Ok...another thread lock. Don't know how to link a thread, but don't think anything major happened on the last one!
Yesterday was the 20 year anniversary of our 1st date (we were 16). I was down and did a lot of reflecting. Those were great years for us. But we were kids.
So, I am thinking a lot about what I am feeling. It's confusing for me right now. I wonder if I love him anymore. I do in some ways, but I just don't know.
And, could I ever trust him again? I'm working on forgiving. Can I ever look at him w/anything but pain? Can I really build a future w/him when so much has happened b/w us?
I guess I'm questioning myself. What do I want? I know it's not a simple question and I can't make a decision today. But, it's just been a very emotional week for me. And....I just don't like him at all right now. That's hard.
On a good note....
drywaller called me and will be at the new house next week! Windows should go in by the end of July, too! Maybe this is what I need. I feel trapped in this house and really want my own place. I hope that will help me think clearer.
How is everyone today???
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Yay! Your place is coming along and soon you will be so bus redecortaing and focusing on you, that you can set aside some of the issues that are bothering you.
In time...it is all going to work out. Just keep doing what your doing......cuz your doing great! Nothing wrong with questioning our feelings towards the WAS/MLC'er as the longer the are gone, the stronger we become the less we feel the need to have someone back that has been the cause of so much pain.
But we have to remember there used to be so much love there also.
Awful sitch to be in.......to do or not to do.
Happy Wednesday
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Hi BamBam- That is so exciting about your drywaller. Yippee!!! Will that help move up your (revised) move in date? It sounds like the move is something you need. I had a C appointment yesterday and he told me that my move was such a postive thing for me and showed how much I am moving forward (unlike H). I really love my new house, but it can be a little overwhelming at times...especially when I am here alone.
Anniversaries are tough. It seems like we can't help but reflect back. I understand completely what you are saying about the trust issues. You can forgive them, but can you ever forget? Can we ever trust anyone in the same way again? To me, trust is something earned. If you choose to work things out with your husband, in the perfect (non-MLC) world, he should try to re-earn your trust...but MLC really throws a wrench into that equation doesn't it? It is like if we, the LBS's, really want to hold our marriage together, we have to suck it all up and accept what we get until the MLCer gets through this. It may be hardest thing you will ever do in your life but you have 3 very good reasons to try to hold your marriage together...your kids. I would have walked across hot coals or broken glass to have kept my family (my first marriage) together because I knew that was what was in the best interest of my children. I held on for almost 2 years and I have no guilt, no regrets. I know I gave it all I had. My counselor tells me that he thinks I need to continue to fight for my current marriage so, I know I have exhausted all hope and can be free of guilt if it doesn't work out. As you tell me, take the focus of your husband. You have plenty going on in your life to keep you busy. Keep moving forward and hopefully he will catch up.
Hey BB...those are legit ques as you go thru this process. I went thru the same thing and range of feelings. You will not like him very well....you will question your love the anger will swell and then you will let go of it. I reached a place where i let go of the anger and then peace came to me and is when i was able to be still That is when my H started to think about everything. Its your journey as well.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi sweets ....just got back - we had a great time, kids and Inlaws and I loved Disneyland Paris and we all laughed talked and had a wonderful time !! I will miss them, they are lovely people....like me, hurting for their son !!
I know how you hurt....feel the same...we'll get through this ok !?! I missed you !! Love always xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hi Bam. Sorry to hear you are down, but these things happen. What is great though is that you are sticking to your path and walking vigorously down that path. AS for all the questions, in tine, they will be answered.
Yea me!!!! I do, I do, I do!!!!!!! I call H Disneyland Dad b/c all he manages to do is fun, fun, fun w/the kids! ick
Thanks for the encouraging words guys. Today I am angry which really pi**es me off!
H worked from 2pm to 8pm yesterday. I called and discussed kids w/him and he had to be at my mom's today at 6:30am (he and some guys are re-siding her barn - in the works for a year and my mom adores H, even tho she wants to kick him in the a@@ right now). He said it was probably a good idea kids just stay w/me. I told him I was probably going to take them to the county fair.
Kay...at 8:08 he called my cell. I was talking to some people, so didn't answer. Called back about 20 minutes later and left msg that we were at fair and kids would call when we left.
At around 9:45 we left and D8 called him and left msg. No big deal, right? WRONG. He left a msg at home machine:
"Hey, it's me. It's a little after 8 and I'm on my way home. Just wanted to call and let you know I was still alive. Seems like maybe you forgot you had a dad. Maybe I'll talk to you tomorrow or maybe not."
WTF????? After hearing this, S11's (twins) kind of rolled their eyes and said "Why does he do that?". But, D8 was upset. She cried herself to sleep and talked about everything BUT her dad being crazy. She never said that had anything to do w/her breakdown. But right before she fell asleep she said "Please don't tell daddy."
I hate him today. I was going to call and leave a msg for him, but didn't. No point. I'm just going to ignore him. I will find ways to protect kids from that sh**. I will turn off answering machine so he cannot leave msgs.
He isn't mean. Just having a pity party for himself and, quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
Just venting. I saw a lot of people last night and it was fun. For the first time in my life, people talk to ME. It has always been about us or "Your H is so crazy" blah, blah, blah. Last night it was just me. I had lots of compliments about how good I looked. It was fun.
So, hope everyone is doing well.
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
I like that! 
