Below is an email from my wife I received today. I will fill you in a little about out situation...She is 26, I am 33 and after 3 years of marriage she left me last June. We have no children and have since sold our home, and have no reasons to talk anymore. She seems to still be angry, dispite the fact that I have been using DB advice. She actually seems to resent any changes, and I can understand to a point. I am sure she wishes I would have shown these changes before. My only contact with her has been an occasional text message to say hello, or a phone call to say the same. I have not tried to discuss "us" for probably 9 months. I have thought I should just move on and I am ready to do so, but I just feel that this anger she feels may go away if I was able to have her open up to counseling. I really feel like she doesn't even realize that. PLease read the email and give me any feedback you can....I am running out of time it seems. Thank you.
You may (or your lawyer) have gotten a letter in the mail from St. Mary's County court house stating that we have a court date of 8/13. I know your sent a response stating that you are not going to appear, but I thought I'd update you anyway. I am going to see a lawyer on the 25th to make sure I have all of this straight so that it will go through. I may have to re-file. I don't know if the court date will change or not. I just wanted you to know because your lawyer will probably be getting a second set of paperwork in the mail again. You still don't need to appear, I will make sure everything goes through.
Please do not call or text me anything that does not involve any immediate legal issues in relation to the divorce. I do not want to talk to you. I do not think we are going to be friends. Too much has gone on that I am still mad and upset over. You were a mean person to me and criticized everything I did, said, etc. Why would I discuss my new life with you? I am very happy right now. You need to be happy with you and shouldn't need me to acknowledge that you've "changed". I lost a lot more in this than you will ever understand. The only reason I am over all of those things is because I know that my life now is the life I was supposed to have. You have wonderful friends and family, I'm sure they will be there for you. You do not need to call me for anything. No more text messages or emails either please.
Do what she says. stay out of her life. dont try to contact her At All, for anything other than required legal matters.
you are not running out of time. you dont have any time to begin with. there is no way you will "fix" anything before your divorce.
if you really want to "recover" your marriage, you may want to read up stuff about people who have done so after divorce.
But by the looks of things just in this letter, IF that were even possible.. it would take years to do.
Any deeper kind of suggestions for you, are impossible, as you give no details of what issues she has with you. I even tried to scan a few of your prior posts.. and again, found no details of what problems there are between you.
For some reason, I have the feeling that you were a bad husband, you dont want to admit it here, but still want advice on "how to get your wife back".
Things dont work that way.
Contrariwise.. she's only 26. it is also possible that she was a bad wife, and is too immature to actually be married.
again.. i dont know. because you have posted no details.
if you really want detailed help/advice for you, I suggest you make a HIGHLY DETAILED post about your history.. no interpretations, just FACTS... about what you both have done in your marriage. Then add a link to your post, in your signature.
[My Stuff -> My Profile , signature area is at the bottom.]
Last edited by Dom R; 07/18/0705:22 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Details are tough to provide believe it or not. I came to a Dear John letter in June 06' She said I was angry all the time, overbearing and she also said that she felt she had nothing left to give. My response to her words to me are that she was right. Work stressed me out, I found some relief in going out on our boat. That pulled us further apart as she disliked the expense of that as well. Since the time she left, she has never wanted to speak about our relationship, and instead only about our seperation and pending divorce. She has a lot of anger inside that she never let out, and I was really unaware of the effects my actions had on her. I have follwed the DB principles and after much coaching, nothing has changed. I have burned no bridges with her and said nothing out of anger or frustration to her for the last year. I have agreed with her each step of the way. At this point, I still have trouble accepting that our marriage will soon be over and there was never a sit down talk or on the phone about our relationship. I have not pushed for one, and have been waiting for her to open up. I am all ears. I just wish I could get her to open up and let the anger out. I really feel that is the only way to heal. Maybe than our marriage can be saved. But as I mentioned one of the only things she mentioned was my being critcal, overbearing; the last thing I want to do is push...I just want her to stop running. To be more specific about being critical as an example, she felt things were my way or the highway. I know that her email says no response, but I was hoping I could come up with the words for one last email to tell her about how I have grown the last year with much counseling. And to keep the lines of communication open. My personal life has been great and in truth I have not been pursuing R I just want to keep communications open and for her to know that if she wants to talk about anything including hurt or anger I am ready to listen. She is a wonderful person and I feel so much guilt but I know that things could be great if only she would believe. Any thoughts?
Yes I have thought that would be the best action. I find myself putting so much thought into these words as they could really be the last words I write to her.
I guess another thought I had was to send her my copy of Michele's book,along with a short note. What do I have to lose that I haven't already lost?
Dude, that's what i thought too, and you can lose more. Don't give her anything. I made the mistake of giving my wife an anniversary gift and it blew up in my face - she took it as me being aggressive. Of course that's not how I intended it, but that's how she took it, even though it was just some nice little things that I know she'd like.
just say those few simple words, mean it, and move forward. anything else will be pursuing and she won't like it. Believe me.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
If you really mean it just tell her you'll respect her wishes and tell her you'll be there for her.
what else can you do?
This is the best advice. She does not trust you, but I am sorry, she sounds like she still cares. Someone who does not give a hoot would not write like that. It is like a plea for attention. What is that about? Just respond that you are glad that she came into your life. That will put the focus on the original love from your past. Put yourself out there with no ego and say you will always be there for her. Do not pursue her. DBing takes a lot of patience. I do not want to give you false hope but I have said all those things to my H and now I am the one DBing! I still wish my H would leave me alone and go away from the kids and me so that I can heal. I want my old H back but I have no idea where he went. She may be going through that confusion too.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
If you really mean it just tell her you'll respect her wishes and tell her you'll be there for her.
what else can you do?
This is the best advice. She does not trust you, but I am sorry, she sounds like she still cares. Someone who does not give a hoot would not write like that. It is like a plea for attention. What is that about? Just respond that you are glad that she came into your life. That will put the focus on the original love from your past. Put yourself out there with no ego and say you will always be there for her. Do not pursue her. DBing takes a lot of patience. I do not want to give you false hope but I have said all those things to my H and now I am the one DBing! I still wish my H would leave me alone and go away from the kids and me so that I can heal. I want my old H back but I have no idea where he went. She may be going through that confusion too.
I really wish I had answers to more specific questions, but other than what I have already mentioned she hasn't opened up about things. I can say the money we spent on a boat she didn't like was a problem, there were times I didn't want to go out with her friends, and that was a problem. She felt I micromanaged money spent. She worked hard and felt that was not fair. All of those things are legit. I was using those things as therapy for being stressed about work, and life in general. Now that I have spent a year understanding and adapting a positive way of dealing with everyday situations I feel much better. But I feel the impact of my previous actions and perhaps something I don't even know have effected her greatly. Through her email it seems that she was wanting to open up about her pain but just won't. The last thing I am going to do is push. Of course complcating this entire things is another man. What kind of man seeks a sad wife and pushes to break up a marriage and family. Maybe I shouldn't go there. I just hope for one more chance to show the man she fell in love with.
Yeah. Nail it to her front door with a knife LOL! Sorry to make light of your sitch. But, whatever you did before you really pissed her off. All you can do is give her space for now. Wait until the storm blows over then try making contact as a friend. Anything now she might get a restraining order. You know her better then any of us on this board. Do her words carry any weight or does she have a history of making empty threats? Cause if she's serious she's SERIOUS! If you DB your way out of this one Michelle should be coming to u for advice. Nothing wrong with trying though. If it's meant to be it will be.
Nothing wrong with trying though. If it's meant to be it will be.