Ouch that one hurt............bad

[Chuckwlane]

I just bought Divorce Remedy after church this morning. I do beleive that we need to try to stay together because we have 4 children, and have been reading that all weekend.

I just posted a little while ago, that my WAW, who I gave the if you must go, then go speech from "tough love". She took the kids camping for the night. I found out today that the person who she began an emotional affair with came over and took the kids skiiing, kneeboarding, and is entertaining them with her. FFFFF(&$(*#@&$(*#@&$(*#&(&($ that hurts......... man thats a big blow. Just yesterday she said that is not a line she was ready to cross.

We used to boat, we used to take the kids camping every year. But this year with fincancial hardships we decided not to. So there is a large part of our summer that we took away, and not here is this other man who is providing it for my wife and 3 younest children.

To me I feel that I need to give up, realize it is over and move on. Then there is this side of me who wants to keep fighting, that my family and children and wife are worth it.

But now I just want to go cry for a little while.

Thanks
Chuck

[NMHurting]

Nothing wrong with crying. I'd be in jail if there was. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting for. Sadly my story doesn't have a happy ending. But the people here will listen and help you to grow through this as long as you're honest with yourself in the process. Best of luck.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

Yes, that hurts. Long before I found out for sure my wife was having a PA she called me one day at work and said she was taking S4 out and probably wouldn't be home when I got there. I found out later that she took him fishing with OM.

They all left for a trip to Florida last night and won't be back until Wednesday night. It's funny that after 1 1/2 years of this she still tries to hide him from me. I went to watch her perform last night with the kids. She was taking the kids after the show so they could leave immediately for Florida. He was at the show too. I'm sure they think I didn't see him. She came out to the parking lot to get the kids without him. When we parted I saw her turn toward the front of the place obviously to pick him up; she waited a minute before making that turn though until she thought I was out of site.

Oh, and my 8th anniversary is Tuesday. So my entire family will be in Florida without me for my 8th. She said she didn't do that on purpose; that she only realized after scheduling things that our 8th fell in the middle of the trip. That doesn't really help much though.

Yes, I feel the same thing as you. I have a voice telling me it's over and another telling me not to give up yet. It's tough. It's hard especially when a pleasant memory from the past hits you in the face. You think those memories have to still be in your spouse somewhere and wonder if those same experiences don't hit them in the face from time to time.

As I said I've been going through this for 1 1/2 years and this is all relatively new to you I gather. We've been physically separated for nine months and I have decided to go ahead and file for legal separation. After one year of that if we aren't back together we have to get a divorce under Tennessee law.

I think it's too soon for you to give up hope although it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel hopeless. Finish the book, work on yourself, seize the day, etc... There is no reason for you to be in a rush to end everything.

Don't give up, but do detach. It's a hard thing to do. It's a process. Even when you are relatively well detached you'll have days that are rough, but those get to be fewer and fewer.

Good luck to you.

[SallyM]

I am so sorry, and oh how I get what a blow that must be. I haven't been there yet, but that is my fear...one of my top fears, actually. every time h has the kids and they go somewhere, they come home and tell me how they made a new friend, etc, and I'm scared to death that its OW's son, that they are having Happy Family days together.

honestly, I think its a really crappy thing to do. I told H that I don't even want them meeting her until papers are signed. as of right now, at least as far as I know, no papers are in the works. hopefully he will respect that. I just can't accept my kids being exposed to OW until they have to be...certainly not until we are D.

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey bud, I understand how you're feeling. Many here have gone through this and it's very tough. However, keep in mind that most of these types of affairs are temporary. Think about it, such relationships are built on the wrong foundation.

As for whether or not you should move on, well what does moving on really mean? You can't flip a switch and say ok I'll feel better now. You'll still feel the pain and hurt but it won't kill you, I guarantee that and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So yes by all means move on, figure out what that means. Does that mean hanging out with your friends and family more, taking up hobbies, working extra hard at work...if so yes move on, it'll be the best thing you'll do for yourself. However, if moving on to you means getting laid or having an affair I'd say no...not yet. Give it some time, you're too close to the forest to see the trees. When you take some steps back and have a better view then make a well thought out decision and write down the reasons you made the decision.

I'm well over a year into this and I'm just starting to find my reasons for moving on. I'm not saying you have to wait this long or longer just saying that I've been where you are and if I'd made the decision back then I wouldn't have seen the full picture.

[mkultra]

I just want to say that no one can replace a true father. Your kids probably would prefer spending a simple day with their parents than a glorious vacation with a "friend". No contest. I know a woman who is doing this rapidly. She is so angry with her H, rightfully so, that she moved in a new man to take his place. The upheaval has been bad for the children. She thinks it is great to have a new man looking out for her and providing for her kids since it is hard for single moms to find men. It is not good for the kids. They need their dad but he is not healthy yet. Do your 180's. Show that you are the best dad and husband you can be. Put your ego aside and look at things from her POV.

[Chuckwlane]

Thanks for all the kind words. I love my children and was very sad when they left.

Here is the good news and a little recap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I am generally long winded!

Saturday morning I told her that I am committed to keeping this family together but I was tired of all the lies and her doing things behind my back, I knew that she was still in contact with the OM, and that she needed to consider leaving. She said ok, we talked, did a few bills things together, and then she got ready and packed for an overnight getaway with the kids. Before she left I told her this is not a game, and that I was committed to doing the right thing, then I gave her the speech from tough love (if you must go). We talked as she packed and left, and I helped her. She is my wife friend and the mother of my children, and I still believe thats what you do for that person.

A few hours later she called, and said she was sad. We talked for a while, cried, talked, it was nice. Later that night she woke me up with a text, and we exchanged a few friendly texts about the kids and TV. The next morning after I had returned from church and the book store is when she told me OM was there. I was not happy. I told her it was a line she said that would not be crossed, and that she needed to do whatever she needed to do.

It hurt. I was mad, started thinking of packing up all her bags, calling police for a restraining order against her going nuts...... eventually I calmed down, and went back to dealing with life and reading.

My wife called around 5pm to say she was on the way home, we chatted about how the kids were, what they did, and I just asked if they had fun. My wife brought up OM and said that he was there just to be nice, there were lots of other people there with kids etc etc etc..... I simply told her that I think what she did was wrong, what she is doing is wrong, there was no way in his mind that it was a harmless nice action, and that she needed to do whatever she needed to do. And we amicably ended the conversation.

She called a short time later to talk about us. I told her how I thought, about what I have been reading and learning. It was a real good long conversation about us.

When she got home I put down DR, and went to meet her and the kids. I helped her unpack and played basket ball with my son for a while, and then started to get the kids ready for bed. When I got upstairs, my wife had crawled into bed where I had been reading DR… picked it up and started reading it. I just kept putting the kids to bed and left her alone. When I was done, I crawled into the other side, she put the book down and we started talking about the book, made a few jokes about things that we saw and agreed upon. It was nice. She asked if I cared if she stayed in the house, or in the bed, I said hun I am perfectly fine with you here, and she fell asleep in the bed. I ended up about halfway thru the book, I could not put it down.

This morning she went jogging at a local park and left her purse at the house. She texted saying she needed gas and asked if I could bring her purse to her. I of course would do anything for her if I could do so, so I said yes. When I got there I half expected to drop it off and she would leave, but she started talking about us, so I just joined the conversation. It was real nice again.

Tough love speech ----- Worked for me
Divorce Remedy Book----- Working for me

Take Care and good luck,
Chuck

[SallyM]

chuck, that sounds really good. I'm so glad you guys are having such good talks and that the divorce remedy book is working for you. I don't have that one, I have divorce busting, maybe I should pick that up too? what is the difference?

keep on working at it. sounds like you are doing what you need to, and in a good place even when you find out OM was there. i have to say I cringed when I read she said he was there just to be nice. H keeps saying he is talking to OW because he has noone else to talk to except his therapist once a week (I have friends, my therapist friend, therapist). I call that BS obviously, but its amazing how they think...or at the very least, what they think is a good reason.

good luck!

[Chuckwlane]

yeah it is amazing how they think isnt it?!?!? Maybe at some time that other person was just a friend, but a line was crossed and the relationship moved beyond friendship. I know that the OM in my wifes life has his own intrest in mind and alterior motives. The good thing for me is so does my wife.

My wife said yesterday that she feels like she is swimming upstream. i said maybe you should swim to the side and see which way you want it to take you. Then I told her that I didnt know which direction in the stream I was at in her mind, but where ever I am I have a rope ready to throw to her.

I dont have the DB book. I read online somewhere that Michele wanted to change a few things from the first book so I just bought the newer one. I really like it, and was extremely happy when I saw my wife reading it. Hopefully she will read some more on it

Take care and good luck,
Chuck

[mkultra]

I think that sounds like a wonderful start. perhaps she is prepared to rebuild trust with you. Perhaps she realizes that you are the best role model for your kids since you have remained calm by NOT packing her things and getting a restraining order or demanding that the OM stop being her friend, (which he should, but that needs to be her decision).

I have been thinking about the OM scenarios. Some men may have a hero complex. I think my H does. He takes in every type of stray animal. He cared for me as a teen. I have seen him be a caretaker to gain some type of confidence. He no longer has that in our relationship. I have become independent of him and anything he could offer. I could totally see my H leaving us and finding a needier other single mom with kids in a flash. I always thought these OP were scum with low self esteem, now I think maybe some have a hero complex and are looking for women to save from unhappy sitches.