What if you get disgusted? Then what?

[mkultra]

I walk around being positive at work. You would never guess I have problems in my marriage. No, I am all smiles at swim camp and Brownies. Forgive me, but this is the only place for me to journal my truly negative thoughts about my H as I am still DBing, for now.

What happens after the point of disgust? I see a man who does not look like my H. Classic MLC stuff right. But it is starting to disgust me. I know my lack of respect is why we had the majority of problems so I tried to 180 with respect and shifting my thoughts but how can I have sympathy for someone like this? He is not even communicative or honest?

There are many reasons why I have lost my attraction to him that are associated with his MLC, so I may hang there for a while. I think our separation has moved to a more serious point. I am truly disgusted by my kids Dad and that is a big obstacle to my DBing efforts.

[Dr.mom]

Oh Mk, we need to talk. Like I said before, I just got back from spending 3 days at a retreat with my estranged husband. He made me physically sick. All I could do was feel sorry for him, feel pity.

He is obsessed with his looks, with working out. Can't have a conversation about anything other than other people's appearances. He talks about his looks, his work-out, his diet, MY looks (thank god I finally lost 30 pounds), my diet, how "gross" I was, how poorly I ate. It was awful. I just let him spew . . . .

He started making comments about other people at the retreat. One woman was, um, rather large, and he kept going off about how much overweight people "angered" him. How he got upset when he saw people smoking, how he was mad a fat people, and the message that gave their kids. This is not new behavior, he has commented on people like this for years, their weight, etc.

I just pitied him. I used it as an opportunity to humble him, to show him how ADULT, COMPASSIONATE people think.

After he commented about the fat lady, I just said "Some people wear their pain on the inside, some wear it on the outside. She must have a lot of pain, and that saddens me".

Again the next day he conveys his disgust about her weight, about how she will probably never live long enough to see her kids grow up, etc.

I commented back "You know, that hatred you have is doing nothing for you". He said "Yeah, I can't get it out of my head".

I said, why don't you just "send her love and hope" in your mind. Who knows, maybe her marriage made her fat, maybe she just started at the gym last week an already LOST 5 pounds. Maybe she is waiting to save up that last couple hundred for her stomach-stapling surgery (we had a friend that did this, lost 220 pounds and has a whole new life). Maybe she is already ON her way to getting healthy. Why don't you look at it THAT WAY?

That shut him up.

Anyway. It made me not even want to be associated with him. I was embarrassed he was my spouse.

But it is his cry for help. I can't help him, I can't change him, but I can set an example. He is gonna have to help himself.

All I can do is change me, and how I participate in the world.

(but it makes "detaching" easier, and I NEED to do that right now) Maybe it is the "natural evolution of things".

[mkultra]

I love your attitude. Isn't funny that we are seeing sides of them that would never have attracted us to them? Do they feel safe to show their dark sides because they have seen our unconditional love?

I have been thinking about the natural evolution of this separation. I remember how my H had no sympathy when I became depressed. He said, "You are where I was three months ago." He is always a step ahead of me. Now he stares at me and I can barely make eye contact with him. This is a real reversal. I am really seeing what a stranger he is in front of our friends and family. Yes, detaching is much easier. Did he plan that too?

My H's weight loss is considered underweight on the body mass index. He no longer fits into men's size extra small. He continues to run with his shirt off. I admit I am embarrassed when he lays out while the kids are at swim camp. No other parent does this and definitley not any fathers. Most people do not mention his weight loss for fear that he is ill and they do not want to offend. Many of my coworkers tell me their horror stories of leukemia and Grave's Disease and meth. What can I say?

[Dom R]

I just pitied him. I used it as an opportunity to humble him, to show him how ADULT, COMPASSIONATE people think.

oookay... so you want to play the teacher role.

FYI: that doesnt mesh well with the "wife" role.

And looking for "opportunities to humble him" doesnt, either.

After he commented about the fat lady, I just said "Some people wear their pain on the inside, some wear it on the outside. She must have a lot of pain, and that saddens me".

that was a positive, marriage-friendly thing to say.

That shut him up.

But that, was not a marriage-friendly way to think.


It sounds like you've got the outside (verbal) stuff down well. But you have a ways to go, to work on your inner stuff, ponygirl.
Both in the way you internally view/react to/accept your husband, and also the way you view yourself.

Your comment about that woman, and "maybe her marriage made her fat", makes me think the last bit.

No-one's marriage "makes them fat". No one's brother, kids, boss, inlaws, .. "makes" them fat. Because no-one, outside of medical facilities perhaps, FORCES food into someone else's mouth.

Adults are overweight, because they put more food in their own mouth, than they burn off in excercise. Period.
There may be "issues" they are trying to deal with, and they misuse food in a bad attempt to deal with those issues. But it is still their own choice to eat what they eat.
It's the same thing with alchohol, or affairs.

no-one "forced" so-and-so to drink too much. it's their own hand lifting the bottle.
no-one "forced" whoever, to go screw someone else and cheat on their spouse. No matter how badly the spouse treated them; it was still THEIR CHOICE to do what they did. no "forcing" involved. Because there were other choices they could have made, and they chose instead to commit adultery.

[AmyC]

Mkultra,

You've been here since May.
How long has your husband possibly been in MLC?

I'm going get myself a crash-course in both your history and ponygirl's.

We'll talk again.




AmyC

[mkultra]

I am now becoming familiar with the MLC posters. They mention that it may last 2-5 years. I believe he has been depressed since the birth of my son, 2 years. He is losing his hair and that really gets him down. The worst part of it is our lack of sex life, I must admit. I became very turned off by his weight loss. It is funny that Dom R mentioned the teacher role because I took on the Mother role concerning his weight. So many people told me to take him to the doctor so I thought that was normal. Little did I know he would cuss me out over it. I am sure I could have presented my concerns as a wife instead of a Mother.

[lac69]

Dom,it is true that no one shoves food down your throat, or forces you to do anything. However, people do cope with problems with food, alcohol, etc. This often leads to addictions. It is not always a person's fault. Some people truly cannot cope with their problems any other way. It is a medical issue. It is really cruel to belittle them for it. It is no one's buisness but their own. It does not make them a bad person. No one is perfect and flawless, so it is really sad you seem to have such disdain for those who are suffering.
Ponygirl, I think everything you said in response to your husbands comments was great.You did not belittle him or call him a judgemental jerk. You gave another view. Maybe if you keep it up it will change his thinking. Doing that really does work. When I have become aggravated with certain situations and my husband has responded similarly, it has caused me to look at the other side of the story. It sounds like your husband is very insecure in his own skin and that is why he deflects the attention to others.