Here is how my counselor described it. Think of it as a bill collector. The collector keeps calling, but you don't have any money. Maybe some day you will, but right now, talking to the collector just reminds you how much your just not making it right now. You tell the collector, hey, I have no money, and I don't know when I will, I'll let you know when I do. The collector calls the next day, several times a day.
Do you want to talk to the collector? Hell no. You just told that guy that you can't do anything right now. But no, he is going to call anyway as if you can make money magically appear. All that is happening now is you are getting frustrated and pissed off. The collector is just doing his job, it is your debt, but there is nothing you can do about it right now. You might be trying, and you might not. One thing is for sure, you have nothing to say that the collector wants to hear. The collector is going to keep offering alternatives, pay this or pay that. But you can't. So this just keeps adding to your guilt, every time you talk to the collector, it just makes you feel worse because you can't give the collector what he wants right now, and maybe never will be able to.
After while what happens?
You start avoiding his calls. Maybe you change your number. Maybe you let it go to voicemail. Maybe if you answer, you just say what he wants to hear so he will leave you alone.
Eventually, if the pressure is too great, you declare bankruptcy. You don't want to, but it's a way of escape at least from this pressure. Now the collector can't call any longer. The problems still exist but at least there is some temporary relief.
Yea, that's a great one, except for a few key issues you are overlooking: 1) You never made a vow in front of your loved ones and God that you would be committed to the bill collector's happiness and welfare for life, for better or worse of his behavior 2) the bill collector just wants the money, no matter how rude you are or selfish you are 3) you are offering the most unselfish gift and wonderful gift in life (your own love) and honoring the original commitment while the bill collector (spouse on the run) is running over your feelings, playing games with your trust, telling mutual friends and family things you don't even know about while you try to guess what they are thinking, and handing your chopped up heart back to you on a paper plate, while you are waiting faithfully, reading self-help books, looking inward and looking for any sign, no matter how small to give you clarity on the very issues your bill collector (spouse) is too busy hiding from you as they run amok creating destruction in their wake. But still, you hang in there, holding onto what you know is right and good, forgiving them for insulting the very love you have offered them unselfishly as your heart lies on the floor in a pool of your own vomit. Would you do that for a bill collector? I sure would not. Yet, here I am holding on to that last ounce of hope that my spouse actually has the ability to be accountable to our vows.
