I thought it would be a good time to re-summarize my sitch. I'm 27 and my H is 28. We were high school sweethearts. We have been together 11 years and married for 5 years. We have been fighting infertility problems for 3 long years but other than that were a genuinely happy couple.
H went on a guys weekend and met OW (age 29). She pursued him and sunk her claws in and hasn’t let go since. She’s desperate and conniving and he’s the only one that doesn’t see it. It was a one-night stand gone wrong. Their A started in 10/06. He started acting differently right away. He was mean and picked me apart. I couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard I tried. He disclosed the affair to me 11/06 and moved out a week later and we have been separated ever since. He started househunting with OW after knowing her 3 weeks. He bought a house with OW. He quit his job of 5 years, left me, left his home that he built, left his family...everything that he has ever known in 2 months time to move 3 hours away and live with OW and start a "new" life. There's only one way to describe it....He ran and tried to hide from the damage that he caused. I believe his ego got us into this mess and his pride is keeping us from getting out of it. He's still running...he's still living with OW....so I'm done.
He has discussed reconciling multiple times over the last 7 months, but it never amounted to anything. He even had one false start home in January but backed out and the only reason that he gave me was "it didn't feel right". He’s miserable…he’s talked about suicide…he’s depressed…the list goes on and on. I gave him my whole heart…I offered him forgiveness and a second chance, but he wasn’t man enough to take it, so here I am in 7/07 and waiting on D papers. He’s destroying his own life and he destroyed his life with me, but I am picking of the pieces of my broken heart and broken life and one way or another I’m going to make it.
H didn't show up this weekend, so still no D papers. I have appointment with an attorney next monday and would like to know if "these D papers" even exist, so I tm him tonight and said "Just wondering if you mailed the papers because I didn't get them yet?" He responded "Mailed them today, why you in a hurry?" I didn't respond back and I don't think that I am going to. He's just trying to start a trouble or make contact with me and I really don't feel like doing either one. I am so hurt and frustrated at this point. I am just trying to move on with my life and the last thing that I need is to be drug back into his drama.
On a side note, mil said that bil saw my H and said he looks horrible. Looks like he lost 20 lbs. in 3 weeks. I told her good. He should look horrible. He has put me through h$ll. I lost 15 lbs and I didn't have 15 to lose. He should be miserable. He has been seeing OW for 8 months while married to me and won't even have the balls to D me. I don't know how he looks at himself.
I saw fil last night. He said you are looking awfully good, are you trying to pick up a new man. I said yes, I gave up on your son. He said does he know that....I responded I don't know.
I'm just trying to hang in there and start making a life for myself. I have plans two nights this week with some work friends. It's all about GALing and having fun at this point.
IT's funny I get compliments here at work. I colored my hair back to the natural brunette color and taking care of how I look. Though nothings really changed in that department. I guess since I have lost some weight I can fit into my old clothes. So people have noticed changes. Does wonders to my self esteem. I evn came abck after a compliment w/" hmm. ..do I look like a divorced woman? Ha ha wishful thinking!
I dont know if i told you but last week when H was looking nfor some attention I would not give him any ( I was on the computer) as heleft the house he said "oh well, I guess your busy & I will go back to being miserable & left" hmm...poor guy.no sympathy from I am all sympathetically worn out!
Well, you are never going to believe this, but I received the updated D papers in the mail today. My H was actually telling the truth yesterday when he said he mailed them...amazing. This is so bittersweet for me. He got the papers fixed to say what we agreed upon in November, two days after he disclosed his affair to me. I am getting more than my fair share, so I should feel happy, but I never wanted this marriage to end. All I wanted was a fair chance at reconciliation with my H and I was never given that chance. Therefore, I'm sitting here alone 8 months later with tears running down my face with D papers knowing that I have to sign them. I always said that God would take care me and guide me on what I need to do. At this point, it seems like I will have a better life without my H. He is broken and he hasn't even started to try and fix himself. I never gave up on him, he gave up on himself. This is so hard, but I know the time has come to say goodbye to my H and to my marriage. Even though I am going to break down and sign these papers, I won't ever have to say that I didn't give it my all. I tried and tried and tried. I held on for 8 long, hellish months and gave him multiple chances to make things right with me. He just doesn't have it in him. He isn't even half the man that I thought he was.
I have a consultation set up with an attorney on Monday to discuss D proceedings, so I am going to try and switch that to a meeting for him to look over the papers and make sure they say what I think that they should say. There are a few things that H didn't list out and want to make sure that is okay. Two of the items are his and only one is mine, so I think that I should be fine. The house and my 401(k) were my big concerns and they appear to be correct.
Any thoughts?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Hope, I'm so sorry. We both fought the same amount of time. You are an amazing woman and he will regret losing you when he comes out of his fog. I truly believe they are going through an illness, otherwise, how could they be so nonchalant and throw away a marriage. I've read that he may think he can find happiness with a new person, but until he takes care of himself he will still be unhappy. So the biggest lesson we have to get out of this is to work on ourselves before we can fully move on with our own lives. We do not need the men our Hs have become. We have to believe in ourselves. Believe me, I'm having a very hard time doing that, but I also know that the man my H has become is not someone that could make me happy. Again I'm so sorry, and don't feel alone I have shed my share of tears also. Our marriages meant something to us.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hugs to both of ya, both of you are amazing woman. If I was a Mormon I would marry both of ya in a heart beat. If it is any consolation in the book I am reading it mentions many times that even after people were divorced they ended up back together. and if your spouse told you that” I just don't love you anymore and I am not happy" (like mine did) a survey was taken and 80% of the spouses that said this and got divorced were still not happy 2 years later and said if they could do it all over again they would have worked on their marriage instead of getting divorced. Life is not over; you are really getting a second chance. Find out who YOU are. If you were like me you were so much in love that there was no "ME", there was always "US". NOW I am finding a me. My wife has it half right. She wants us to live as "Room Mates". This is true we should have always lived as individuals but connected. As we can now see it is unhealthy for two people to live soooo dependent on each other that they THINK as we did that we can not go it alone. Yes we should be room mates but we should also be lovers. One of the good things about our sitch is I would have never have meet such loving, caring, dedicated BUEATIFUL women like ya gals if my wife had not cheated and showed me low a woman could go. If ya EVER need to vent or spill your guts my E-mail is in my profile. Write me.
I will be thinking about ya
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You ladies are great women, do not forget that. I know times are tough right now, I am going through the same emotions myself, better times are ahead of all of us. None of us know were life will take us or who will be along for the ride with us. At times I think the thoughts of the unknown are actually worse then the unknown itself. You are both great women and will be able to move on to a much better life. We cannot let the fear of moving on keep us stuck in the past hoping for something that just is not meant to be. Our old marriages are dead and that marriage meant a lot more to us then it did our S's. Maybe they will see what they left behind maybe they will not either way we are moving on and are better people for enduring what we have and learned from it.
