Thanks guys.. I'm nervous cuz I get confused easily during a heated argument.. Horrible at debate.. PLUS - I just want people to be happy with me. Hate confrontation at home. Work - it's ok.. Home - don't want to be on anyone's bad side. But, yes - he will say that no one has the right to judge him since they haven't walked in his shoes.
And.. yes, Theo - inadvertently I caused this littel meeting and he knows it... A part of me is over it and a part of me is sick about it. I just keep telling myself that his shame is not my burden to carry.
here is somthing out of the book I am reading. It is talkingabout a wife but just replace that with husband (yours not me)
1. I dont love you anymore
Husband,
OC here, sounds like you're getting a lot of use out of the book I gave you! Great to hear it. I found DR was helpful and this book "Stop Your divorce" helped me deal w/ the issues DR forgot to mention. It also gave specific instructions on how to feel, act and even what to say. I've definitely gotten my money's worth out of it and I hope you will too!
It has definitely given me new insight. I have started dating women(just lunches). Nothing serious just enjoying the opposite sex and realizing that there are hundreds of beautiful people out there if my sitch doesn't turn out how I prefer. I am really enjoying my free time and must admit I kind of like it. Of course dating is a personal choice everyone has to make. My wife is constantly w/ OM so I am comfortable enjoying the company of nice individuals of the opposite sex. Since she refuses to treat me w/ any respect or even civility, I can get it elsewhere.
Knowledge is the key to keeping our sanity. You are doing well by spreading the tools we LBS's need to conquer our feelings. Best of luck to you and your W.
ME: 39 ring on wife:38 ring off WAW/MLC son:17,11 dtr:9 mar:17yr Bomb4-27-07. EA/PA 2/07 with 22yr old. DBing 5-19-07 My story on the link below. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1069470&page=0#Post1069470
it does give me insight on what may be going through my W head. I have been doing most of the book. I have not tried the dating part yet. but will soon. (just lunch or a movie).
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
How are you doing? You have been in my thoughts all night. Good thing my W and I are not sleeping together. I may have said your name out loud in my sleep.
You are a brave woman. I know before I can let this go I too need to let the family know what is going on. I too feel so guilty keeping her secret. If I need to keep this dirty little secret at least I should have been able to have had a little fun also....
Husband
Last edited by husband; 07/19/0711:15 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hey everyone... The good news is that I didn't have to deal with an angry person last night. The meeting went better than expected according to H. They were loving and supportive blah blah blah. Soooo... as with most people who've had family butt in and talk to their spouse, it did nothing to help or to hurt.. Other than that, he didn't really say much about what they actually talked about.
Theo - you are right - I am pretty much a people-pleaser. I remember as a kid doing everythign I could so that my parents wouldn't fight. Not that they even fought that much so I don't know why I reacted that way.
That's it for now... The next hurdle to jump: H is going away for the weekend.. I think with ow - at least for one of the two nights.. Don't have proof but I just dont' believe anything he says either.. Plus, he's acting really nice to me and was almost giddy last night and this morning and gushing out ILY's. Can only mean that he's pumped up about his big plans for a fun-filled weekend of sin.
Gotta get it in my head - we're not a married couple; not even really friends - just living under the same roof. I do have a bunch of fun planned this weekend so I'm sure I won't be home to answer the phone
My therapist help me see that about me, too. My parents always fought and often made me feel that I was the reason. My father, several times told me, "The only reason we fight is because we disagree about how to raise you." If I did things my dad's way, he would be pleased, if I did things mom's way, she would be pleased. They also talked about each other, behind their backs to me. I ended up learning to be an emotional chameleon, trying to whatever my parents needed me to be in order to get their approval and stop them from fighting.
In relationships, it meant, for me that I could never be honest about my desires or feelings with people. I could seldom achieve intimacy.
So...I think your assumption should be that he's still in a full-blown affair. Once they've slept together, they can't go back to just an Emotional Affair or being "just" friends.
Don't play games with your head. It's a given: he said he's not giving her up yet.
It's inevitable Olive, either you continue GAL, with some boundaries eventially added and it scares him into changing (which includes giving up OW), or...the marriage ends.
We have your GAL plan down.
I want a full report by Monday on what you've done and intended to do.
Next...
This is going to be hard.
What I'm proposing is a 4 phase plan.
1. Decide how long you intend to GAL with no boundaries. I other words, how long will you continue this if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage?
2. You need to decide when to start going dark, being mysterious and less available to him. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
3. You need to decide when to start adding boundaries. Which ones? No sex? Separate Bedrooms? Hard-core LRT at home? Each of these boundaries is cumulative and added to the next. Each has a time-limit before ramping it up. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark + Boundaries if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
This full-force implementation will give him a taste for what losing you FEELS like. You are having a great time, are mysterious and intriguing, have withdrawn yourself from him and have set strong personal boundaries if he refuses to stop seeing OW.
4. You need to offer an ultimatum. "End the affair and recommit to our marriage or I will divorce you on the grounds of adultery." Look at Michelle's writings on how to offer an ultimatum. I think he will get the message that the affair will become exposed then.
This is super-hard, but do you want to set dates on a plan like this in intricate detail? You can take up to two weeks to work out your plan and get some feedback from a counselor, from us, and from people you trust.
At least it's a plan. Right now, you are in limbo. The limbo is what hurts us. While we are in limbo our spouses have no recpect for us, because we walk around in fear, like doormats waiting for every crum of affection they throw at us.
And for people like you and me, Olive, setting boundaries is what scares us the most, because something in us is hard-wired to please people, deny our desires/needs and is pathologically afraid of asseting ourselves if it seems causes conflict. We are afraid of our own shadow.
A plan like this might change the way you act -- for life.
