Here is the story, all the problems between my H and I started when he started talking to this OW. He says they didn't do anything and he was just her friend. He went from calling me 5 to 10 times a day to calling HER 5 to 10 times a day. That is how all this came about. I became obsessed with the looking at the phone calls.
He is actually supposed to get out of the air force in Jan and was looking for a job. He thought he had found one at a local radio station....well, guess who works there. The OW. After asking him not to talk to her and him still talking to her, I heard a voice mail that she had left him. In reaction to that, I sent her a text message. Not a very nice one, but basically said to quit texting, emailing, and calling my husband. Almost a week went by and no phone calls, he had gone to the radio station to see about the job and he told me that they told him they decided not to hire him. They had apparently decided this because they knew about the message (it was to her personal phone) and they didn't want a "situation".
Since that day, there have been no phone calls that I know of. That has been about a week. Well, in the meantime, he left and went to a hotel. I checked today, I know I shouldn't, but I just can't seem to help myself. SHE had called HIM. I am having a hard time not reacting by sending her something or calling her, or calling him. I think I need someone to talk me out of this and give me some good reasons why I shouldn't. We never had problems until she was in the picture. We would fight from time to time, but it was usually over with in a couple of hours.
But nothing was going on before her. When he met her is when he started doubting things. I don't know what it would solve. But I just don't like that I am not supposed to call him right now but SHE can. If he needs to figure things out by himself, then he needs to be by HIMSELF. Its just not fair. I know I am whining, but how can I win when I am competing against someone new. Things are always great when you are getting to know someone.
Hi KLM My H has another OW and with it so fresh I know how you are feeling and I know how hard it is not to want to contact the OW and give them what-for! I'll share with you what my C said and what keeps me sane along with this board and supportive friends - what is important here is making yourself loveable - loveable for you, for your children (not sure if you have any) and for your H. If he sees a mad, bitter "shrew" who lashes out or sees a loving, supportive, happy woman, who do you think he will gravitate to. Also, for you and you alone, make yourself loveable and don't do something that long term you are going to feel bad about. And lashing out, calling the OW will not solve anything. Right now focus on you, that's the only thing you can control.
I know, in the long run it won't help anything. I just never thought that he was capable of not only hurting me like this, but to KEEP hurting me like this. I just feel like I don't know him anymore. I have no one here. I left my friends and family and quit my job and moved here when we got married. He had no choice, he was in the air force. I had to make all the sacrifices. Now I just feel like, how could he do this to me??? After everything I have done for him. We have been through so much together and now she just swoops right in. I just don't know how to deal with it.
Umm, this is probably not DBing but you texted her pointing out that her friendship was with a married man. That is really not appropriate even if she was just trying to help him with his job. People find it hard to be professional and become friends. It is innappropriate for married folks to form friendships with coworkers of the opposite sex. A lot of young people think it is OK because they remember how it is to be platonic. Sex is not the point. It is about draining communicaion from the primary relationship. Why should my H joke and tell his dreams to a coworker when he is supposed to share with his spouse? Sorry for the soap box. That OW needed to hear it from you so why wait? You go Girl! Nip it in the bud. My auntes in their seventies are always telling me to chase away any woman who would dare bat their eyelashes at my H. I thought they were old fashioned but they have been married forever! I do not have a jealous bone! They are probably right and maybe my H would have appreciated me peeing on my territory! Is that crazy? The only bad thing is that they conspire but id they are moral at all, she will feel stupid.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Well, actually the text was sent before I ever even heard of this site. I sent it after I heard a message from her telling him that she wasn't going out of town that weekend after all. Why did he need to know that? According to him, they are just friends and she is helping with the job....then what business is it of his what she is doing on the weekend? Anyway, I digress. I didn't send her or him anything yesterday. I didn't even call. He had left on Sunday and I hadn't seen or heard from him since. Well, I went to workout last night...got home at about 9:30...and he was there. I was shocked. I was nervous to even go in the house. I didn't even ask him about her. I am almost to the point that I don't really care. I feel like everything we had was a lie. I feel like if he doesn't want me, then why do I want him? I deserve better. But I can't help but WANT him.
I did ask him last night if he felt the same way, and he said yes. He says he just feels different. He doesn't think he can be the person I need him to be. He says he isn't cut out for marriage. He says it is all him, I have done nothing wrong, and therefore there is nothing I can do to fix it. According to him, there is nothing we can do. He needs his freedom and independence. I haven't read all of DR yet, but I am not sure what to do with this.
Hi klm - My wife tells me the exact same thing. It's not you it's me crap. Thats just their guilty conscience talking. She hasn't told me yet, but I'm pretty sure there is someone else as well. They are just projecting.
Well, this all started a month ago. I was completely shocked. My parents and the few friends I have told were completely shocked. We had our differences just like everyone else, but we always worked things out or agreed to disagree. Nothing major. He always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. It just seemed like we loved each other so much. He has always been so loving, caring, and compassionate. I don't even know this person. I can pinpoint the day that this personality change happened. That is one reason it has been so hard.
Get this. I asked him about the OW again last night. I told him at this point, he has no reason to lie to me and he couldn't possibly hurt me anymore than he already has. I asked if they had done ANYTHING. He kind of laughed, and told me no. Then he told me that she was a lesbian! I am not sure what to think of that or if I even believe it. He had told me that she had a live in boyfriend so I asked about that. He said he had known that she lived with someone, and he just assumed it was a man. WHAT????
Believe none of what they say, and only half of what you see.
Here's what you know. He stopped calling you 5-10 times a day and started calling her 5-10 times a day. That is not appropriate behavior for a married person, regardless of whether it went any further.
You don't know who she lives with, if anyone, and it doesn't matter whether she's lesbian or not. She could have cheated on the live-in girlfriend as easily as the live-in boyfriend. This isn't about her.
On the other hand, it could be a lot worse.
He stopped calling her when you exposed the relationship. She called him ONCE after that? (Was he supposed to change his number?) For all you know, she called to tell him to go back to you.
He moved out for two days, and now he's back. It sounds like things are unsettled, he's not happy, but he's not making any sudden moves.
You two got together very young, and often after a few years people start to wonder if the grass is greener. There's a reason it's called the Seven-Year Itch. If you find ways to spice up your life together, he may be less likely to stray.
