I've been intermittently here, and somehow I missed out on replying to you...
I know you held out, but your W. moved fast! Is she any happier?
Well, she did move fast and there was a reason for that. Is she happier? I don't know, and won't unless she ever decides to contact me. I hope she found what she was looking for and can be happy, though.
you've got a Ph.D and were going to publish some stuff a while back?
Yep. We published last October on one project and have another paper submitted right now. The wheels keep turning, though sometimes I'm not exactly sure how.
and I believe I am too.
No doubt there.
Are you seeing nayone?
Casually, though I recently had the pleasant experience of the let's just be friends speech from someone I was getting a little attached to.
I guess the possibility of being alone on holidays, weekends, etc. is still pretty overwhelming to me.
I have the opposite problem - namely, I could almost be completely comfortable being agoraphobic were it not for the desire for a feeling of connectedness. Odd how I could be perfectly at ease with what you are overwhelmed by, and presumably vice versa.
until she snapped into the unfulfilled angry stage, which I could not figure out.
It's difficult to interpret the anger and unhappiness with everything: my driving, which container I put food away in, where I put dishes after I unloaded the diswasher...that's how it went for at least 3-4 years.
But again, you never really know what's going on in someone else's head, and chances are the roots for this behavior on her part were laid a long time ago. Probably has nothing (OK, a little) to do with you, you're just the nearest, most convenient target.
It's easier now, because I don't have to face that every day. Believe me...being in Iraq IS EASIER THAN THE DRAG I FELT AT HOME.
That second sentence says a lot. Wow.
You have to worry about yourself. I tend to agree that I'll be a far different person when I return home from Iraq.
Good for you. And I hope you can continue taking care of you.
Stay safe,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Good to hear from you. so, how is the dating scene. This would be much easier for me if we had not kids. It tears my heart out twht this will do to them. The rest of their lives they will have to live with this. I do agree with you, and COG, who first threw it out. My W. is not emotionally all there. I agree that her bahavior has a little, not a lot to do with me.
She found out that her college boyfriend was sleeping with one of her friends, and proceeded to throw all of his early belongings out the second floor of his dormitory room 25 years ago! She has dated guys old enough to be her father, and is currently weirdly attracted to her boss, who by all outward appearances is a happily married 65 year old attorney.
A friend of mine that I wored with once told me "I've never seen anything like it" Hugely insecure covered over by being an absolute steamroller. I can't control it. I really need to work on me, and that's going pretty well. Time and distance...in this case a few thousand miles are really helping. Stop by gain, bud. It's good to hear from you. A guy with a Ph.D who's published stuff....you'll find happiness again, my firend. You're too good of a person.
Posting as much for escape as advice these days. I can only concentrate on Improvised Explosive devices for 15 hours at a time!
Staying here in the Cradle of Civilization, I have a LOT of time to think, which is a GREAT thing in a lot of ways, but in others, not so much
Just wondering if any of you have had similar feelings like me?
I often picture pictures of my kids from when they were small, at the beach, at Disneyland, my son at the Truck Museum, when we were all together. It just overwhelms me with sadness. I'm not sure I can ever look at those pictures again. I picture their toys when they were small or us just playing on the swings...it just kills me. I can see my attic thousand of miles away where my W.s wedding dress is stored along with my daughter's dolls, etc...just so painful.
I know the answer...you can create new memories..etc, etc, etc...., but I can't be the only one who feels this way. The sadness about that never goes away.
I know how you feel, FLTC! It's one of the reasons I fought so hard for my M. I feel, though, that if a M does end, we should just remember the good times, and cherish them, not try and forget it. Even if we stay married, our kids grow up and we think back to their little toys, or activities spent together, and we miss them so much as our little kids (I am going through this at the moment). I think the sadness of it does lessen in time.
Kids grow up, marriages end/start, new lives begin, there are births/deaths, laughter, sadness, and so forth .... these are all the fabric of life that makes up the patchwork of our lives. It's accepting change, while remembering the good in the past, and seeking better in the future, and living in the present, that will allow us to move on in one way or another.
Vasbyt out there! Hope I made sense!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I do the same thing.. I remember everything !.. I wake up in the middle of the night .. thinking about something or some other time.. No way to stop it.. and it is a good thing actually. It tells me that life goes on even R's dont !?
Actually the sadness about the kids is worse before the D, because after you see that they will survive, adapt, move on. Mine are actually doing so well, I can hardly believe it. Grades are staying up, we are talking about vacations together next year, the holidays coming up, etc. In some ways they have handled this better than I have. They play and have fun in my new house, rough house and screw around just like normal. Even in the quiet times they are not really sad anymore. They do wish their mother wasn't such a, well, how she is, but they know they can't change her.
Reminds me of a story of a guy in NYC riding the subway home sitting next to a sad looking dad who had several kids just running and screaming out of control in the subway car. The guy says to the dad something like, why are you letting your kids act that way and bother everyone in the car. The dad says well, we are going home from the hospital where their mother just passed away, and the way they are acting doesn't strike me as all that bad after what they just went through.
The kids will do better than you think.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
FLTC, You are making me cry. The story you told about those toys. Kids grow up fast enough, but for some reason, separation seems to speed it all up, am I right? I am so sorry about your sitch. I don't know if this is any consolation but you are not alone. Everything will work out fine. Have hope. Keep the faith that youu are a good father. The new memories thing is true! It's true! I am really into Paula Dean , the Southern cook. She is very American and traditional, but she was a single parent with two kids. She showed off her new spouse and talked about all the new recipes she made up for him. I don't know why, but this gave me hope that if it did not work out with my H, maybe I can remmarry in 10-20 years like Paula?? It is never too late to make new traditions! Most of my students are between 7-11 and the general consensus is that they are still "babies" until 4th grade! That makes me so happy because I really wanted to have another baby, but we'll see! For now, I will just enjoy what I got. You will be home soon enough and buying the new cool toys at Target. Look to the future. There is still magic out there.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks for the responses from all of you. I'm glad that I'm not alone in that private hell of being inside my own head with this stuff. I realize all the things that I could have done better in my M. We are all frail human beings with weaknesses and "evil twins"...well, maybe not evil, but sometimes we can all be careless and thoughtless.
As I had lunch with this young Major yesterday who went home on emergency leave because his second wife of one year wanted out, he was filled with remorse and sadness, replaying all he could have done differently. What cmae out is how differently men and women view marriage and goals. Once we get married, as men, we sometimes forget about making our wives feel special, and just search for that next promotion, that next degree....and we forget that our spouse is a "life mate". I'll never make that mistake again.
I bought the CDs called Light Your Fire and it explains how we express love so differently as men and women. It has shown me so many mistakes and misunderstandings that could have been avoided. I even brought that up to my H post separation. I asked him if I kissed him each time he came home from work for ten seconds if it would have made a difference. His answer was "He## yes!" I was shocked because that is an excercise on the CD. Even though I felt love inside my heart he needed evidence through my actions. I am sorry for your friend. I am a military brat and military wife and I see so much of this happening around me right now. People just act like Rs are disposable now without realizing what we know from DR. We can arm ourselves with knowledge, understanding, and compassion for others going through this trial also. Take care, please.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
You're up and writing early. I used to do that too. First stop whenI got up when I was living alone. sometimes I needed it to just make it through the day. I realize that we do speak different languages, but in my ming, marriages are NOT disposable. If you're not having "some need met" it's so easy to just say "Hey, I need...". In my mind, so much of it is SO fixable, if people (like my W.) were not injustice collectors. Don't beat yourslef up. We're all frail huma beings, and we're not mind readers. I'm not convinced if you kissed your husband for 4 hours when he got home and even threw in some other immenities, that he wouldn't be where he is. It's too easy to blame you. We ALL contribute to the disintegration of a M. In my mind....not enough to walk out on two (small) kids.
I often think what if my mom didn't wait for my dad to return from Guadalcanal for 5 years, because she wasn't emotionally satisfied! Emotional needs is so easy once you discover what it was that wasn't being met. Not enough to throw away a commitment, or three kids lives. I still don't buy that THEY ADAPT, especially when they are 8 and older, like my kids. I think they remember so much about being a family, that they are scarred for a long time. I'm not letting your husband (or my wife) off on that one! Take care. Thanks for writng. Always good to here from women on this type of stuff. (Your husband is not still in the military is he?)
