Separated from WAW

[Heimlich]

DL,

I can speak from experience that writing an apology can be very powerful. Even if your W receives it as manipulative (mine did), going through the process of putting myself in my W's shoes and empathizing with how my actions made her feel made me realize, finally, the huge role I played in the demise of our relationship.

It probably took me about 7 or 8 hours over a few days to finally get it, but once I did, it really opened my eyes.

Just remember, the apology is about the other person and how YOU made them feel. Don't rationalize your behavior or talk about your good intentions with your actions. It's about how your actions made the other person feel, not about how you wanted your actions to make them feel.

BD

[crushedH]

You seem to be on a very good path. Best wishes. You are fortunate to have you and your W in C and starting to get to solutions for each of your own issue. Keep it up.

[dlt1]

Thanks CVA and Crushed. C told me to write just as you said. I'm not giving it to W...yet. Just bringing it in to C. C said eventually the goal will be for me to read it to W. I'm sure that is to wait until we're on better grounds so it is not taklen wrong. I appreciate the advice and support!

[dlt1]

I was home feeding the dogs and, well snooped just a bit. In the bathroom I looked at her ring dish, she is not wearing her wedding band or engagement ring. I am angry and crushed. I thought we've been connecting. Now i think she's been jerking me around and not really working on the R. Just appeasing me a bit until this weekend. I was going to move them or leave a note to let her know I saw, but refrained. I had already left a card asking her to call tonight. I plan on asking her about it then. In a more calm manner. I have to let her know how it makes me feel, and find out what she is feeling and why she woudl not wear them. Was she just putting them on for me and that was it?
So much for a good day. Looks like the end is near.

[Willing NJ H]

Sounds like your feeling a bit like me right now, sorry to hear that. The only way i've found to deal with it, is to get out the frustrations on here and read DB and DR. Don't assume the end is near, hold your head up. Your like a lot of us who know what we need to do, but find it hard to control your own emotions. Read the great advice you've given me, you've helped when I felt just as you are right now. I know how hard it is, but it helps to think that there are DBers who had it much worse and are now success stories. Lin went 2 years, OW's, everything, and she's back with her H and doing well now.

As for the snooping, we just hurt ourselves when we find things that we'd hoped not to. I've had the urge a few times, and refrained. The one time I wasn't actually snooping, I found the compromising pic and it tore me apart. The pic ended up being nothing, but bothered me for weeks. Snooping isn't worth it brother, we only confuse our minds and emotions even more. Listen to your gut, not your heart. Things may be gettings better, but she may still be unsure of your changes. If you say or do the wrong thing, it could cause a set-back. As you know, i've said the same things as you, and have mentioned things to my W that I was better keeping to myself. We all know it's hard, and you will do what you have to do, but try not to make the same mistakes we have. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just remember, it's going to hurt like Hell at times, but it gets better.

[dlt1]

Willing, I needed that. Have talked to 4 people and they all say don;t bring it up right now. Sunday's R talk maybe, but not now. Our mutual girlfriend has been out with her the past few nights and reassured me W is confused, but has not been doing anything wrong. I didn;t ask her if W had been wearing rings, can't put her into that position. I'm going to suck it up like a big boy and let it slide for now. Can't sweep it away though, just take the 48 hours to figure a better approach.
It hurts, a lot, I can't lie.

[EAA]

Yes, it does hurt. If you bring it up to her, it will hurt worse, I promise you. If you bring it up and she still won't wear them, where does that leave you? Be smart here. Remember how we talked about how you just have to do it? Read DR again. It's hard and it sucks. I know...Trust me. If you bring it up to her, you are asking for disaster, and then how will you feel about your actions? Don't be tempted. Just know that letting it go is the thing to do. If she wears them around you, you're doing better than me. My W won't wear them at all. If she remembers to wear them around you, then that means she's thinking of your feelings. She's trying not to hurt you more. Let her have that. It may be small, but it's something.

EAA

[Nugget]

I will back up testify to what Willing NJ H stated above to snooping. My wife had used my desk top computer in my home office to view her emails and left the email program open. I have/had no reason to mis-trust my wife or believe she was up to something behind my back. But, I went beyond my better judgment, even after saying in my head "Don't do it!" and proceeded to snoop. Needless to saw I saw a few emails between my wife and her friend about 2 different guys. One had a picture of a guy attached (my wife sent the picture to her friend) and they were casually commenting back and forth about his looks. And the other was an email about a guy who had texted my wife to see if she would like to go out with him. Well, I sat and stewed over these two different emails for about two hours. Then I printed the picture of the guy and went up stairs and handed it to my wife and walked away. I approached her again about 15 mins later and started to grill her about the emails. Long story short. THe picture of the guy was a picture of the boyfriend of one of their other friends and my wife was just forwarding the picture. The guy that had texted her to go out, did want to go out, but she says she told him she was not interested in going out, because she was married and not interested.

Needless to say my over reaction to these emails "MY SNOOPING" and thinking the worst and putting my own spin on things. Lead to my recent separation a little over 4 weeks ago.

Point is, don't snoop unless you are prepared for the worse and make sure you are ready to deal with it. I wish I never, never would have snooped. I have had the chance a few times since, but I learned my lesson the first time.

[dlt1]

Thanks all, A somewhat good night's sleep has settled me a bit more. I can't help but think about the fact that she has been out bearly every night for the past week or so. The end of our 30 days is this weekend and we are set to talk and reevaluate. To me, I see it as she has let go, and this will be it. I see teh good things, C (but she says it's for her more than the M), been getting along great the limited times we've been together.
But that's all I got. I just have to shoot for more time and let her have fun. Hope she will stop avoiding our R. This weekend could be my last chance, so I am really preparing to let all my feelings out. Our biggest problem has been protecting each other by holding back our feelings. Me all the time, and W the past 2 months. I know she is confused, so I need to feed that to convince her more time is warranted to sort things out.
She never called me last night. I doubtshe will today either with work, and then I have things after work on Thursdays. Should I call her Friday, or just wait til Sunday? I want to know what's in her head and if we still have a chance for a future. She is all I think about. My Act As IF is waning.

[dlt1]

I succumbed to my weakness and stopped by the house. The rings are still there and W is at work. I actually feel a sense of relief that I know the truth. I don't know why she sn;t wearing them. I realize it does not have to mean she has given up. I know she is confused. We avoided R talk the last 3 weeks, so wonder if she takes that as me doing same old thing, though I was giving her the space she wanted. I have to talk to her about that this weekend. Going to target 4 months extension, hopefully back in the house, but at least more contact and set R times to talk a bit, aside from 'date' times when we just have a good time. Today I can do nothing, so why go over the what if's? I will try to go back over diff sitch's and see what else I can pick up. I am definitely in a free fall on the coaster.