don't know if affair still going on

[rysmom]

i found out about my husband having the affair about 2 months ago, affair going on at least 10 months. I found out 2 days after I asked him to leave. A week later I begged him to move back and he agreed. He was home about 1 month but I kept asking him about affair and would have panic attacks when he left for work in the morning not knowing if he was going to meet her. He couldnt take it any more and moved back to his apartment. He has been there for about 2 weeks now and me and my 13 year old son really miss him. I havent been calling him asking where he is like I use to for the past week. I am trying the 180 degree technique and it seem to be working.When he calls at night sometimes he sounds sad. Im hoping that he's missing us. During the day though he's busy with work and seems happy, I hate that. it is just difficult to have patience and not get angry. He kisses me when he comes over and when he leaves. But sometimes I think hes just stringing me along.
W-47
H-49
S-13
Married-19years
Together-29years

[RedHeadWife]

You need to immediately get some books: "After the Affair" and especially "Divorce Remedy."

If you want to work your M out, even though H had an A, you need to start DB'ing like crazy. It seems you still have *hope* that he wants to work things out.

I think at the point where you are, you probably could talk to him. In fact, I think you should tell him that you want to work your M out. NO BEGGING, PLEADING, etc. Just tell him that you are dealing w/ and working through emotions, etc. because of his A, but want to get your M back on track.

Figure out what you did or did not do to get your M to where it was. Work on you and changing things positively. Obviously, he CHOSE to have an A, it was NOT YOUR FAULT. You did not force him into it or anything along those lines. However, if there are things you can change for the better, than do that.

Work on yourself. Figure out what you want for you. Make him see what he would be losing.

Go to the library TODAY and get Divorce Remedy and take it to heart. It works, trust me!

[rysmom]

Cadesmom thank so much for your reply. I have the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books which I read everyday.I also talked to Laurie Chapin one of the Divorce Busting counselors on Wednesday. She had alot of good advice. She told me not to call him anymore or not to invite him over for 1 week. She also said dont say anything that is not going to make the marriage better.

I know I have to go out and get my own life but I find this difficult. because I am a shy person and my husband was my whole life.I know this wasnt good. I dont have many friends either. I plan on going back to school and getting a part time job, full time when my son goes back to school.I know I need to stay busy or I get depressed about the situation and find it difficult to be happy when H comes over.

How is your marriage going? What is your situation?

[RedHeadWife]

I know I sometimes feel like I have absolutely no life besides my H, my M and my boys. I have 3 boys, ages 7, 3 and 1. My H is actually deployed for a year right now, so I'm by myself. I'm not necessarily shy, but I'm not your typical "chicky-chick" and don't necessarily "bond" w/ other girls very well. I don't have a lot of friends either besides the other women at work, as H is military and it's hard to "network." Sometimes I feel like a totally different person while I'm at work. A lot more "confident."

Anyway, my H dropped the D bomb back in January. He was deadset for a D. I didn't realize he was so unhappy or that D was even an option for us. He's had numerous A's, mostly EA's, and another EA during the D sitch.

He actually went to a D lawyer on about March 23, and then things got *ok* in early April. He was only home for about a month after things started getting better before he had to leave. I just never gave up. I heard the "I love you as the mother of my children and as a person, but that's it," etc.

I finally got over the "mom complex" and became a sex goddess and realized how much I truly loved him and still found him so very attractive. Things had gone downhill for a long time after I started having the boys. I didn't know who I was anymore and was therefore very unhappy. I truly did become the "angry, tired & bitter" person he said he saw when he looked at me back then.

I'm still trying to work on myself. I still need to find myself & figure out who I am now and learn to love me for me. That's very hard. It's hard to GAL w/ 3 little boys.

I agree w/ your C that you need to let him go a little bit and allow him to see that you don't necessarily NEED him and that he could actually lose you if he doesn't figure it out pretty quick, but you also don't necessarily want him to think that you are done and don't want to work things out.

Hopefully you can meet some people when you go back to school. Also, what about moms of your son's friends?

Hope you are feeling ok today. I know it's very, very hard. I had a hard time not being angry about EVERYTHING when my sitch was going on. It's all you think about, but you have to try to stay positive.

Just make sure that, if and when you 2 do talk about your R/M, you don't beg, plead, act as if you can't live w/o him. You truly could. I understand now, w/ H gone, that I COULD live w/o him if I had to. I know I would feel differently if he was actually here in town & living elsewhere and headed for a D, but I know I would survive. I understand, though, how difficult it is.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I guess I didn't tell the end of my story. H left and now realizes how much he truly does love me & the boys. He constantly tells me how much he misses me, etc. I am going over there late August to visit & then he gets to come home for a month in December. He comes home for good in May. I know the time will fly, but sometimes it's hard. Ok, very hard, but I'm surviving.

I actually had the "chance" to have an A just recently. That had never happened before, but I realized that I had worked my A$$ off to save my M, I surely wasn't going to do anything now to mess it up. I have no desire to "get back" at H for his A's. It did make me feel good to realize that other men find me attractive. I guess I hadn't seen or felt that way and then w/ what happened w/ the D sitch, my confidence was really low. It's hard, after years of M, not to see your H as "just your H," but the effort to keep things "alive" and "exciting" is worth it. I never realized how much effort it really does take to keep the M/R alive, especially after kids, but it takes work, along w/ everything else in your life. But, it's well worth it! I'm much happier now too.

[NeedSomePatience]

Dawn, it is going to take all of the strength inside of you to not think about this situation constantly, but you have to do it. We have all been in that boat, constantly thinking about your sitch will drive you crazy. You will have great days where you tell yourself that you can detach and you will be alright. But then the thoughts creep back in. Stay positive, and when you fell like calling your H and begging or just talking, come on this board. Vent to us. Let him come to you, don't pursue him. It seems like that is the wrong thing to do, but if there is hope then H will reach out to you. All you can do is control how you react to this, so work on yourself. I know this is difficult since you have not had your H out of your life for so many years. You can do it. Read many of the successful sitches on this board and that can give some positive thoughts, which we all need. I know I kind of rambled on, hope it helps.