My wife and I have been married 6 years. Like how life goes we have been through tough times and great times. We really havent had serious marriage issues per se. (until now) At times there has been things that we needed to work through and we did. We have been through some tough family and health issues as well together...and grew together from it I thought.
I recently found out my wife came in contact with a old friend she had known before marriage and one thing lead to another and she had a one night stand with him. She claims she has had no contact other than this one night and would never even think about it again
She immediately knew she was wrong from what she told me and even ended up at her mothers house that same night confessing what she had done. She told me the next day
She's ended up moving in with her mother while things are decided. She says she really wants to try and work things out. She tells me she knows what she has done is wrong, immoral, damaging to me, and something she knows I may never forgive her for.
She wants no further contact with this guy and claims she is willing to do what is needed to try and work things out. counseling, talking through it, taking the time and effort to earn my trust back, etc
obviously Im hurt, mad, feeling betrayed, wanting answers to questions that will take much time to get answers for etc..
I dont know how im going to feel months or years from now. I have no idea how I would deal with the fact of what she did. time will tell. Its been too soon for me to possibly know at this point
However, I can honestly say at this point I still care about my wife. even with what has happened - I dont have it in my heart at this moment to just say "screw it" and not try and see if things can be repaired. She tells me she knows she basically screwed every thing up and if I dont even want to talk to her again she knows it was her that screwed this thing.
I know there are no guarantees. I know things may not work out.
We have no kids and I know that I havent been perfect in this marriage thing either (never cheated or anything like that though) yet I know that is no excuse for what she did and I cant blame myself for her action...and dont
I guess im looking to hear from people that have gone through this. Did you work things out? Some people tell me Im wasting my time and some tell me that if you both really...really want to work things out that in time...it may happen. Im feeling I have to go with my gut on this. We've invested so much in a life together that I think its at least worth it to see what can be done
All I can say is I would try if she is willing. My H and I have been married about the same time as you. He has been having an affair since 10/06 and has never given us a real chance to see if we can work things out. He will not get away from OW long enough to even start to think straight. I was willing to forgive him and offer him a second chance, he just wasn't man enough to take it. If you believe that your wife is having no contact with OM, I would definately see if you can salvage your relationship. Like you said you have a lot invested and you still care about her. It is a lot to throw away over one stupid night. I just wish my H acted more like your wife, I might be in a different spot.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Yes from what she claims it was one stupid night and I take some comfort (whatever little I can get right now) in that she didn't try to hide this and even that very night was wanting to rush find support with her family and telling them what happened. She knew she had to tell me as soon as possible as well
We are talking and I saw her again yesterday to talk about bills and things we need to get done. we are going to a counselor hopefully early next week and see how it goes from there.
She seems to know and understand I am upset and hurt. She claims she knows what she did is unacceptable and morally wrong. We both are Christians too and had within the past few months had got back to going to church. She says she knows what she has done is against everything with believe in with our faith as well.
There are some general issues (communication for one) that we needed to work on in general but I and impressing on her that what she did is no excuse for any of that. She says she fully realizes that.
I told her again today that we cant act like everything is fine and there isnt something wrong...even though we both still miss being with each other and want things to return to normal.
I pray she means what she says. I've been with her enough years to believe she isnt a bad person. She did make a terrible mistake (that she isnt trying to hide) that is going to take time to work through
It's going to take time to learn to trust again, however, not making light of it, but it was a one time deal. I would say have her move back in immediately or you may end up w/ her thinking maybe SHE doesn't want to work things out.
If you truly love her, you will be able to deal w/ this and get on with your M. However, like I said, I wouldn't be doing too much blaming, taking your anger out on her, etc., or she may decide it's time to move on. Just my opinion.
Read "After the Affair." If you want to stayed married, start working on it NOW. Don't take a bunch of time feeling like the victim. Yes, it sucks, but coming from some of us that have spouses who DON'T want to work things out, we know what it feels like to want to forgive and work things out, but don't even get the chance.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Cades is right. There are those of us who don't even get the chance to decide. So you're better off than most here. I think she either never really got over this guy or it was a bigger symptom in your M.
Did you take her out prior to this? Dinner, Dancing etc? Have things been a little too routine you think?
Cadesmom-i've enjoyed several of your posts and noticed you mentioned the After the Affair book. I bought it and have been reading through it on my own. My H got busted w/ an EA w/ my best friend so he is still getting over her. For now, he's willing to stay w/ me and says he wants to TRY to work it out since i'm pregnant w/ our 1st child, although he doesn't know how that can happen. Our time together is somewhat more pleasant now(we can talk w/out arguing but no affection) but he acts as if he's mad at me-almost disgusted w/ me. Do I even bother starting this book w/ him even though he doesn't seem willing? I don't wanna push him away-i've been doing well w/ my 180 so far. But at the same time, he sees that nothing is changing & doesn't see how any book or person can help us(he acts as if it's all my fault that our marriage was going bad and that we're not meant to be anyway) and is still feeling hopeless about our M. what do you think? Thanks for your thoughts.
Me/H:27 Married: 3 years
Children: 1 on the way-he had been trying to have a baby w/ me while the EA was going on.
Bomb: 5/6/07-I don't think I have feelings for you anymore. (denied affair) 6/15/07-busted--EA with my best friend.
If your H says he will try because of the child, it sounds to me a clear cut signal that soon after the child is born he might try to make his escape. He needs to figure out if what is outside his relationship with you is more important than you and the kids. If so then you need to give him space because he probably feels like he's smothering to death.
