I'm still new at this and already have gotten tons of great advice-I hope someone can help. It's been a month since my H's EA was busted by the OW's husband-and I found out I was pregnant(we had been trying for a year-me not knowing about the EA until it was too late), my H has told me he's not in love w/ me anymore-he had such a 'connnection' w/ the OW. The EA is over (the OW & her H both assure me-plus my H knows if it's not he will never see this baby).Now he feels like he needs to stay for the baby's sake (coming in January) and wants our M to work out but doesn't think it will-he has no clue how he'll ever have feelings for me again. He's giving us a deadline-if we haven't fixed things by next May-he's gone. Yet he's doing nothing to fix things. Sure that seems like a decent amount of time but I feel like the pressure is really on-especially since I know life will get crazy once our 1st child comes-my emotions are already a wreck! I am considering phone cons. w/ DB but want to make sure I've done all that I can before I get there. I have my emotions in check now and he's been somewhat nicer-we can actually carry on short conversations but no affection whatsoever. I am spending time w/ friends; making my own decisions; organizing. here's what I need to know: What do I do to keep things rolling?Do we talk about why this affair happened so we can begin to prevent it again? Anything else?I just feel like i'm sitting back waiting and nothing is changing!
Me/H:27 Married: 3 years
Children: 1 on the way-he had been trying to have a baby w/ me while the EA was going on.
Bomb: 5/6/07-I don't think I have feelings for you anymore. (denied affair) 6/15/07-busted--EA with my best friend.
No, do not sit back & wait. Yes, read "After the Affair" whether H will or not. My H said the same thing -- we went to C 3 times and the 3rd time he said he was done, not willing or even wanting to work things out; he said that "his life long partner should know these things" not get them from a C or books, etc. Anyway, also read the Divorce Remedy book. THAT is where you need to be right now. I understand you are pregnant, hormones, etc. That sucks, but what you are going to need to do if you want to save your M is be very conscious of what you are doing, saying, acting like, etc.
In my sitch, H was deadset on D. He was still living in the house, as he was about to be deployed for a year and wanted to be w/ the boys until he was gone. So, I acted "as if" nothing was wrong.
The most important thing, and you will hear it over & over again, but it so true, is that you need to look at yourself and focus on you. Look at what you can change; look at what you may have done or not done to get your M to where it is and change those things. You must make sure though that they are lasting changes. My H was skeptical at first, thought that the changes would not last, but thawed when he realized that it was for real.
I made sure I looked really good all the time instead of changing into real casual clothes when I got home from work & immediately putting my hair up. I kept my hair down, I stayed looking nice -- FOR HIM.
I started staying up even when I was tired and TALKED to him. What do we have in common besides the kids? I talked to him about his interests, his day at work, etc. I made time for us to watch a movie together after the boys went to bed on weekends instead of just going to bed myself.
I heard the "I only love you as the mother of my children and as a person and nothing else." I told him Bullsh*t and went on. I heard many, many mean & ugly things. It has taken awhile to "get over" that and I still think about some things, but have to not dwell on it.
My H had numerous A's, mostly EA's, won't go into details, but the last was an EA during our D sitch. I still wonder about her and if he's talking to her, but he has told me he wants me and only me, so that's what I believe. He knows it cannot happen again.
Honestly, I thought my sitch was hopeless. I thought he was deadset on D and he was. He went & talked to a L w/o my knowledge on around March 23 and then things all of a sudden started being 'ok' around the 1st of April. I still don't know what exactly changes his mind. It probably was not one thing in particular.
Another thing, I never got mad and screamed and yelled. (of course this was after the initial begging & pleading, but I stopped that as well). I think this made a big difference.
I know this is long, but I feel for you and I'm just telling you what I did and giving you ideas and telling you that it can work out. It did for me and now H is deployed for a year, but I know he wants ME and that's what matters.
Just show your H how much you truly love HIM and only him. Show affection, compassion, support, encouragement, etc. JUST LOVE HIM and don't quit. He will notice and know it's for real.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
First of all. I don't know how easy it is to divorce-bust while you are pregnant.
To be honest, to give you a "deadline" while you are pregant with his baby is, frankly, in my opinion, obscene.
He deserves to be horsewhipped for putting any pregnant woman through that. You don't need that kind of anxiety while you are carrying a baby.
I think you should read the Divorce Remedy. And then book 3 sessions with a DB coach.
I think the basic keys are:
1. Don't pursue or chase him or try to get him to work on the relationship. It will only make him pull away.
2. Be kind to yourself -- you are pregnant.
3. Do things for you. Have fun, get a life, as they say.
4. Take this time to find yourself. Do things a little unusual. Pick some hobbies that will consume your mind and attention.
5. Honey, I hate to break this to you: you don't NEED a man who will abandon a mother with a 5 month old baby (in May). It's purely disgusting. Setting a deadline like that is pure evil. I hope this thought helps you to detach a bit. Maybe he will change into a real man
Theo: I've seen A LOT of this on these Boards. It's crazy to me too. I can't imagine a H deciding to have an affair or decide he wants a D while W is pregnant, but it seems, from what I have seen, it happens all too often. I don't want jtodd to think she's the only one.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It is sad, but I think Cades is right...it happens too much. My H and I had been trying to get pregnant 3 years when he started his A. We had a failed IVF procedure one month before the A, and I actually went to a financial consult for our second IVF during the week H was out of town and met OW. I think my H didn't deal with life's challenges and turned to an A to ease the pain....looks like he caused more.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I'm going to try to see this from your H's point of view. He got caught up in this EA, and he starts thinking your M won't last. Then his new soul mate gets ripped from him, and he is told he will be a father, at the same time.
The baby is very real for you right now, but for him (esp. since it is his 1st) it is a very abstract concept, and not an attractive one. Guys can imagine crying babies and smelly diapers and no sex. Imagining that they will love this tiny person so much is more difficult.
He recognizes his responsibility. And so, despite his feelings or lack thereof, he is committing himself to you and the baby for another 10 months. Don't think of it as a deadline, think of it as a minimum guarantee. He has no expectation that it will work out, but he will stick it out for that long.
You can expect the baby to make things much better or much worse between the two of you. He will either step up, and realize the benefits of parenthood, or he will resent every inconvenience and change in his lifestyle. If its the latter, then he will be marking time till May.
I'm certainly not suggesting that you sit idly by and wait for the baby. You two had some kind of problem before the EA, and certainly you need to work on that. Read DR, talk to a coach, get him into MC if you can. Hopefully your R will be on the mend by the time your baby comes.
I just wanted to point out that since the EA was "busted" by OWH, rather than H's choice, he is still grieving that loss. It will take a while before he can be expected to be upbeat and positive about his family.
Book a Retrouvaille weekend. You both say you want to fix the marriage. Then do it. http://www.retrouvaille.org. They are everywhere and it works. What are you waiting for?
I sure hope she's not your best friend anymore, but that sucks, "losing" your best friend and your H at the same time. However, your H is the one you need to work w/ to get your M back if that's what you decide.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
