I'm new here and trying to implement the DR steps to save our marriage.
I'm 34, She's 37, no kids, married 8 years. It's been 2 months since she told me she wanted out and she moved out about a month and half ago. She has paperwork prepared, we are now in the process of trying to work out "who gets what". I asked her to go into marriage counseling, she said she would even if only to "get it though [your] thick skull" that this is what she really wants. We have had 4 counseling sessions, bad / good / bad / bad. In the last two sessions I mentioned the possibility of breaking off counseling and she asked me to continue each time. The first time was because I was just getting too emotional [no begging or pleading right?! Keep everything positive!] and the second because she again said that she did not understand why she should even be here with me when she felt like it was holding her back from moving forward on the D. [I need her to put the joint sessions under her insurance, I'm out of sessions, from seeing my own therapist].
Just as she moved out I stopped a behaviour she never was comfortable with [I was a crossdresser]. I also began to take hold of my financial situation after neglecting medical bills from a series of sports injuries.
After she moved out I started with a couple of cards but my Therapist warned me off [this was before I found the DR. Since then I have done the "180" and stopped contacting her other than at her request to schedule a counseling appointment. I've started a new diet, lost 2 pounds in the first week, been spending more time with close friends and generally moving on with my life. I also have paid off several of the medical bills or did what was necessary to have them paid by insurance. I've not even thought about the crossdressing anymore and have been much less stressed out, as it was constant source of guilt and shame.
Her stance is that the combination of my bills and my "hobby" made her feel that she was constantly supporting me / hiding my secret for me. She feels that she put her life on hold for me. She says that I robbed her of her chance to have children by not having them when she wanted them.
Since the separation she has gotten a new tattoo, new jewelry, etc. I think that our situation may be some sort of midlife crisis. Perhaps my own issues [bills, etc] were part of my not wanting to accept my own aging [have to stay young, active, play soccer with the 18 y.o.'s]
For the three weeks she has not moved forward with the D. She got me the papers she had drawn up, I asked for some edits, that's where it was left.
While I haven't seen much positive movement [a hug when I ask for it, she didn't immediately recoil when I put my hand on her should at counseling today], I'm unsure of the stalemate as well. I expect papers to be in front of me to sign every day. I don't want to push her away but she seems really intent on ending the marriage before anything else. She did say that she was glad that I was "becoming the man [she] always knew [I] could be", but that it was just "a little too late". When I asked when it became too late and what I could have don't at that point she had no answer.
She said today that she felt that she could not even meet for coffee to try to have a friendship until AFTER the D was final. I'm fine with being separated but, but don't want anything to be final until we try to have a friendship.
So - Do I:
Stick with the original 180 and stay low on the radar.
180 again and pursue.
Or some other course of action. Note the word action, I definitely need to feel like I'm doing something to active to save our marriage. It's very hard to do so when our only contact is 50 minutes a week and I'm expect by her and the counselor to "open up". I don't want to have another emotional meltdown like 2 weeks ago.
She did say that she was glad that I was "becoming the man [she] always knew [I] could be", but that it was just "a little too late". When I asked when it became too late and what I could have don't at that point she had no answer.
The first thing you can do is handle your issues. The CD and the bills is a good start. I say start because it has to be something you want to do, not something to get her back. If she is "glad you are becoming the man she always knew I could be", then you have to continue doing what you were doing to get her to make that comment. It is going to be a long road.
You have to GAL. Next, if she recommends that you two continue to go to counseling, find a solution based T. She is in control of whether to be M or not. But you are in control of you.
If she has asked you to continue MC each time, then she is not ready to file for D. I know you want to take action, but pursuing her is not the answer.
Continue with the MC sessions as long as she will go. You are lucky to have 50 minutes of contact per week. My only contact was to arrange visitation with my kids. Don't waste it, keep your cool as much as possible.
If you do see D papers again, don't sign them. Tell her that you are not willing to go forward with D at this time. You don't have to sign anything.
My advice would be to Stick with the original 180 and stay low on the radar.
DO NOT 180 back and pursue. She does not want to see you groveling at her feet. (been there, done that!)
Keep moving forward to improve YOU!
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
Thanks for the replies and support. I am continuing to let her initiate contact, and have in fact made a point of not answering the phone and just communicating by e-mail instead. I've made them short, factual and without any "love" or "sincerely" or "yours" at the end.
What I really wanted feedback on, but forgot to ask since my first post was so long, is how much to "give" or "push" on the D issue. She wants "her" stuff out of the house, I've said I don't think she any right to "our" stuff, that she can have anything that was hers before the M. [I'm a little soft on that, I bought her a sewing machine a few years back that I let her take, and books that she clearly bought for her studies. I guess I just feel esp. put down when she says her life was on hold. Through my job, that she wanted me to get, she got over 10,000 off her graduate education last year alone! And her life has been on HOLD?!?!
I definitely still don't want a divorce, but she resents me "dragging my heels". In point of fact, I've been completely reactive in a timely fashion to any request she has made, but I think she means I should be contacting her to split stuff up.
I know I should be her "friend", but do I give in on every request for marital property just to keep her happy?
Got the papers delivered from her lawyer today. Probably the reason she was calling but too chickensh** to leave messages. She asked for a bundh of her stuff, I prep'd it and she still hasn't picked it up, must be waiting for me to deliver it to her on a silver platter.
Her behaviour is really starting to irritate me. I've even thought about going ahead and officially filing ahead of her just to send the message that she can't bully me anymore. At this point I'd rather be divorced than be with the person she is acting like.
Married 10 April 1999 D Bomb 22 May 2007 Separated 31 May 2007 No Kids Full custody of 3 Cats
