I am female and HD. Well, I think I am HD. I don't really know how HD I would be if I were getting lots of regular LM and PDA's. My H is obviously LD. He is a great person. We have a great friendship and get along quite well as long as I'm not wanting more. He is perfectly happy with our relationship he says. H puts a great deal of time and energy into his job. He recently lost a bunch of weight and feels he is now simply fat instead of obese. I agree with him on that but only silently. There is no ED or other issues for us to deal with than the whole HD/LD issue. Things work fine when we LM. He is a very attentive lover but very routine.
I've read alot of the posts on the forum and I can say I feel like every other HD woman out there. I feel awful for wanting more and not being happy with what I have. I am terrified at some of the stories I read of second and third marriages that have the same issues. I feel ugly, undesireable and unwomanly because my husband doesn't want me, compliment me or find me attractive. The sadness thing is that I have a better body in my 40's than I did in my 20's. I look good for my age, 18% bodyfat, athletic, strong. My hair is feminine, my clothes trendy but not too young looking. I don't wear alot of makeup and take great care of my skin. I am an interesting person who does things outside of the M and my job. And yet it all comes down to why doesn't he want me? Yes, I've read SSM and I know why but why?
We have been in counseling for the last year or so. And truly H will do anything to please me but its not automatic. When he is tired or under stress it all stops again. I want to be with someone who doesn't have to think about touching me. Its not part of who he is and it never will be.
In the past when we were going through a rough patch I'd tell my friends I had a vision of our relationship and how good it could be. Now all I have is a vision of a relationship with someone else, someone more passionate, more lively, more interested in me.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am hungry for a passionate relationship with someone who likes to hold me, LM, play, flirt and be best friends. I truly believe that the M I have now is the one I will want when I am 60 or 70. He is a wonderful companion, he is kind, shares in chores, we have common interests. Should I just hang on until then?
Ok...what constitutes as LD on his part? I mean, how often are we talking here. Regardless if you want it more than it's being provided...you would be the HD partner, but it gives us an idea of where things kind of stand. I mean some people that are LD might have sex a few times a week....others once a year, regardless if the other partner wants it more, they are the HD partner....but there are some extremes to the situations (see what I mean?).
Does he SAY he doesn't find you attractive, or do you FEEL like he doesn't find you attractive because he doesn't say he does? Because he doesn't do PDA's?
I think I'd like sex 3-5 times per week, more than 10 minutes, lots of foreplay and multiple O's. I believe that makes me HD. He's happy with 1-2 times per month. Most times I feel its check off sex, you know, took out the trash (check), did the wife (check) kind of sex .
I FEEL he doesn't find me attractive. When asked he says yes he does. He never compliments me, comments on my clothes, looks, etc. In fact, the compliments are so rare that I can remember each one specifically. And yes, there are no (P)DA's--public or private. He's trying to change that but its a huge effort for him and he admits that.
Ok, that does help...I think many of us on here would agree with you that his idea of frequency is on the low end of preference. We have had people on here who have sex a couple of times a week and still consider themselves the HD partner wanting more...when many of us HD people here would kill for that frequency.
So, that leads me to my next question. Have you been with the same counselor this entire time? If so, what progress do you feel you've made if any? If you don't feel you've progressed, it's time to find a new therapist.
My next questions...what type of an upbringing did he have? Any history of abuse? Where his parents physically affectionate in front of him, was sex a taboo subject in his family? Do you know? How open is he emotionally? Does he communicate how he feels to you? Yes, there are reasons I'm asking these questions.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am hungry for a passionate relationship with someone who likes to hold me, LM, play, flirt and be best friends.
And you may find this in the begining with another person. But it may dwindle also as time goes by. Or you may not ever find one person to be your ideal lover and your best friend. Are you willing to take that chance?
I am gonna get personal. What kind of sex life do you have? What kind of sex do you have. Do you share and explore sexual ideas with your H.
You tell your H verbally you want more sex but do you tell him physically. Not to many guys I know that dont have ed issues are not going to respond to outright sexual advances or stimualation though they may not be the one making them or seeking them.
It does not sound to me as if your H does not want you. It sound to me like he is content. And it sounds to me as if your boredom is somewhat based on his contentment. But that fact you are bored makes you crave things you do not get enough of or think you dont get enough of making you dissatisfied . If other then your sex life you can say you have a good life. I would think it is worth working on not walking away from.
He has always been like this. For 20 years I was/am always the one initiating LM and any PDA. No, he is not having an affair if that is what you are asking. His upbringing was very strict Catholic, no PDA's in front of him or toward him.
How open is he emotionally? Well, according to our counselor he is one of the most emotionally available men she's ever met. However, he definitely is not a woman! ;-)
Am I willing to take that chance? That is the million dollar question. I am very afraid to lose a good thing but I can't help wondering if there is something/someone better out there. Someone as good as my H who likes touch and wants more physical closeness. Yes, it is a huge gamble.
My boredom is perhaps part mid-life crisis, part surviving a serious accident. I realize this is it--you get one shot at this make it count. And that causes me to look at all aspects of my life and ask, "is this good enough?" My boredom is also part of being a healthy 40-ish woman who has a healthy sex drive and a desire for physical touch/affection.
Do I tell him physically? Hard to tell someone physically when you don't touch them. Do we talk about it? We dance around it mostly. Yes, I should be more direct but finding the time when he isn't tired or stressed is very hard. His job really does get all of him and I am left with the scraps. And yes, he knows that this makes me unhappy.
Do I tell him physically? Hard to tell someone physically when you don't touch them.
Okay I understand his lack of PDA is part of his persona for what ever reason. But what is your reason for not touching him? Simple things like when you are walking by him and say something to him touching his arm while you speak. Putting your hand on his chest when you sleep or my favorite putting my feet against H's legs (My feet are always cold lol).
How can you expect him to walk out of his comfort zone if you are not inviting him to.
I am very forward sexually when I want sex, Everyone here that knows me could attest to that. And I am going to ask you a simple question that is very personal. Have ya ever just plopped down on the bed when he is lying there and started giving him a BJ or jumped in the shower with him and not offered but just taken the soap and washed his lower region. Ever leaned over at a red light and just gave him a passionate kiss. No talk just do. Actions speak louder then words sweetie. His response may be shock at first but your kicking his butt right out of his comfort zone.
Ok...how about answering some questions about his background. You've said he's ALWAYS been this way in your relationship, that's pretty telling.
I'm not going to say that your H has whore/madonna at this point (not even close yet), but there are a couple of us on here...who are dealing with husbands who have NEVER initiated, who would allow us to live sexually celibate lives if we didn't initiate ALL THE TIME too....that is why I am asking about your H's upbringing, and his parents (who would be sexual role models as to how he views sex/marriage) etc.
Visit Heywyre's threads...aside from her H's infidelity, let me know if any of it sounds familiar.
"IF", BIG "IF", your H does have whore/madonna...doing as Chrissy suggested would have no effect on him as far as getting him to reciprocate that type of behavior in the future. He might go along with you at that time, but he would still not initiate....unless you threw a big fit, made a scene.....or he felt like he had to do it to check you off of a list, make you happy, or shut you up (no offense Chrissy)....because sex/marriage aren't something he associates as something that you actually do....it's a disassociation. You marry a woman you love and respect, but you don't f*ck women you respect.
If however your H just simply has a low libido that's another thing altogether...BTW, I don't remember if you mentioned, has he ever had his testosterone level checked? If he has a low T-level then that can account for a lack of libido as well.
No offense taken Gel. My point/question is more about her actions then his at this point. I am trying to figure out if her not touching him is mirroring his behavior or is her own persona.
