My wife and I actually talked about MC this morning. The first one we had several years ago we thought was real good. um she died so we had to find a new one.... But she concentrated more on our past issues as individuals and a couple. I read ini DR that you need one that can understand the past, but concentrates on how to fix things for the future!
I see how important that is. Individual counceling is to fix yourself. MC is to fix your marriage.
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
I haven't read your first thread, but I am so sorry about your situation. Don't despair about about the "lost" "germ of hope". It sounds as though neither you or your H is quite ready for H to come back. My experience is that if he comes back too soon--and even if things seem all hunky dory and wine and roses for a time--he'll be out the door again.
I don't think that you've quite given DB'ing a chance to work. I completely understand why you've struck out in desperation--because everybody does those things: screaming fights, calling the OP. These are the natural things to do.
I truly think that you will have a better chance of reaching your goals if you first realize: you have no power on earth to control any person but you. You're going to make yourself a more attractive option to your husband if you basically just turn your back on him and concentrate totally on you and your DD. Turn your back on the OW. School hasn't started. Do fun things with DD. Do things for yourself. Concentrate on making a good life for YOU while H struggles through the mess he's made.
I know it's hard, and I know you'll be thinking about him all day--and you may not be sleeping very well, either. But you've got to disengage from this fight.
When you set your husband free to make his own choices--when you can pretend to be calm and pleasant and slightly uninterested in everything he's doing--then he's going to be a little bit baffled. And after baffled comes anxious.
And pretty soon OW will start making trouble--more than she's already made--and your pleasant, happy little family of two is going to start looking like a very attractive option to H--so attractive that he would be only too happy to be counseled for the rest of his life, if he could only be free forever from OW's talons.
It takes time. You have to be patient. It doesn't always work. But I think it could work for you if you give it a chance--I mean, if you step back and disengage. Your H already seems distressed and uncertain.
Check out Divorce Remedy from the library--or read it again, if you have it. Best of luck to you--and lots of hugs!
One of my best friends went thru a divorce, by his decision. After giving all he thought he could for a few years, and reflecting back on a previous relationship that was ended against his will, he decided that he could not control anyones actions but his own. And he is right. I am realizing that now as well. Everything outside of me is out of my control. You can talk till your are blue in the face or your spouses ears bleed, but all you can control is you and your actions.
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
Some people will not go to counselling. period. (my wife is one of them. sigh).
The most important thing here, is that *you* know what it would take for you to be comfortable about him moving in again.
Never, ever, do the "i think you need more time" thing again Right now, think about what you want from him, to move back in. if it ever comes back up, say, "this is what I would need for you".
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Your H isn't going to counseling any time soon. So if you have a good rapport with this C, keep her for your IC. It saves valuable time finding a good C and getting her up to speed. The fact that she is ethical (won't do MC after IC) makes her a good choice, as well.
If H ever agrees to MC again, it will be better to start with someone new, because he already thinks this C is too hard on him. He might try again later, particularly with a male counselor.
Thanks to everyone for your comments & insights. H sister proceeded to kick him out, telling him a few days ago he had a week to find a place. I have been very supportive, even going on-line and finding some condos immediately available - ugh! Gave them to him at D soccer last night and we actually had a nice time. I tried "loving" sentences which my C recommended - "Thank you for being such a great father to our D, it really means a lot to her and to me to know you are always there for her". These seemed to make him comfortable and they were from the heart so I felt good too. Today he called me and his S came downstairs this morning and said "I am not comfortable with you here, I want you out now." I was shocked and saddened as even though she may disagree with him walking out, you still should support your family. I validated his feelings and told him I would help anyway I could. I also said if you can't find a place today, you are welcome in the house until you find a place. No strings, no issues. I don't want you to feel abandoned or without options. And you know what - I meant it. It will be hard for me from one sense but I'm OK with it as I really want him to feel I am open and responsive to his needs and support him no matter what. I also really don't want him feeling out on the street and more lost than he is already feeling and I want him to know home is a safe place for him so to do that I need to show it. He seemed relieved when I said it and was appreciative. He called again later in the morning just to say he was looking at a place this afternoon so we'll see. I am having lots of pep talks with myself about focusing on my health (mental & physical) and my D and not on what is he going to do, will this work out, the OW and all the other crazy thoughts that can spiral through my mind. I also ordered DR online as it is not in our local bookstore chain. I also am going to the MC for me and think I will have her for IC and when we decide to go back to MC (how's that for positive), we will find a new one we both are comfortable with.
You sound like a good caring wife. I hope he appreciates that sooner than later. I am sure he will some day. I just hope it is soon. What does the coonselor say about the affect on your DD? If my H were to sleep in my/our home, the kids would be elated like it was a slumber party, but then they would be disheartened once he moved out again. His aunt is also ready to kick him off her couch. My H is a vagabond with little money right now. I would hate for him to move home out of poverty but I would also hate for him to stay homeless to prove a stubborn point. Those OW are so irrelevant. Spirals are bad and we all have them. Reach for DR when you get an attack of the negative spirals.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks mkultra. I am talking to the C today about how to protect DD from this decision. I did explain to her last night in very simple terms that H needed a place to stay for awhile however it was not for good and wherever he was, H loved her. H and I actually had a really good conversation last night and he said he is so confused about everything he couldn't even say if we were over for good or not. Trying not to read too much into that!! Right now, I am focusing on trying to be a good friend versus a nagging wife and also continuing keeping me looked after. I know having him in the house will not be easy from an emotional standpoint but it gives us such a great chance to communicate, me to show him unconditional support and at least know I am doing something right and good. I also am taking comfort in that for whatever reason he choose to come home and not to the OW or a hotel or whatever. Trying not to read too much but baby steps in the right direction must mean something!
