear that if opportunity were to present itself...I might be unfaithful to my wife (luckily no opportunities for an affair have come along yet). She also has a few other annoying habits that make me question whether I'll be able to stay married forever.

Now, we have a baby on the way...which is GOOD news except that I have concerns about the health of our marriage. I'm wondering if becoming parents will make the marriage stronger, or put more stress on it. I'm worried that she'll put on even more weight during pregnancy and be really overweight after the birth of our child. Will I still be able to love her? I certainly hope so, but I don't know.

I know I sound shallow, but I'm being truthful. I'm not into glamourous women and I don't mind some extra weight, but I just keep finding myself being unhappy with the appearance of my wife. She knows she's too heavy, but doesn't seem to make serious attempts to get back on track with controlling her weight. I've made a few comments about the hair and eye glasses, but she just doesn't seem to take a hint.

What should I do? I want...and need this marriage to work. I can't even imagine leaving her (even before the pregnancy). I don't think I could live with myself if I broke her heart by leaving or cheating.

Sorry for being so long. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[Walking]

Well - you are married and you are in a partnership. That means you have a duty to be honest and to work through your issues together.

If you don't feel you can talk about these things with your wife, you need to find a pro-marriage marriage counsellor and use that process to communicate with your wife what's going on for you. She probably has no idea how serious it is for you.

Her weight gain is an indicator that she is unhappy too - you don't just gain weight for no reason, it's usually because of something going on in your life that makes you feel you have to take the pain away by eating/drinking/whatever your poison is.

Good luck - take action. There is still time to get on track before you become parents.

[BeingMe]

Well, yeah, ya do sound rather shallow, to be honest. You do realise that people don't stay looking the same for the rest of their lives. Are you going to expect your W to be slim and young looking when she's 60? C'mon, you must realise that one's love goes deeper than just being attracted to a certain way one's spouse looks at the time of marriage.

Okay, now that I have finished bashing you, I also think you need to go to counselling to help you find a way to communicate to your W how you are feeling. Maybe there are things about you that annoy her, and you could both work on it together? M is about more than being attracted to one another (although, it is very important) ... it's also about unconditional love, being supportive, honest with each other, trustworthy ... I think you get my drift. Sometimes, it takes time for the M to settle, to find other things about each other that makes you attractive and appealing, like being kind, a good parent, a good listener, caring, etc.

BTW, how old are you and your W? I hope you find a way to sort this out before it gets to a point of no return. Do something now ... don't wait until you end up having an affair or leaving when there's a baby in the family. Now is your chance to show what your true character is, and why your wife should continue loving you.

Just a thought, I guess. Good luck!

[unadjusted]

She's 38, I'm 39.

I agree that some of my wife's weight gain can be attributed to her being unhappy. She lived with her father right up until we were married...they were very close. Unfortunately he became seriously ill a few months before the wedding and he passed away right after our honeymoon. Less than a year later, my wife's sister died suddenly. Both of these deaths I think depressed her greatly.

I also know that people change physically as they age. As I said, I thought I could accept and handle the weight issues, but I never expected such rapid weight gain. Sure 5 or 10 pounds a year adds up after a few years....but 50 pounds in two years is extreme. What if she puts on 20-25 pounds annually? What if she gains 30-40 pounds during pregnancy? I just see an unhealthy cycle beginning and frankly it scares me. If I'm already unhappy with her physical appearance, what will happen if she gets even heavier?

As dumb as it sounds, I find myself wondering if she didn't work harder at controlling her weight when she was single. I find myself thinking that "she lost weight to find a husband". Once the husband was found, the weight wasn't as important and she went off track (I know depression was a big factor too). She doesn't work as hard at looking good in other areas either (hair, makeup, clothing) but that could certainly be tied into her not having a good feeling about her own weight. I just don't know....but I do know that it makes it hard to be physically attracted lately. Add in a few other nasty habits like constant burping and farting (that somehow were non existent during our courtship)and I'm just disgusted at lot of the time.

I don't discuss these things with my wife because I don't want her self esteem to suffer even more, nor do I want her to become more depressed. I have encouraged her when she brings up the subject of weight loss and I've dropped a few hints about the other issues such as mentioning that I think she should let her hair grow longer again and that I think some of the foods she fills up on are contributing to her gas problems.

The problem is...I'm holding all these thoughts inside of me and it just doesn't seem healthy to me. I have other issues that are contributing to my unhappiness in marriage, but a lot of them are minor things that wouldn't seem as bad if my wife's appearance were better.

I know I probably sound like a jerk, but I am afraid that the need for physical attraction is not one that I can ignore forever. As I said, I don't expect a glamour queen or a skinny girl....but in my mind I know what I consider attractive and what I don't. Unfortunately, my wife has been sliding into the category of those that I don't find attractive.

Is there any hope for us?

[Rollercoasterider]

I don't think you are being shallow. You are being honest...and you are concnerned about her feelings, so you are treading carefully.

Sweetheart wasn't so careful when it came to weight...he'd just come out and say it and this would make me feel worse. I'd rebel and hide chocolate...among other things.

What are your eating habits like? Activity...exercise?
Start imprioving your own lifestyle. She mar follow...but after many months or more.
Read the Power of the Praying Husband.

Are you concerned for her health? Sweehteart used the diabtes excuse...but then, he though Courtney Cox could lose a few pounds (anorexic!), so it's hard to take him seriously.

Is there hope for you.

Oh Sweetie...tons of Hope. You're here aren't you?

I think a 20lb gain after marraige is normal...50 however, is above. But you said she'd just lost...and weight bounces back.

Physcial attraction is important. You dind't start out with a thin wife...100 lbs is a lot...I'd be concerned for her health.

But I don't know how to approach that...I understand not wanting to lower her already low self-esteem.


Can you talk to a counselor?

And start with yourself. Go slowly. Sweetheart was a Phys Ed major and a trainer--and he doesn't have a perfect body. His berating of me has always beend ue to his own low self-esteem.

Would she feel safe working out with you? How about slow walking. MAybe you want to go faster...but it's for her and your relationship..not you.

You are showing you care through your concern.
HUGS,
RCR

[BeingMe]

Mmm, your post sounded like you were younger. I agree that you should find a way to communicate to your W how you feel. Try and get her into counselling (maybe to deal with her grief over her father and sister). In counselling, she will be in a safe place for you to broach this subject. Also, you'd want her to deal with any issues before baby is born. Be sure to let her know that you are concerned for her, and want only the best for her. It does sound like she is depressed, and I don't think it's a case of letting herself go after finding a H (although, I could be wrong, but women rarely do this on a conscious level, that I know of). I think everything seemed to happen around the time of the wedding, and maybe it was just too overwhelming for her, and she finds comfort in food. Many people do. Then being overweight makes them feel bad about themselves and the next thing to go is the make-up, and hair. It's a loop that many people can't get out of, so please be there for her, and make sure she knows you love her.

Okay, the delicate subject of farting and burping ... oy! Anyway, often a pregnancy can add to this, not the food one is eating. Of course, we women do fart and burp just like men do, the difference is that we don't normally allow ourselves to do so unless we feel really comfortable in the R ... at least, not me (I have been married for almost 22 years, and except for the odd accident, have only been doing this in front of my H in the last 8 or so years). It's just a bodily function, and unless your W's is completely abnormal (in which case, seeing a doctor, or getting those anti-gas pills might help), I think you need to find a way to live with it, because even if you end up with someone else, they too will be letting off steam, as it were, eventually.

Try and set the example for your W without making her feel like you are judging her. Have you tried encouraging her to eat healthier for the sake of the baby? Maybe, volunteer to do the grocery shopping and cooking for awhile, and make sure you both eat only healthy stuff. This might set a trend, that will also be established when baby arrives ... you want to bring up your child with healthy eating habits, after all, so maybe you can discuss that angle with her. Encourage long, romantic walks, for your dates (I assume you still do go on dates), or go bowling, or other activities where you aren't just sitting around and eating.

There is always hope when we are willing to make the effort, IMHO. I hope you are able to figure it out. All we can do here is give you our thoughts, and impressions, from our own perspectives, from our own experiences, so hope you can glean some nugget of info that will help you.

Take care.

[forward]

I would congratulate you for making an effort to deal with the problem rather than just taking off. I echo what others say--maybe individual counseling?

I had a baby at 38 and I will be honest: it was extremely stressful on our marriage. You can see from my signature where I am now. It is common for pregnancy to be a huge stressing point. I think we might have made it through except that H added a little complication of a live-in affair. I can't begin to tell you how devastating it is to be left with a 14-month old child who stands at the window calling Da-dee! Da-dee!

I will add: I am slim--thanks partially to the MLC diet--and H I think was just terrified of having to grow up and not be the center of attention any more, and maybe have to do some things he didn't really want to do. But that's my situation.

My daughter is 18 months and it took me a full YEAR to recover from the pregnancy at my age. I don't mean weight-wise--I just mean feeling well. I COULD feel back to normal now but H is busy carrying on an affair.

I beg you to be as kind and patient and compassionate as you can during the pregnancy. I mean, do your best and then DOUBLE that effort.

And please, while I urge you to work things out with counselor, I can only tell you how much it would have meant to me if H had had some patience and maybe put HIS feelings on the back burner for a while, understanding how incredibly stressful pregnancy is on the body.

If you're emotionally prepared (and again, congrats for trying), and give yourself and her some time, you can make it through. The tough time will pass. I just think my H is too immature to see it that way.

My H said I wasn't taking care of myself any more. I was exhausted--and he refused to take care of baby long enough for me to do something like buy pretty clothes or exercise! And I also realized he was right. it didn't really bother me that much that he said I wasn't taking care of myself--it was that he was unwilling to HELP me.

Now the affair--THAT bothered me!! (OK, believe it or not I actually have a bit of a sense of humor about thigns.)

So if you want her to change her hairstyle, clothes, etc., you could frame it nicely in a "Gee hon, why don't you, here the money is" way and she may be delighted instead of hurt.

[forward]

PS: Start with spa? if she starts to pamper herself physically she may just decide to change her hair, makeup, etc..

If you buy her new clothes and tell her you'd like to see her in them, she might take it as flattering. Deal with her where she is and continue to flatter her when she looks good; she'll respond.

If she is from a family where the mothers sacrifice everyting for kids, she might be unwilling to spend the money on herself. That is how I was. When H left, I realized I spent too much on him and not on myself.

Now I have an entirely new wardrobe, got my hair cut, and am seriously contemplating some skin treatments, mmh. Definitely all about ME - at least for a while.

Am also thinking that H is on the list of contenders for a change for me.....

[unadjusted]

Thanks for all the replies and encouragement!!!

I know I may come off sounding as though I'm without hope...but really I do feel that we have a very strong marriage and a fairly good relationship "communication wise". We seldom argue about anything and we seem to enjoy a lot of the same activities.

I guess I've given the impression that my wife is not trying at all to control her weight...but that is not true. She does try to select foods that are healthy and even when eating out is selective about what she orders. She also does put a bit of effort into trying to stay physically active too, but it just seems that she lacks the committment to all of the things she KNOWS are important to control her weight.

I do believe that it works in a cycle. She has told me that she's been heavy her entire adult life (to the point that she suffered humiliation in her high school years). When we met, she had recently had her most success with weight loss and she looked and felt great. She was very happy all the time and I think she enjoyed shopping for smaller clothes and working hard to make herself pretty...partly because she felt prettier than she ever had in the past. She also was thrilled that she finally had a lasting relationship (me)....everything was "clicking" for her. We decided to get married and everthing was going great except that her father became terminally sick.

I think the stress of wedding planning combined with Dad being sick and expecting him to die made her depressed and caused her to relax her dieting/exercising routines. From that point, the downward cycle began. Almost immediately after we were married her father passed away (he wasn't able to attend our wedding which also broke her heart). While her father's death was not a surprise, it still cut deeply emotionally and then before she'd really recovered from that death, her sister died all of a sudden. She now became even more depressed and, although I doubt consciously, put even less effort into controlling her weight.

As the weight has been going back on...she no longer fits into her nicer clothes. She gave away her old "fat clothes" as she called them and she doesn't enjoy shopping for and buying new clothes that are bigger. Problem is, she ends up wearing loose fitting clothes around the house because they are more comfortable, but they are also very unattractive. When feeling fat and dressed frumpy, what would be the point of fixing her hair and makeup nice?

Meanwhile, I am her husband....but 80% of the time that we're together, she puts no effort into looking nice. I understand why, but when you add up the weight gain, the lack of nice clothing and the lack of hair and makeup beatification...I just get really turned off. When I'm turned off, I'm more apt to have a poor attitude which is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

I bite my tongue most of the time because I really do feel that the biggest problem is depression and I can't see how making her have even less self esteem is going to improve the depression. But, I feel that I too am now suffering from depression. I don't like being sad so much. I am a happy person that is being saddened by the situation that WE are in. I feel badly for my wife and wish she could get back on track for several reasons. I want HER to be happy again, I want her to be healthy for the long term...and I want to be happy again.

The pregnancy now throws a bit of a curve ball. I am hopeful that she will get excited about being a mother and break out of some of her depression (right now I think she just has some anxiety due to the fact that she miscarried only a few weeks into the last pregnancy a few months ago...one other depression event that I neglected to mention). But, I also know that successfully controlling weight during a pregnancy is going to be very difficult. I fear that she may wind up being quite a bit heavier after the birth of our child....heavy to the point that she may have difficulties physically dealing with the duties of motherhood (she has knee problems already).

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the proper approach to all of this...but I just can't seem to figure out how to get things going in the right direction. I even sometimes think that maybe some kind of weight loss surgery may be the best solution. I doubt that any doctor would recommend such surgery during a pregnancy....but are weight loss surgeries sometimes discussed and planned "incase" a C-section is necessary? Or have I dreamed that up on my own? I guess what I'm getting at is whether the doctors involved in the pregnancy may be able to discuss future weight loss measures with my wife.

Sorry again for being so long...but you all have been helping, so I'm trying to give the most information possible. Thanks again for your help.

[NNP1965]

I wish I had a nickle for every time I have read this phrase on these boards.

I just wish my WAS would have sat me down and made me understand how unhappy he was....

I think you do need to talk to your wife about being unhappy. Make sure that she understands that you love her and want her to be healthy so she will be with you for a long time.

I also wanted to say that I think it is comendable that you are here searching for an answer instead of off trying to "find your own happiness".