OK,last night when my H dropped off DD and I saw OW sweater in the car, I was enraged. I thought he went away for the weekend with her and it made me sick. I yelled at him to leave and then realized I shouldn't have. Called his sister's to talk to him and he was not yet home. She told me the OW was there the day he left last week and she had enough, was asking him to move out. I called OW and was not nice although she was a complete B%#$H herself. H called a few times that night and with the various emotional ups and downs as I broke every DB rule there is, the last conversation was we have to figure out a way to handle all this in a way that is right for our D and he agreed. So this morning he calls and says he wants to come home today. He will end it with OW and we will try to work on this together but he does not want counselling. After a few minutes of me trying to getting him to explain how he reached this sudden 180 decision,he says will do you want me there or not. I said he he wanted to come home I would welcome it cause I did not want to turn him away. A few minutes later I called back and said maybe he should think about this further and take some more time to make sure he was making a decision he was comfortable with. He said maybe, he was on the other line can he call me back. What do I do? I want him home but not to have a revolving door or put myself or my D through more confusion and pain? He sounds so hesitant of it actual working I am worried he is choosing this option for reasons I don't know - it is what I hoped for but should I say yes come home today or no, take some more time to be sure you are ready to try to fix thia with me?
no way in hell would I personally let him back in until he agreed to both counseling and to showing me that ow is long gone while he is still out of the home. sorry. btdt. it is worse for the kids, at least from what I have heard, to have him there/gone/there/gone. until (if ever) my H is ready to do what needs to be done, and actually shows me some evidence of doing what needs to be done, he is NOT coming back.
good luck with whatever you decide.
Last edited by morgan; 07/23/0702:48 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I know there is the excitement to a possible resolution,but I agree, counceling is very important, at least to me. And my wife actually. With all the issues that brought your relationship to possibly end you two will need outside help to try to bring things back together. Anyone have any advice on how to approach the discussion?
Good luck, Chuck
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
Irish- I just read thru your first thread and there is absolutely NO WAY I would let him move back in right now. Whats' going to change? He has already "tried" and gone to 5 counseling sessions. Now he'll "try" and not actually *do* anything to try?!
He has been all over the map with his emotions and it is understandable; BUT you have to protect the feelings of your DD and yourself.
You can validate him and his feelings and you can agree that you want nothing more than a restored family, but until something actually changes, he can't move back in.
There have already been false starts. Look at it this way--do you want the same marriage you have been having? If he moves back in without having done or even planning to do any work to change things, it will end up being the same marriage. Having come back now would be a short term solution to a long term problem and won't do anything but temporarily relieve all the unpleasant feelings. Think long term for you, your DD, your H and your M.
Well, that's my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. My H is currently looking for an apartment and he still sleeps in our bed. So, believe me, it is easy to dispense advice that I won't take.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Thanks Morgan. I've been following your posts and our stories are similar. He called back a few minutes ago and said I was right, he needed more time, he was jumping the gun. Now of course I am hollow inside as a germ of hope sprung. This is so hard and as much as I try to focus on my D and myself, the pain can be so overwhelming. He mentioned knowing the OW was not a long term thing...I am trying not to read anything into that but oh that is so hard. Thank god I have my counsellor today. BTW - does continuing on with the MC by myself make any sense? She said after a couple sessions if H decided to return she would have to refer us to someone else as by then she would have formed an alliance with my viewpoint which would not ensure she is balanced to both partners. So if I keep her, she really becomes someone to help me through this separate from any MC we hopefully will get back to. Otherwise she can refer me to an individual C. What does everyone think? _________________________ M - 37 H- 40 M - 10 years Oct 06 T - 13 years Nov 07 D- 5 WAH - more recent time July 17/07
Thanks Agent99 and Chuckwlane. It is so hard to be strong when I just want to close my eyes and makes everything wonderful. It is so hard to remain hopeful sometimes and if I hadn't found this board it would be a lot worse. Everyone here seems so strong.
Did he like the MC (aside from being withdrawn)? Did you think she was making any headway? If you think she would be a better asset to your marriage, then stop seeing her as a MC and let your husband know that you want to be sure that *when he is ready* that the counselor be balanced. Explain that you are finding a *different* IC to help with your growth and helping you find happiness. On the other hand, if you are the one that likes her the most and you think she is a better asset for you individually, keep seeing her as an IC and let her refer you to someone else later if everyone agrees that she has become too aligned with your perspective.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
glad you understand what I was saying. I know I sounded a bit abrupt, but since you've been reading some of my posts, you get why. sucks, doesn't it? that tiny ray of hope that I know I try not to feel too strongly, but I do...it like a wee little seed that I tend and water and hope will grow. and it seems like each little seed lately gets washed away by me overwatering or was a dud to begin with (how's that for an analogy!)
I really wish you the best. and glad H understands. mine resents me for making him leave...he actually had the balls to tell me once that he could (For the sake of the kids, of course) happily live here with me till the day the d papers were signed. deluded, thy name is H. living with me seems to mean nothing to him, so until it does (and I sincerely hope it does someday), no way jose.
as for the MC, the same thing happened to us in a way. I got my own counselor and signed us up for a differnt MC. H was looking for his own counselor, although not that hard (he loves who he is, after all). we went thru several MC sessions before they ended (affair still active) so MC kept H as a client. I was happy because H really needs to stay in counseling, with or without me in the picture. If/when we can restart MC, it will not be with him.
in your case, if you are comfortable with your current C, go ahead and keep her. then look for a new MC when the time comes. If you would prefer someone else for your personal counselor, then keep her on hold for MC eventually.
good luck!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My H insists C of any kind is a waste of time and while he found her easy to talk to, he didn't think it was helping. Maybe I'll wait for a few days and if he brings it up explore. He says MC made him more depressed and angry and it just made things worse. I think cause talking about his feelings is so hard for him, it took a lot out of him and made him focus on what's wrong within him so he couldn't only say I had failed him but had to explore inside of him. He also has yet to reach the place where he opens his mind and his heart to receive any help. I can't get there for him but for now I do need a counsellor to help me grow...happy I don't think so but at least get me to "I'm OK".
Beleive me, I am not strong.... yet. But I am getting there. Every day is a challenge. Every minute is a challenge. Every time I see my wife it is a challenge.
You will be able to gain and keep the strenght. You know you can and that you will.
Keep getting stronger, keep yourself busy, do for yourself.
(uh that last one I have a hard time following... but I know it is right! ha!)
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
