I am a newcomer to the site, I have been reading for a couple of days, but this is the first post. So here's the story:
My husband and I have been married 2 years, we were together 5 years before that. The only reason we waited so long to get married was things going on in our life that we wanted to do. I was in school, and he was in the air force and I couldn't just drop everything. I really felt like we both did everything we needed to do before we got married.
We have always had a great relationship. He knocked me off my feet when I met him and has been doing so ever since. I didn't know that there was a problem until 3 weeks ago. One day he just seemed like he was in a "funk". He said it was just work, but I kept pressing. When he wouldn't talk, I snooped. I found that he had been having very long and very frequent conversations with another woman. He says nothing has happened and I believe him (kind of), but it was definitely an EA. Once I discovered this I asked him to quit talking to her, but he kept talking and seeing her. Now I think he is just sneakier about it.
His personalty has completely changed. I see hate in his eyes and in his voice. I have told a few people about our problems and they are completely shocked. We never fought. We have fought more in the past 3 weeks than we have over the seven years we have been together combined. He says he feels different and he doesn't know if he wants to be married. He also says it has nothing to do with the OW.
He told me last night that he thinks he wants a D, and he packed up and left today. I am going crazy wondering what he is doing. We don't have any kids so that is a good thing, I just never thought he was capable of treating me like this. Is there any hope, or should I just try to move on?
If you want to save your marriage then do so. If you haven't done so get DR and read it. Do not beg, plead, cry, or pursue him. I know that's the first instinct but it will do more harm then good. You're going to need lots of patience. Time is on your side.
Believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does.
I'm sorry I didn't respond with more but at the moment I don't know have much advice to give. I'm kinda having a sad day. Other's will respond with more advice I'm sure.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
I have already done all the wrong things. I have begged, gotten mad, cried, snooped, and gone to see if he is really where he says. After he said D, I told him he needed to leave and make sure that is what he wants before he makes that decision. I am just having a hard time sitting here wondering. He is in the Air Force, so we are a LONG way from home. People come and go here, so no time to really form good friendships. I don't work with anyone my age, so I really feel like I have no one. That is why it is so hard for me to let him leave. I am not sure where to meet people. It has always just been me and him, and that was always ok.
It's okay that you've done those things. We all did them. Now you have to stop doing them. Make him wonder what you're up too instead of the other way around. Be mysterious to him. Take this time to work on yourself maybe he'll see a little of the you he fell in love with. I know how you feel. I'm a SAHM have a handful of people I can talk too. I know this is the hardest thing in the world to go thru. I've been doing it for a little over 2 months now. Compared to some on here that's nothing but it sure feels like it's been forever.
If you need to vent do it here. If you just need to talk log on and type away. There is a lot of support to be had on this site. And though no one can tell you yes he'll decide he wants your marriage they can give you advice and offer support. Which we all need in a time like this.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
I think one of my problems is that I feel blindsighted. He was always saying stuff like "I love being married", "I love being married to you". He was saying these things up until the week he dropped this bombshell on me. And that day he seemed to have a completely different personalty.
One of the problems that we have always had were his spending habits. When we got married he let me handle the money. If he bought anything big, he let me know to make sure we had the money, so it was no big deal. Since he left today he has spent A LOT of money. He checked into an expensive hotel room and went out to eat expensive meals, and went shopping apparently. I am worried about him spending money and me not being able to pay the bills. I am having a really hard time not calling him and telling him to stop spending. How have other people handled sep. financially? We are doing ok, but we can't afford a hotel room every night.
I am not an expert, but those kinds of spending habits would be a concern to me. I do not know what to suggest, but perhaps an attorney would be of benefit to you. My guess is that you would be responsible for 1/2 the bills.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Wow. My story mirrors yours klm. My wife is in the Air Force as well. I didn't work with people my age so the only people I made friends with were my wive's fellow classmates. Her training was intensive and she was gone all day. We were so great together! We had so many "little things" that she and I did together to affirm our love everyday. I was so in love... everyday and she said and acted as if she was, too.
Anyway, she started acting different and we fought everyday for about 4 weeks. I did the snooping and found the phone records to show her conversations lasting from 10pm (my bedtime) until 2am EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! We didn't have many problems prior to this. She promised nothing was going on.
Anyway I left because I couldn't be around her (big mistake) and it's been 12 weeks now, but she doesn't want me back. I have done nothing, but struggle because of my decision to leave and it's done nothing to help save my marriage; I've been in the situation where I didn't know what I was going to eat the next day. She spent ALL my savings... and overdrafted the account 8 times in 9 weeks. It's been a living Hell. In this time she admitted to "being in love" with this other guy. I think it started developing in class months before our separation. It breaks my heart.
It hasn't been easy. In fact... it's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced to date. I've done things I've NEVER done for anyone before; I became a monster and have kicked all my friends and some of my family out of my life because of some of the obsessive things I've done. I'm truly ashamed, but all I can do now is move forward. I'm just now going on 10 days of no contact, but prior to this streak... I was in contact with her every 3 days or so.
My outlook is bleak. I don't have much hope, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't. I recommend reading the Divorce Remedy... it helped me alot. Stay on the boards in your free time. It's tough... but there is always hope until the D is final. Time is on your side. Good luck.
Last edited by marshall1982; 07/23/0702:25 AM.
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Marshall, it feels good to have someone understand. I am sorry about your situation. How long have you been married? I feel like I am the only one here who is going through this after being married such a short time.
We also had all these little things that seemed to reaffirm our love. It just felt like we "got" each other. He honestly seems like a completely different person. I have also done things that I never thought I would do and feel ashamed. I feel like it would be a little easier if I was at home where I have friends and family.
He has always been a "spender" and I have always been a "saver", but it hasn't really caused problems in the past. He doesn't have access to my savings so that is a good thing. I am just worried about paying bills from the checking account before he spends it...and even then, I think it might be overdrafted. Really, the only outrageous spending has been the hotel. I guess I figured he would go stay with one of his friends. Even getting an apartment would be cheaper than this.
This is also the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I feel sick all the time, and I really have to force myself to eat. Tomorrow will be the first day I try to have no contact. Wish me luck!
